day 13. it’s farther away the feeling of having a clogged ear. i was smoking a lot yesterday and got myself a box of tresor cereals which i ate more than half of. so i locked the weed for a couple of day. the doc said i could go back to doing sports. regularly he said. i explained in enough detail what i do. but apparently it’s alright? i’m gonna go tomorrow i’d say. i was thinking to go in my hometown but i’ll let that one slide for one now. i’ll do go on my monday! yep sweet. i also ordered new weed and i think it might be the last order as they are reverting to criminalizing weed again in Germany. sucks, but it’s not that important I guess. lastly i’ve been thinking i need to keep a game handy, that actually involves me a lot (looking at you Death Stranding). i think it can help me keep my cortisol levels lower. chat was able to tell me yes on that front too. so today i wanted to start by playing video games. i didn’t even want to start with writing at first but redecided again. first week of vacation (albeit i’ll be getting this week back) is almost through and i haven’t done much progress in my affairs. but i guess we’ll work on some stuff the next days. on thursday also back to training, will do wonders for my feeling. today i’ll go back to the studio too. i’ll work some on vocals. didn’t do too much yesterday really. i did practice my bass part though, which i believe i made good progress also. i think i mostly know the notes i need to play now. i also wanna do some lessons today. maybe before i head there. i’m going by fucking bike. fucking busses man, stressing me out and shit… though i have no food on me. i’ll have to take care of that too… do i do big shopping? do i get the car? though probably i can’t have it i’d say. it’s cold season already. training i’ll take the bus i suppose. i think tomorrow or maybe even today is worth of planning my week in advance a bit again ah? i’m also not sure but i might be having the problem, that goth girl doesn’t interest me too much now anymore… hmph. we’re at crossroads i believe. i also have the trouble, that this band i think i might become vocalist of, this guy i really like seem to really enjoy the idea of her being my girlfriend… i am not so sure about it. my inner avoidist dreams of her making the end of this… but i know it won’t be like that. this is were you can prove you’re a grown up now: you talk to her. about what though? “hey sorry, i wasn’t in relationship mode when we met. so i wanna try to hit other pussy too. ok? sorry, bye!”. no but seriously. she is cool. people would like her. i am afraid you can’t go in armed into that conversation. it will have to be an explorative conversation. she’s a girl for her it might be d… no don’t pin it on some generalization. she seems the relationship-looking type of girl. i think i used to be too. but now recently, i don’t. i just don’t see the merit in seeing the same person. i do not enjoy the close vicinity of a person. like at all right now. i never did. i held myself hostage by attaching things to other parts of my psyche. i was needed. i wasn’t loved. i mistook it. i might have not even cared. to me maybe whatever was alright. i think my projections, my mind theater overtook simply not caring about reality too much. i got lost on my phone in IG and saw this thai girl i was with while in Udon and got a bit aroused. so what do i tell goth girl? i mean it’s true, i settled for not having any relationship affair right now. my goal is the first fight. feels like a forgotten one but it is the goal. so currently i just don’t know how much resources i have for keeping a relationship. they feel pretty low to be honest. i’m not sure right now. pushing it won’t help me. i’ll keep a relaxed day today. i’ll spend some time at home and in the evening after a meal i’ll leave for the studio i would say. a lil thing to keep in mind: i have no practice in vocals whatsoever. but Bec from Terminal Sleep didn’t either and their sound is brutal. i can learn this. let’s not get too easily helpless. solid trying.
