i actually don’t like those work days that start at 11:45. it’s still hella early. i didn’t sleep too well really but maybe first nights without smoking always have that in common. maybe the system just needs to get accustomed to it. i had the thought this morning when to start the 2 week cycle. given this month i’ll be tattooed and spend a lot of time at home not now. im back to being physically fight (still feel like fighting a cold though). i worry about losing it all again, but as of now, this has almost became normal eh? brought the mac mini from the box but forgot the cable lol. gotta pick up my dad tomorrow anyways so, i can just stop by the box. i also forgot to take the boss ve500 out of the car and bring it up to the box soooo. i tried singing damocles yesterday. yikes, that was rough. i really would love to sing sooo much but maybe i just suck, i don’t have the natural ability or i miss the technique - or i overthink it. who knows. i was thinking about singing lessons in medellin. or maybe this’ll be a better goal for Australia? hmph. at least in our songs my singing isn’t obvious shit. man i gotta sit down and appreciate my stuff more: this table is fucking beautiful. sitting here on my lovely chairs is peak life, i gotta enjoy that stuff. i gotta say i was playing with the thought to install some dating apps yesterday, simply for flesh tbh. but i also - independent of that - reflected on how i usually meet no-one special or str8 up toxic girls. i mean Skynd was definitely something lol. i was thinking how nice a woman that is busy, that will work out great just to find out nope, still the regular experience. well dating apps are initiated by a thought of compromise, there’s rarely someone stable and serious there. that was the goal last time, this time i’m actually just about flesh. of course as always, with no wits, i don’t care about your tits. there must be something at least. though i must say, maybe the gigging will catch hold and i’ll be around meeting women in a better setting. as of now, it’s just concerts really. when my friend was over we talked about his friends friend, that stops while walking in the city together to talk to a girl. str8 up “hey i like what i see, do you have a boyfriend? - oh well then sorry for my interruption, have a nice day” some taken girls even came back to give him their number. i strive to that liberty. not to be some dick crazed guy that get’s all the chicks but in general: to live out my desires. to not be inhibited at all anymore. i can say this as i’m cleared, i know myself, i don’t do any evil or hurtful stuff. my interest is to see a person be entirely themselves, i value authenticity. that is superbly attractive. the long-lasting kind of attraction. the surface draws, the inventory keeps. so in general, like also with my downstairs fucking neighbours. though that is a bit different, i’ve never been confronted with something like that hence there’s not much past process to reflect on and build on. these fuckers have an argument at 1 in the morning, friends over until 3 and sometimes she has these superficial dumb ass deep-talks in front of my fucking windows it’s ridiculous. it’s a mix out of despise and compassion; they don’t seem to have their life in order the tiniest bit. so i’m wondering: am i running from confrontation (i’m tired of it, my job is constantly that currently) - or am i just not sure how to confront them, as genetically speaking: i just know annihilation. when i consider my sister or my parents handling things, all 3 have annihilation of the others in common (my sister can make grown-ups cry, my mother has too much of a victimized position inside, and my father is either quiet or a silent authority until he get’s up and initiates: you want some?). well i don’t wanna swallow it… i have to think on this. but also currently: i do not feel like doing that. i’m always afraid too much time passes and then the “normal” can’t be changed. i even texted with my direct neighbour about it, she suggested that all of us 4 parties come together at one point. i welcomed the idea. but i still feel like i should have a sit down with them firstly without them. i have no illusions, in a group i’ll naturally have a high position. that’s what it always has been like. another part of me also thinks: given how unstable they seem, i wouldn’t wonder if they’re not living here all too long. apparently they moved here just 3 months before me. oh well. on another note, i’m pretty fucking happy how the mac mini just vanishes with the desk! fucking A. anyways, anything else man? on sunday i’m gonna go to a japanese themed thing in the city, one of my tattoo artists is joining me so that’s pretty cool. in general i’ll have a pretty dense week. oh man i tried the 2nd recipe of the one with the quinoa bowl - man so much work and the result is ass. creamy avocado-pesto with soba noodles and broccoli. such a disappointment. i’m gonna eat it again today, simply because i made it. i deleted the fucking recipe