day 12. what’s on the menu. i should be doing 2 mails. maybe i should get these vacation days back. or at least let a doc decide on that and not me. reasonable. uhm. got my appointment in the psychiatry today. not much i have to do for that aside from just be there. i realized i have the train stop right in front my house. which is lovely. i decided to let myself get a bit of beard now that i have the time. why not. experiment. yesterday tattooer-girl posted a story. yikes. she is a goddess. i just had to get lost real quick on IG as I’ve dropped her a follow yesterday. and she followed back i just saw. which is not saying anything BUT EXCITING IT IS. so exciting… maybe i should go over there and play some chess with her. we both suck and they started that at their studio. huh! i actually got a topic for talking too heheh. let’s fucking go. aside from that, i wanted to go to the box yesterday. for some reason they decided “nope no busses in that direction today” and after a good 20min i left as i didn’t feel like waiting that shit out any longer. i wanted to do vocals and also restring the Vampyre. but that killed my mood entirely. Okay first mail is sent. maybe i’ll get my vacation back huh? what if i work in the meantime though… ugh… we don’t know. we will see. i really never would like to fuck my current employer over. but it’s dire man. it’s about money. it’s about my materialistic needs. i thought briefly about this yesterday. i am a materialist. but reality is only verifiable in the material sense really. at least feelingswise. so there it is, i don’t mind being a materialist. i like stuff. stuff makes me happy at some moments. at many others i literally do not care for the existence of some stuff. but that’s alright. so i lost myself on vinted now to put my money on it’s way to my account. aaaand of course their pseudo security shit doesn’t let me do my stuff regularly. great! so anyways. today. maybe i should take a break from toking. very probably. but i guess the beginning days now of not doing much shit, i feel like why take a break. well probably for our digestion… good i just live grinding on food with my teeth when i smoked. it’s ridiculous. okay more internet searching than writing is happening here. as usual. so dear me, what do we do today? well i’d say today we actually go to the box and work on some stuff. aaaand the other mail is doe. sooo. what else. i think classic day start of prepping the breakfast, then we do some mobility, shower and leave. though i must say, time is very advanced already, shit! and the connection is 18mins earlier there… yup so we start the day now.
almost noon. the terrorists came back, i am greeted by screeching little childrens noises when i open up the window, accompanied by the ever ambient saw doing it’s thing. guess it’s back to writing accompanied by music. so what’s up today, first day of my “vacation”. tomorrow is my appointment. sick would be, that i can immediately start working. so all this time, this farce meant for something in the end. imagine 3 nights. my boy we can get all those prints and a new weed order. yeesh. just will have to think about where to put the weed then… maybe in the blue trolley in the basement. so it wouldn’t be absolutely beyond everything. you work three times, you get all those prints you wanted and the weed. reading. what’s up with reading. uhm i’d like to but i think with toking it doesn’t work so good. i guess we just put in some weed free days. and it’ll be relatively easy. — alright i looked around, yes we will be able to spend our cash lol. today i can do push ups again apparently. if you ask chat that is. but i will do just that. i’m very confused how to take the supplements while i’m still in the waiting stage. hmph. maybe i’ll try to clear it up once more. — alright i think i got it now. i am still amazed that i haven’t needed yet to bay any import taxes. maybe the subscription thing will work absolutely fine. oh on top of my towering life costs, gotta add the memberships for training places. great! very good. so what do i really have to say? nothing i feel useless. i don’t appreciate to have to do it like this. this was meant to be a high activity vacation and now i am limping around in boredom. writing down tasks that i don’t particularly enjoy nor will feel incredibly good after but still have to do at some point. i should suffer it now. later i won’t be so much thankful but just get into a level i suppose. but yeah let’s make it count. also will play videogames i suppose. when if not now? alright already found a superbly cheap Days Gone to add to the stack. the gameplay is important that’s why i am probably not too sold on death stranding. today i plan to go to the studio and play with bass tone. also practice. i’ll take the vaporizer with me and just two filled capsules. i feel like it might be beneficial for the bass tone bit. i’ll practice the bassline further. maybe i’ll start reading one of the books of the Verdingkind thing. i also wanted to practice some vocals. so shouting and some singing would be nice. also would be cool to play around with the vocal fx thingy. though that feels like a bit much. i think bass practice, shouting and a bit of singing will suffice. also bass strings for the vampyre would be something smart… maybe i’ll take a clamp with me. my thought towards relationships with women hasn’t halted, so far i am really more in the thinking i’d like to enjoy freedom in that regard. i know that freedom can turn into loneliness. because i would have to get new girls constantly. but i feel certain somehow. maybe also at some shows? fucking talk to them. especially when you think about it, you’re now in a very confident crowd. soo… i’ve also been thinking about tattooer girl. man i would fucking love to… the thing is also, that i think i should just let it run it’s course with a girl. and when i feel like there’s nothing to gain there anymore, let it be. that’s it really. if i meet a girl, and keep meeting up with her and i’m just enticed, maybe even fell in love. then that is different. but as of now, i have a hard time believing in things like that. with goth-girl it’s really nice in a way. but also i don’t care too much. agh, i don’t wanna hurt her. i’m just a cute guy like in general though. why do i feel like starting the day with gaming instead of some sporty stuff. i also don’t like having eaten and then do sports. well i really think we should stick to that order. let’s not let our lack of motivation direct things altogether. i totally can play video games. i don’t have to have a schedule really. i am not bound to anything really so. okay so today. we do some sporty stuff now. then we shower. eat and play some video games. at one point we’ll go to the studio box. bass practice, shout practice, singing a bit and maybe restring. 2 capsules for the box. tomorrow i should get some groceries. i still have my correspondence to do at some point too. alrighty.
i am not gonna do the day counting anymore. it’s useless i would say. it’s now just gonna need some lots of time for this too pass. let’s pray it’ll be so gone by the 30th that i can actually go to my P-F and Dying Wish show. I hate it now already being handicapped for it. fuck this shit. i am back to simply just hanging out, kinda existing. i’ve been enjoying deathloop, but it started to get a bit repetitive for me. today would’ve been a full band session. which my health had to cancel once more. i am really pissed and the only real conclusion to draw is, that i should be managing my stress levels better. which feels like an impossible task. which it may or may not be. the fuck do i know. all i know is that i hate this shit. waiting. and the fucking whistling in my ear is not making it any better. i do hear better on that side. i can’t punished for wearing headphones though. well we will do something with all that. yesterday i picked up the bass again too. it’ll be alright. so if anyone asks, nope i am still just close to almost two years of muay thai. because my body is always busy keeping an infection close so i don’t have to train. so almost 2 years worth of muay thai now. i got this deja vu of this situation really. i must say cannabis dampens my motivation immensely. that we do know though.— got lost looking at prints again. though i must say, the good that comes out of it, is how the apartment looks and will be in use though. without this deceleration my closet would probably still look like shit. anywho. so what’s up with goth-girl? she spent the night a night before. she talks a lot. i think she never really takes a break from interaction when she’s with someone. caveat of dating a young woman? might be. it feels like my mind is searching for reasons this could not work out. i was wondering about sabotage, but i think that stage is not reached (yet?). but i really feel like not having use for a girlfriend right now. like also i don’t like seeing and feeling the same body every time. what’s wrong with me? i don’t know if it’s being wrong or if this is maybe normal? whatever it is, it’s my feelings. i still haven’t forgotten tattooer-girl. do i want to love her? have her as gf? i mean that was the point in the beginning yeah. do i maybe dread having to kill the relationship with goth-girl more than actual everything else around it? interesting that i lost myself and was wondering about supplements just right about now huh. i’ll start today i would say huh? most probably, i haven’t yet seen how much the supplements really cost though i have a feeling that the import was paid for? maybe some sort of agreement with a big firm like that i guess huh. anywho. so what about goth-girl and you? i think i’ll have to have a chat with her about it. what do i wanna talk about? i’ve been seeing this mentally in my head already. like asking her, “what do you think the both of us are doing?” and what are we doing? we’re hanging out. exchanging intimacy. do we plan to make more out of it? do i wanna go do couple activities? now i really do not. but is it more like generally or with her? i think it’s even more generally. though it could be that actually a partner you’re reeeaaally into could change all of that. could be. doesn’t have to be. could be. do i am still bothered by the age gap a bit. ugh. also i don’t like regular meetings too much. i do enjoy the sex though. but i guess once a week would suffice for me… i don’t know i think my thought from a couple weeks ago or so still holds: imagine you go on with this relationship and strategically it is a very good choice. but you haven’t yet discovered and explored more what it’s like to be with women. and i love to be with women. i finally am comfortable and in the position to enjoy sex. i would even say so, that i am a good sexual partner. should i let that go to waste? it’s the same dilemma and it’s the intersection i find myself at: intensify with goth-girl, because good choice overall and what not - might resent her after some time because i wanted others too. leave goth-girl and go on the odyssey - might regret it at one point. there’s no good solution here. i don’t have to decide now. lucky me. but it’ll come closer. eventually i will have to. maybe i’ll let it organically develop that i actually get closer to tattooer-girl. i’m awful but: i wanna taste her, i wanna hear her, i wanna see her, how she reacts, how she moves, … i really feel to attractive now that i could just leave it be. past me would’ve loved this setting now. but i am me from today with todays thoughts. irrevocably. if i could just put it aside for later. which is an awful thing to say and only allowed as a thought inside with no other parties involved. but these are our thoughts, they’re allowed to be in superpositions of various ways. and they should be. i think i’m now not ready for a relationship. also i still struggle with the notion of “love”. like what is that. i know the feeling of infatuation - but that wears off. love stays? do i feel that in general? it’s been plaguing me forever probably because i think i am not doing it right. as so often. and then i think, it probably hits you and you know it? or maybe it develops over time and it’s a care thing? maybe i am just afraid i’ll understand it too late and it won’t be possible for me then?