already. the avocado hype is really too much, i can’t eat that thing so often (had guacamole some nights before for munchies). the journey continues though. man last night in bed i had one of those moments i had as a child A LOT that used to paralyze me: how does it feel to be dead? how does it feel to go from existence, from consciousness to nothingness? - weird man, didn’t have those in a while. but it just shows, despite my philosophy, spirituality and knowledge, this keeps poignant for me. i have different mindset to it, mostly one of “i can’t change it, i can’t illuminate it, why bother too much” that actually silences it a lot (to the point of almost non-existent of active consciousness); also absurdism painted some nuances here. i know to keep busy is the best remedy for life. in all things. not a fake busy, a true to core busy. it cost me some time to get here, so i’ll keep walking. it’s cliche but i’ll finish with this Camus quote: “Obeying the flame is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do”. PS: if i keep this up, i will never be able to listen to ST's newest album ever again lol
new dawn, new day. though technically it’s not dawn, it’s full day. whatever. i’ve slept very well. a bit long i guess. i think the new severance isn’t really catching me that much eh? maybe it’s not a stoner game. maybe i just need a break? today that’s gonna be it and you know what i’m gonna have the lock snap on it now. alrighty, locked for 4 days until after thursday training day. that’ll be the longest it was locked since some time i believe. my friend told be i should be doing creatine and a chat with gpt told me the benefits would be more squats and explosiveness. more squats could cure my knee troubles i believe - or at least i’d hope. maybe taking creatine will also activate something else in me: the part that doesn’t like to spend money on things they don’t use. maybe that’ll help with continuity. today i shall do some exercise man. then shower. i still got the car so i plan to go to the box today, i actually want to record all of life today. i’m not sure our vocalist will be available (or will make themselves available) to work on the lyrics together so to make the song more his. but i shall finish the bassline and that’s it. i will work on Circle With Me today too I think. i don’t feel like playing our other songs too much tbh. oh yesterday during my “highness” i’ve started some more stuff on the jellyfin front. might even be that i’ll still go to plex at some point… but anyway i can try that out for free. i think i’ll grab the mini mac from the box too and put it here. it’s actually the only thing that misses to start the whole thing. of course some little stuff like the apple tv and keyboard and so on are missing too. but apple tv i’ve found a nice offer on tutti. might get that one. i even made an offer. god there’s some kids riding by my windows, sounds like this kid has plastic wheels on their scooter. my neighbour was having a deeptalk with a friend until like 3 in the morning under my fucking windows. i’m a bit confused to the situation because i’ve never been confronted with neighbours that plainly do not give a fuck. i text them about that kinda stuff as given my inventory i’m not much into confrontation, i’m more for snide remarks and passive things; well if you wanna be loud, there’s no reason i listen to my music over headphones, guess you guys get to enjoy some Orphan and Psycho-Frame together with me! either i’ll just fucking accept them not giving a fuck, i do passive shit or i’ll get used to it, that these fuckers have no courtesy and i’ll have to flat out tell them every time. which is troubling for me man. but guess this could also be interpreted on some spiritual perspective, where this situation happens to me to test me, to further elevate me as person. anyways i’m pissed by it. so tuesday my father is coming by and we’ll setup the ceiling vents and do some other things. after that i have ramps and finally can see how well my robot performs cleaning the whole apartment. i’m still sad he can’t go under the bed, would be a major game changer for me (i fucking hate vacuuming under the bed). so today some exercise, some gaming, some bass’ing, oh and some cooking! i bought the ingredients for trying out this other recipe. it’s from the same site or even same post as the quinoa bowl i so loved. i was also thinking to setup the skateboard today? dunno. man i’m also soon going to London i should start some preparation on that. i could also order some merch which i can only get there, hmm… i yesterday ordered a shibori thread hoodie from 156 silence. well i always wanted one and with 156 it just made sense. i mean silent planet is super cool, but i don’t think the aesthetic of shibori threads makes a lot of sense with those guys tbh. okay that’s it i’d say. i could maybe get on washing some stuff from the basement too. clear those clothing boxes. i also wanna play some death stranding and do some reading. well let’s dive in.