… maybe. who tf knows. i’m struggling with the thought if i should do some exercising now. i do have the time. i have no will to it though. then i would also have to shower. which i firmly dread right now. maybe this is a taste of getting older, you will not get more time-slots my friend. you’ll lose more of them; can’t get water in to the ear, so showering takes up way more time. which is a great analogy. i mean staircases become an obstacle at one point of life. probably even in my future. smoking weed really is not beneficial if you don’t have something like a sports club going on, as i have so much resistance to start something ugh. alright, you have two hours left. what are we gonna do? i would like to start gaming, but i know this’ll just throw me in jeopardy timewise. so most sensible thing really is to do some exercising. eat breakfast. look up that stuff with the supplements. that’s it really. not more we can do. being early in the box is also good, then i could play around with my stuff a bit too. though i won’t have time for it i believe. i def wanna let the robot run when i leave though. i also gotta write an email. or even two. whatever, let’s start the dread. eh the day…
day 8. i swear this shit feels exactly the same. it’s like i’ve been waiting for daaays for the pressure to relieve itself but it is the fucking same. i might just overreact? but also i think i don’t? i mean it’s my days that get lost here. well at least the couple of days i missed out at work. so i’ve been away for a good 3 weeks. that’s also good. maybe i should reduce there one day. or maybe like i thought just work rarely. that would be sick. i’ve been thinking all these days to get a lottery ticket for this win4life thingy haha. i know shit ain’t gonna work man, but what is 5 francs let’s say a month ey? i’ll get one today haha. so doc, studio, coop. burgers were batter at migros i believe though. when goth-girl (maybe my gf) comes by i thought to make burgers and cauliflower wings. that could be dope ay. just for the stomach not soso much. but i think that’s the go move! man i cleaned this place up good yesterday. so far left is a couple of surfaces. the kitchen (ugh). and the bathroom has a ton of love to yet receive. and man the new game does got me hooked to a certain degree not gonna lie. i wish i’d gave death stranding more time, but it kinda is too boring, what can i say. really. i’ll try again sometime. yesterday i spent loads of time checking for the emulators and even installed them. turns out, they’re remaking silent hill anyway so why even bother really? emulator could be fun when i get to night shift at some point. maybe play n64 or some shit. so we have 3 hours before we have to be in the city. realistically, cleaning wise we won’t be able to make it all. also i gotta say, - got sidetracked again and started listening into billy woods lol. ehm so yeah 3 hours and then we have to be at the docs. kitchen doesn’t need love today. could do surfaces. man the shower really needs some love. what if we do the bathroom first. and then tomorrow or so maybe kitchen and the rest of the surfaces, most which are the doors and kitchen cabinets really. and then i’ll do a bit of sporty stuff so i don’t deteriorate so heavy. maybe put in some sit ups too? alright i checked it with chat (and of course got sidetracked by many things). and sidetracked again. i should stop texting while writing in the morning. okay! so what do we got? my ear pisses me off, i’m full on planning pictures in my apartment, i got goth-girl coming to me at 18:00, i wanted to go to the studio, i wanna listen to Greyhavens album, do some worky-workout (started creatin again, yaaay), clean up the bathroom (while listening to music) aaand once i’m done with everything (gotta check if i got everything i need for burgers and cauli wings) i can play my game… after i sorted out the laundry that is. i gotta hit that migros anyways, might as well check for that magic sponge to get rid of marks on the walls. this one mark got me always looking up thinking it’s an insect. sooo as soon as i don’t smoke weed i am way more focused, chill and enjoy more things. for the life of me i don’t know why i love it so much though. sentimentality? nostalgia? who tf knows. i don’t like gaming then. i don’t like… fuck it. we’ll find out by finding it out. i’m outty.