it’s already closing in on evening and i’m on my parents couch in my childhood home (or at least the house they built when i was 11ish or so years old). one of my best friends spent the night at my place and was my first overnight guest. i was pretty chill as i can get a bit ocd’ish about my stuff when others used it, but i just “wrapped” the couch in sheets so I wouldn’t mind him sleeping there. he slept well and it was pretty chill overall tbh, was nice to catch up so much and also nice to chat about me soon visiting him in medellin. we checked out the freshman cyphers from the last years and the recent ones and commented. it was overall a pretty nice time. i also tried out a new recipe i’ve found online and DAMN that was fucking YUMMY. def gonna become one of my go to recipes especially if i get a visit (maybe i’ll do the same for my school friend i’m meeting soon!). my sister and brother in-law are soon coming back from the US of A and then I’m gonna get my new merch! exciting! new caps is always nice. so anyways today i’m gonna hang in Germany, my mom wanted to make a balkan dish dinner and i came armed with laptop, Rolf Haubl’s book about jealousy (i bought this as my PA used to talk about him and had books) which i hopefully will read or i’ll continue the book about the brain from David Eagleman - which I think I’m almost at the half? dunno. i also got the switch with me and put Disco Elysium in. let’s see what i’ll do. i showed my mother the little lamp that has a motion detector and detachable lamp that i once bought with my ex that is exremely useful for nightly bathroom visits. sadly i ordered two different ones for trying out and both of us like the one with the “belly” more than concave’y one… other one can’t be prime returned. dunno if i should opt for the one i like less and vie my mom the prettier on (still deciding on it). my hometown is expending we have new stores here and i was thinking to check out the denns which is an organic store i’m really a fan of (didn’t set foot into much of those though). i’m not practicing bass as much the recent time and i feel a bit bad about it. though i also feel like our band is on a break/vacation atm. it’ll be alright. with my friend we were talking also about girls/women and i placed my thoughts about me wondering if it’ll be alright if i had encounters with young girls round 18’ish as i never had a wild youth and changing sex-partners but now i just desire to. i don’t wanna masturbate on someones body, i actually enjoy pleasuring the other person and i’m also big on conversation and spending time. it’s just that i now do not desire a close relationship. encounters would be nice. and i’m wondering about the young girls i so happened to meet, if that would be weird because i’m older. the convo was nice and as always: there’s no absolute dictate on it really. depends on how it feels, some young girls are very immature and some aren’t. well i don’t know really. i think i’m mostly afraid of how others would perceive it? i guess it’s down to me how i actually handle these things… we also settled that a lot of these things stem from us growing up in this weird small ass town in south germany. there weren’t too many young people around us, we were very limited and in our area you were scolded for many things. i guess it’s a root for some of my complexities in general and i have been working hard to release myself of their hold. so i may decide at the spot how it feels. i may not engineer the thing, i’m def allowed to steer things though. be an open person, create opportunities. the rest will follow. i’m good looking, i’m a well mannered person and i’m definitely unique - so there’s no reason not to be open and let things happen. most important is that i am true to my desires and my personality. that’s the work of a 30 year old me. anyways i’m gonna go walk my parents dog now.