day 6. nothing has changed. tons of pressure on my right ear and barely hearing shit as if the left ear was submersed in deep deep water. i locked the weed as i’m overeating if i keep it up. i’m not particularly enjoying it either. i have a shit ton of correspondence awaiting me which i dread right now. i generally dread everything right now. i feel like a little kid when i’m sick or at least not up to my desired fitness levels. right now i’m busy downloading emulators and testing them out. will i use em? maybe not. i know the tattooer-girl asked me if i had a ps2 because she wanted to play the silent hill titles. so here i am. readying myself to be able to do that. i started deathloop yesterday. can’t say i’m hooked. i’ll give it a go later. i should be cleaning this place as goth-girl will come tomorrow. i really don’t feel like it given the situation that i actually won’t enjoy many things right now. but it’s good to break out of my cage. so i have to clean. some mobility wouldn’t kill me and honestly we could pick up the bass again. my skills will deteriorate and in this setting now i’ll still have to do something. i fucking hate this shit. oh and tomorrow i also have my appointment in the psychiatry for picking up some work. i haven’t showered in days as i dread showering like this. yesterday i was fearful, they might need to make a small cut in my ear to relieve this pressure. right now i’d fucking welcome it. i’m tired of this shit. i’m in a superposition of kinda not caring yet entirely, but still understand it might well be, that i could maybe not hear on the right side ever again. it might be a bit panic-y to be all like that but i have to at least opened the door to the room of possibility. this might as well be my new hearing. i even had a thought yesterday where i was like, maybe this’ll level up my music game too. i just live into the day. i sleep around 4-5am and watch Ozark mostly. it’s 13:00 and i haven’t yet eaten breakfast, as i don’t really desire it given i’m just sitting on my dirty ass. a couple kicks would be smart too i suppose. you’re not young anymore, i am gonna toxicize myself with the IG reel i saw yesterday, that we old boys at least have discipline to counterweight the age. i guess so ay? i think i’ll have to reinstate meditational practice into my life. my dear system is overloaded it cannot fight the smallest of fucking infections proper. — lost myself. all this emulator stuff was useless kinda: they’re remaking part 1 as we speak. i can easily play 2 and f and have it that way then. well, i’m losing nothing but time currently. am i? sooo. it’s almost 14:00 and i haven’t done shit. mobility, kicks, cleaning, washing, eating. probably have to go shop at some point too. i have no skyr anymore. and gaming. that’s all that i’ve set up for today really. have i? probably best is to start with feeding and exercising. cleaning? ughhh. probably even way before. okay listen we have two days. so let’s use those two days. how about that ey? let’s do two rooms a day. how about. i was also thinking about rethinking my desk in the living room. i’ll probably not do any pictures in the living room, as the set up isn’t as it should be. i still need a picture for my entrance are to cover the trafo thingy. it’s ingenious really. aaah the other print of my friend would fit here. just need to get it. i’ve found many nice fucking pics. now if i get them or don’t is the question… i have really no money to spare. should do my fucking teeth. should pay the airbnbs. fuck this shit. we’ll consider after the 28th and see an actual balance of our money. right now it’s inflated because of the money for the airbnb. i should probably really get my greenfield tix over coop so i can use my points. okay money doesn’t look too bad. i got the ticket. because i’m not gonna waste 11 bucks on nothing. cheaper this way. i mean that’s almost a game man. days gone for example is super cheap on tutti and so forth. god i really wonder if i should get those prints… though that would be around 200 bucks all of a sudden. don’t think that’s a good idea too be honest. anyways! so i was thinking to maybe go to my tattoo friends and get that print and try it out in the frame. because maybe i’ll get that other picture another frame. maybe. not sure. wouldn’t hurt to go outside a bit too. also gotta get some skyrs. okay so let’s clean up first. do some exercises, then shower. then we can leave. why do i feel like i’m playing the sidequest of tattooer-girl still?… Fuck me if i know. should i brake? don’t think so. don’t want to either. AGH they called. finally. fucking finally. i’ve moved my psychiatry appointment now in hope i can swap the appointments. i was hoping tomorrow. or else they’ll see me on Monday. i don’t wanna fucking wait. seriously. i’m also gonna add 175chf to my other account so i can soonish go to the dentist. MOVED IT. fuck yeah. alright, we got a plan. should i go to the studio still? might as well just get some skyrs today… ugh i don’t know.