already august. summer was mostly rain this year. of course during the heat period i was either working or busy being sick. every year i wish i could swim in the rhine but it doesn’t happen. every year i tell my self: next year we’re gonna do this and that, this year we were busy with some stuff but we’ll build on top of that. and it always feels true! that just reminds me yesterday of a thought: when i was rapping/producing (or whatever you wanna call it, i always feel like it looks/sounds over exaggerated that way), i was thinking “if i make it, i can help out my parents - make their lives easier. they deserve that.” - and every kanak or rapper on this content has the same “objective” or says the same (i’m also thinking of my clients). and it hit me yesterday: what if these thoughts are a form of escape? what if i am actually escaping from the responsibility and possibilities to actually help my parents - or for that instance anything; i remember talking to my pa/therapist how i desire to live in a tight-knit community where everyone has their chambers and can withdraw to be by themselves. all these “phantasies” all these “dreams” - what if they serve as an escape? if i spend time with this line of thinking, i’m cooling down my system: my reality get’s lighter again. what if these things do not serve me as “compass” as a direction in the sky to walk towards but they are actually just an escape from my reality for a short moment to recharge senses. so i’m going to help my parents in my way. i will never earn much money that i’d be able to substantially mitigate any reality-fx on them. i can’t suspend their bills. i cannot tame my mothers or my fathers reality with my financial capabilities. i will also not be a super son and spend a load of time because that’s also not me. but these little things i’ve been recently doing, like looking around to get them the same drying-rack or the night lights, these are small things i can afford. energywise as financially. they are not huge but they’re real. and that’s what i can do. i cannot change the world, i cannot change reality. i think shit is unfair. i wish it was different. now i can either escape to fantasies to mitigate reality’s fx on me or i integrate. i’ll invite people over like i was thinking. i do things on my terms. i am the way i am. changing it would be dumb. it’s not possible i believe anyways. so it’s not on me to change reality or to fine-tune or to make it harmonious for someone else. i can play a role and unapologetically for me it’s only desirable for it to be close to home, to heart. it’s my goal to clear the path for my inner-flame to burn and go it’s way. i will invite people over here. i was thinking of the tattoo guys and maybe my crush comes along to. in that regard, i must say: it is very important for subjects of interests to get to know me the way i am. i run risk of manipulating them and worse, myself, if i do not pace it and reflect it, taking time. i desire for someone to fall for me and live with my individuality. if i do my best that they “like” me, then i will always be in the spot that it my relationship will be very cost-ineffective for my energy levels. anyways, i really desire to spend intimate time with someones body and soul. but currently it feels misplaced. not that i would know a way to do it really lol. so today i’ll be picking up my dear friend who’s on the continent for a while to visit. i wanna do some slight cleaning and tidy up a bit before. i also have to think about how to do their bed here, as i definitely not can tolerate anyone sleeping on my couch without anything on top of it as protection. mmmh. i also got to get a car and also settle on a recipe. well. let’s go i guess. oh btw i was thinking of a format to help my mom with writing her biography, i thought we could to YT videos where we talk. could be interesting, i’ll keep that thought in orbit. also i was thinking to teach my dad to game; i tried giving him games so he can do it by himself - but he won’t . also inspired by a guy i saw on YT playing Dead Souls (i think? don’t like those kinda games). i was thinking RDR2 so i wouldn’t get bored by a game i know. but i guess that’s too big. i think Mass Effect would be best. PS: i was considering a vipassana course for cooling down my whole system - i thought i could also do acid there - could be either super duper interesting or maybe even dangerous? hmmm....
i've slept horribly at work. woke up a couple of times and just didn't feel nice to sleep. now i'm at the work computer and as i usually have the honors, the cleaning lady is in the house and i dont even get to enjoy silence. i think there are two now? it's dawning on me that i overtook the care for one of our adolescents, i'll have to get into reading. i'm trying to not actually do all this work stuff prior to even start of work as i need to keep a line; we asked our boss or i asked when we had the meeting about like an office hour to read up on things. well i kinda understand him from his position, which is that we should do reading into things during the weekend when it's quiet. im not really planned into weekend much (i also don't complain of course) so I guess some stuff i won't be really knowledgable of... anyways, i was actually up today to be doing stuff at my apartment with my dad, we were gonna hang two ventilators, do this eh window-net and ramps for my roboter so i can finally try what it would be like to have it clean the whole apartment. well guess i'll wait. i really would like two weeks of straight up chilling but guess that won't come anytime soon. my next vacation time is in october. it's funny when i think that some countries like the USA don't even have any form of vacation lol. the country of the misanthropes. anywho, i did stretching before i went to bed and hope i'll be fit for training tonight. i wondered if my sleeping contributes to having a small gas-tank? i was also considering, how i often felt like i have trouble keeping up with things, being overwhelmed due to daily cannabis consumption and then i actually had quit entirely. im still not sure if this position holds merit, that cannabis actually has some positive effects on me that i'm just not using it right. i actually never had a really regulated one. i think it's worth a shot as i'm also being able to get quality cannabis which i never have been able before. i'm a bit concerned as Germany seeks to regulate cannabis differently again. sounds like a ghost hunt or something but i guess ppl will chase whatever gives them mental comfort. so my idea was that i actually just lock that stuff for two weeks. and after two weeks, i try rolling 3-4 joints every 2 weeks and then lock everything aside from the joints. that would be a way to go. given that august is overthrown i gotta see how, a part of me doesn't want to start this experiment as i'm gonna be healing from my tattoo and i know i'm super cranky when tattoos heal as i hate the inactivity resulting from it. on the other hand i'd really love to experience if this fatigue can only be attributed to work-life balance and cannabis consumption or if it's just me not being a kid anymore. as always; you find out by finding out. so circumstances have to be created. i found myself on instagram "researching" my crush and if there are hints she's still in a relationship. couldn't find anything really. it's been on my mind though; not like her really but the mind state i would have in a relationship and i can see i'm problematic in that regard: when i'm in a relationship or let's say in pursuit/courting a woman, i do my most to make it a reality. it seems i don't really do my reality as i put on display here a big favor and undermine lots of aspects of my vehicle and ghost. so the question would be, how to actually maintain a healthy balance in that; i can't sacrifice my inner-life just to "make" it. so for my "crush" if i were to make "moves" i'd actually try to keep these pure, coming from here and not from my imaginative properties and rationality. actually funny to think of my rationality having such a play in this, given it's usually rather attributed to "emotions" which cloud what we do... i can hear the church bell, which means i'm officially on the clock now. i'll try to be chill and not overdo myself here while still keeping my high-level of eh efficiency i guess.
for the sake of continuity im doing this now. it’s already evening and soon im heading to training. man my back-acne (fuck you chatgpt, for making me say “bacne” in my head), is going wild again. i wonder if it’s my post-smoking munchies? is it maybe the dark chocolate? hmph. anyways we had a team-meeting to discuss all kindsa stuff. mostly rules and how we’ll go forward with the kids smoking and failing their drug tests hence rendering themselves impossible to go out on the weekend. one of my dearest team-members revealed that he wasn’t sick, he’s almost burned out. man when he was revealing all that, i had to swallow because i was waiting for him to say that he’s gonna quit working with us - but then he said that it was all too much and described the build-up to this. i was relieved he’s not going anywhere, sad that he’s currently down but double relieved it’s just that. i couldn’t hold back on oversharing my latest reflections, of how i used to self-medicate in my twenties especially when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and i literally escaped all of it by smoking all day. i can’t really remember much from the time my mom had cancer. i remember the feeling of not wanting to go to the living room as my mom often laid there. i remember i was unfair to her. she was unfair to me often as a child. i love my mom but she has her dark sides. i think i was also mad that now she was this sick woman with all the right to making me crazy with her ocd and anxiety. it’s dumb. but we humans aren’t computers. - anyways I had to tell that to everyone coupled with me going to therapy for 7 years, so the supervisor stopped me and asked me where im going with this and i smiled and said, its been a thing of mine to advertise therapy to everyone since ever. she agreed with that. i felt dumb for a moment, but i believe at least my team-member appreciated me “undressing” in front of everyone quickly as well and not just him sitting there “naked”. at least he also told me my words meant something to him and it helped before i left. i hugged him told him to try to take it easy, and he said he’s working on that acceptance, i told him he’s very advanced in that given my experience with patients that had to work for that realization for 5 years. - i was telling myself this morning “today i wont smoke”. but man now i dont know. im stressed out because i was anticipating not having to go to work and be on vacation for 2 weeks soon. but now we’ll have to cover his shifts. that’s the downside of being a small institution i guess. i of course offered the help and overtook his client, not giving off the slightest feeling of gravity to it because this is not about me. he is a force at work, i fucking respect him and he is such a cool & nice person. he deserves his fucking rest. also i am the youngest. i survived worse work-disbalance than this. my life is getting better by the day too; this apartment is closing in on becoming perfect. well i will have to find a way to reduce weed consumption; although im not sure if it’s also helping me to not “overburn my candle”. but more smoking, less doing. man this one is for the fucking scale, that’s for certain. my work place is the best i could possibly find. it’s actually heartwarming how much our bosses and everyone cares about him being unfit for work currently. i think my fear of being unremarkable and having to work on my bass skills, singer skills, music, muay thai and fitness. i also said (or at least was happy to realize) no girls until like spring. i got no time. also i really suck at relationships like that. i burn out and then become uninterested (tldr). but i always liked the thoughts surrounding this girl. she’s cute, an artist and mighty fine. she’s thai too. im saying all this because after the work thing i stopped at the tattoo shop simply to see what’s up and maybe chat with p about our upcoming session. also wanted to hear what they thought about our concert. and she was there; i think subconsciously this also contributes to my tattoo shop visits. man how i wish to spend time with her mind & body. anyways i urge myself to not do any surplus shit and also not get into “making” myself more interesting than i am and engineer anything in these matters. YOU HAVE NO TIME FOOL. if advances are made please let them be organic and lay off any micro-manipulations. well we’re gonna spend some time with her on our tattoo sesh with p anyways hehe :3 anyways i should pack my bag for training. im rocking my purple outfit today hehe.