day 6. shit hasn’t changed. pressure. almost hearing nothing and this whistle-y sound. i strongly dislike it. i don’t feel like doing anything that way really though i should be starting to do some stuff now. apparently it came to stay so there’s no more reason to wait it out. i just fucking hope this is gone before i go to the concert. i’m fucking livid if i am throwing out money once again for nothing. i was vaping all day yesterday, though i felt like that created more pressure on my ear from the pulling on that thing. i have tons of messages to respond and i don’t look forward to it in the slightest. i want this fucking shit gone and get back to my regular day. at least i worked a lot on the frames, cleaned em up, framed almost everything that didn’t need precise cutting. this one piece actually fits on the eh electronic-controls of the apartment box thingy, which is cool. but i am afraid i don’t like the colors being there? it’s one of my favorite prints yet it doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense in my place. maybe in the bedroom? i’ll leave it there for a moment. maybe it’s also the white frame and maybe it needs a black one. it looks like my sister is super fixated on childrens noise, which of course is also hearable in her new home as in this city you cannot get away from children. they are fucking everywhere. i mean this city probably tries it’s hardest to earn the badge as child-friendly. society doesn’t care much about the childless. why would it? society doesn’t care much about anything aside empty forms. so what do i do with this day? i have to answer my friend in one piece or i run the danger of a back and forth also today. which i don’t feel like in the slightest. i wanted to order a new picture yesterday. but 55 euros is too much right now. so many open bills. tax and airbnbs. and then i get the threat of losing my activity because of… ah fuck it. i should try gaming today. what else can i do? i feel like smoking all day will ruin my day quite a bit. without any movement, it won’t be much of a help. all this human exchange now will feel ass because i am not doing anything. there is like no natural spacing between the things. i am just inside all day long. should i go to work tomorrow? probably, break this cycle of inside. but then i’ll also be asked about this project thing which i really don’t want to be talking about. now i am hyper fixated. well i always am when sick, it makes me miserable a good bit. maybe i should read a bit ah? that wouldn’t lift my spirits by much but at least it would be useful. i mean you got these new books too… which i imagine to read in a different way tbh. well does it really matter now… it doesn’t. i don’t like it when life takes out the wind of my sails. i enjoy the movement. i also loathe a lot of the reasons i have to move but movement is life. everything else is death to me. i wanna air out my place but it feels wrong to do it now as i can hear the town is busy. i also should shower at some point. which i dread because i have to be careful to not get any water in my ear. i’m watching ozark, which isn’t really a crazy amount of fun but it gives me linearity. i fucking hope i get my hearing back until the seasons run out. i’ll actually update my birthday wishes i’ve sent to my sister for the picture i wanted to order. that’s a good idea i’d say. great so i found a bunch of pictures for my apartment. great. more money to spend. my stomach fills stuffed from all the stuff i was munching on yesterday. yeah i’m afraid no weed in excess today. i’ll lay out like 2 capsules worth and that’s it. that’ll be what i gotta survive on today. gotta work through my messages. and then feel miserable for myself in excess. and after spending lots of time in the internet i feel like maybe toking all day anyways. i also gotta decide for tomorrow. i don’t wanna go like this. i don’t want to do anything like this. shall i start the day? shall i?