ive just now remembered that ive started this whole thing yesterday. i still feel a slight cold and man, my body is really bad at fighting those things. it might be the smoking and snacking sugary stuff? my throat feels - or is it mine eh nose path ways? sorry bad english but i dont feel like breaking immersion now. so yesterday ive ultimately went to my moms in Germany. dont have to lie, main objective was to get my weed. i was contemplating if it is dumb as i was “wasting” my time; i could have done something meaningful that day. exercise, work on music or practice. i didnt do anything. not even gaming. but i also realized for my family this was a good day. ive seen my aunt which i rarely do. she’s kind of a shut in if she’s not working… or well she does go and do stuff but mostly i feel like she’s just watching tv at home. and of course cleaning. my family’s curse lol. but anyways, my mom talked to me that she was thinking about starting to write a biography. i affirmed her in that regard, she should! back then i would’ve probably be more egotistical, given that i would have to do many things for that too; but with chatGPT it’s different. i think it would be nice for her, i’ll definitely help where i can. she found a notebook of hers in the attic and she read me thoughts from her in 1994 all the way in between 2002 or so. how she struggled with depression and arriving in Germany, not being able to finish her nurse training. also the conflicting thoughts regarding us kids and her relationship with my dad; everything felt so alien to her. i also wondered if i am just a strong person, that i can sit there and discuss the topics with her without feeling “unloved”… i’d say it’s normal how she felt in all that. — so ive got my package with the 3 strains, came home late and smoked and i was up watching You until 5am I believe. i feel a bit empty in the sense of no direct goal currently. nothing that pushes really. nothing that HAS to be done. im wondering if this is smoking related? i have broken my protocol of 3 joints a week… i wonder how to go on with this. i think i have to reduce to feel better. like i feel this acidous feeling in my throat from smoking and eating 3 bowls of cornflakes (at least they are unsweetend and i made it with nuts). i still believe weed could be beneficial for me. like when i didnt smoke regularly and i was back at my parents apartment here after the break-up, i was fucking. searching for a girlfriend. almost desperately. fucking tinder, fucking hinge, fucking turnapp (or whatever the name was). and now? since im smoking so much, i dont think about it. having binge attacks wouldn’t hurt too much either if it was just sometimes. can i pull it off? or am i addicted again and have to quit? will they recriminalize in Germany? i just have the feeling it slows down my drive. though i also thought maybe i need this to calm my senses after these “nomadic” years living with my sister, my ex-room mate, my ex-girlfriend and my parents. im back. this is my place. ive reached it: 2nd stability. you’ve just been a mantra i’ve been telling myself. now we’re here. it became real. well let’s also mention that this place looks soo fine! this apartment is peak life. it would be sad, to let these years go up in smoke entirely. though this also feels like fomo in a sense. — i have goals, objectives. aside from making this place pretty, i want to compete in a bout. maybe there’ll be more of those? i wanna get better at bass, play gigs with my band. that alone holds much promise for social encounters too. i still wish to meet women, i love women. i love bodies, i love conversations, i love getting to know someone. that might make some of that possible. im just stressing much. it’s more mentally than reality. what if the smoking just serves as amplification of feelings i have? what if it coincides with those and isn’t just the “villain” of my cannabis consumption hindering me? maybe i just need a break from it all - and this is the first time after 2022 that i actually get that break. not just that i say so, but my whole vehicle fucking feels it and allows it. well. i think next up really is the whole food prep thing. i need some more recipes that are easy made. should also include ingredients that don’t need be specially plucked from a tree that you need to embark on quest upon. try out recipes. im also thinking to move the cannabis home instead of keeping it at the box (im afraid it’ll decrease my time there though). so next up is finding recipes and then buying the stuff and trying it out. found one with soba noodles *YUMMY*. let’s agree that i could smoke less, but that i dont have to do as much as possible. i mean i can train in the gym at my hometown, i think that holds a lot of promise. i’ve resolved some apartment/lifestyle problems that’ll increase efficiency of day2day life so there’s that too. this is such a vibe btw, it’s pouring outside (since days) and i have all the windows open here and just listen to the rain. it’s nice when it rains, it hinders all the children and the people around here to be loud outside. its quiet, just the rain. alright, i think i’ll wrap it up. btw yesterday i was borderline reckless driving, either i should never get a car myself or at least a not very powerful one, i’ve got no chill lol. it was pouring, i thank god packed my glasses and man people were so slow and i was faster than i am usually for some reason the rain aggravated me. maybe it’s also due to me driving to Psycho-Frame’s album lol. alright i have a couple of hours, before work. ah shit, ill have to go out and buy salad to take with to work or else it’s fast-food.
i woke up today, and had a lenghty chat with GPT. it helped me clear some stuff up, so now i started this neocities thing. i always had this desire to be seen, seen ENTIRELY. not just pieces. not solely interpreted on a couple of mere encounters, due to SOME input. like pure. things need to be pure. it’s a shame for things not to be pure. it's a waste of time really. i had a really nice life for a while with my own apartment, skateboarding was my life and i had a lingering desire to become known for my music. i had this desire to be grand. i think i still have it, but it's been cleared up a bit by the years. after my last training/school and my last relationship, i finally wake up in my own 4 walls (i mean they're rented but still) and am back to being free again. free in some senses. and with it comes also back the emptiness i am so so accustomed to. i wish i had a way to share life with people. years ago i lost myself constantly in fantasies how it would be to have this community. today i know it was a fantasy helping me to cope with my loneliness. today im less secluded then i was, less in my head than i was - things are easier now generally, i also have a healthy sense of self. i remember talking to my therapist back then, at a point where everything was alro alright in my life (i refer to it as the "first stability") - and yet emptiness was a feeling i had from time to time. nowadays i believe if i keep myself busy is the best; not even running away, but like "designing" the emptiness. so today i did this here, i created an archive for myself. ppl demonize AI so much nowadays, but for someone it's powerful that i can do stuff like this here without drowning in the complexities of technicalities. i've been telling myself since days i gotta tone down the cannabis consumption, as i smoke everyday. today i don't feel like doing shit. i could play Death Stranding? meh. could go to the studio, try to work on the basslines for the new songs? or just practice? meh. i know i have a new delivery of cannabis at the house in germany... should i go pick it up? oh man i should've done some exercising and mobility, ive been slacking on training recently. but i just dont feel like it. i dreaded the thought of making myself something to eat. after a while i remembered i stocked up on yfood drinks and just downed one of those to not think of it. what would have my theapist said to all of this? i can see him smile and telling me im taking it all to serious again. but im 31 if i dont keep up pace... yeah rest is also important. i have the right to design things the way i want. and right now i dont wanna designate my time. recently i understood that i really have OCD tendencies, always had them. like with everything it's not blocking me from functioning but I always strive to let my flame burn as bright as possible. i also feel bad knowing my parents just take all packages from Germany and bring them back here - the chances of being caught for them are zero but they'd be so disappointed in that case - understandably so. will i ever be able to have responsible cannabis consumption? or will i have to quit entirely as i have done in the past? i think it's good, i might be reigniting my "morning pages" habit with this here. just this time it's out in the open. with the usual feeling of "maybe it'll become big" all the way to "ripples in the void". i don't know, maybe showering would be the first possibility for the day --- i'm so grown up, the last days i started flossing my teeth. i hate it but i wanna keep my vehicle intact as long as i can. long live the inner conflicts, may they always keep us busy. i'm gonna go shave now while listening to Eternal Blue by Spiritbox.