day fucking 5 of not hearing shit on my right side. i fucking hate it. hating it, makes me hate doing shit. i don’t want to. i am miserable like this. no challenge. nothing to activate me. i should be doing my laundry, it’s in here staring at me. also i should be cleaning up this place a good bit. maybe i should shower also, though i hate the thought of showering like this. maybe i just won’t. slept my 8 hours plus. at least my body does that when it is sick huh? i am happy for today i can at least smoke weed. why wouldn’t i. i see no point in not doing it. the reset was meant for a healthy busy adrien. not for vegetative adrien. at least yesterday i picked up some groceries and stuff i’ll down the line profit from, like almond butter and peanut butter and so on. i also bought stuff specifically to use for a days worth of toking. will that be today? today also this project thingy would be due. but man do i need feel like caring about that. not in the slightest. i’ve listened to zizek yesterday. it was a video over at iai and i know they are paywalled. so this time i’ve started the free trial and actually think i might use it. it seems to be for a good purpose. man i just want so much; there was this about a festival they make. i’d love to participate. i’d love to do so many things. but i can’t. i should be bitching so much, as i get to do a lot of shit for a grown 31 year old boy. my life is peak for others, if they knew. so anyways that wasn’t my point; iai seems pretty cool. i think i should make a habit of checking something out once a week. like feeding the brain and keeping a time pulse also. ugh. i’ve seen a set of weights and dumb-bells. which my dumb ass didnt immediately pull the trigger on. so now it’s gone. it’s like a vortex now. just sucking in all that negativity i can find. is that alright? i wish it wouldn’t be. but i’m a whiny bitch when sick. the docs office is gonna send me to a specialist. apparently they’d rather have it checked also. it’s funny when you think how my training regiment and whatever the fuck i was thinking before just has been stopped dead in it’s tracks. i was contemplating to try vocals for the band with the young kids i hang out with. it would fit me and them so good. though i don’t think i have the skill. though i would just try. wait their former front man also had no fucking clue really. — i think i should structure my day at least. try some stuff out. let’s do a bit of everything. let’s try a bit of gaming. just 10mins. just 10mins of all kindsa things. let’s do some reading. let’s do some watching… oh wait that’s gonna swallow the most huh? won’t it? we just put timers ey? so that’ll at least give some mix throughout the day i’d say. that should activate a bit uh.
so. i don’t really know, should i go to work tomorrow? my right ear is still clogged solid. i’m nowhere near being ready at noon for work. I shouldn’t probably have any loud noises going on. i really don’t know. it would involve calling my boss, finding someone for my shift (i fucking hate that) and checking in with the doc to give me a note. i just don’t feel like going like that really. i probably should then just seal it shut anyways. probably put the ohropax on it. so it’s not stressed by the loud noises the fucking kids make. i’ve been just laying around these days. i mean happy i was able to shower yesterday and get the apartment not look like shit again. today i also have to go drop of some parcels. i gotta include enough time as i also have to get inside to my parents and print something. talking is also gonna take up a good portion of my time. i really don’t want the worst of traffic. that’s what i hated about working nightshifts: you get up and you’re immediately in stress because the world is soon gonna flood the streets. though it still should be quiet by a bit. i also have to factor in that i won’t be having any relaxing sleep tonight if i gotta go to work at noon. ugh. i also have to get my food ready for taking now. that though, i could combine with my parents. at least there’s that. mh missing at work means also no premiums for the shifts. that is ass. i mean i know i have to work in my “vacation” but that would ramp it up to three times. so it’s just working somewhere else and not vacation. though it never was, January is vacation. I was considering October to light fight camp tbh. I should moan too much. Could always be worse. health is a tricky thing. you go on about your days in stress about what you can and cannot do. then your health throws you out and shows, that you should just be happy you are as you are without troubles. a couple moments change it all. - i get lost in the internet. it’s closing in on 1pm. i don’t feel like going through the social hassle of it all to not go to work and guess i’ll just go? ughh. a check-in with chat reveals i should stay at home best. i think it’s best too. i just hate going through the hassle of organisation. especially if i should leave soon. ugh. i’m gonna keep writing as i cannot brush my teeth for 20mins as i’ve drank coffee. So i shot the doctor’s office an email. mmmh. what else can i write about? my life is on halt right now. i hate it. i always hate it when it halts. i don’t want to. i financially feel a bit narrow. the airbnbs have to be paid. i still have my full tax to pay. ugh. it’s still 12 days until payday. the next payday will be slim given i haven’t worked much this month. great. maybe i stay mostly in the office tomorrow? ugh i don’t know. i hate waking up and having to do decisions like this. fuck being sick. it’s bureaucratically annoying as fuck. hey at least i saw The Browning is finally coming to Switzerland! Lucerne isn’t really close by but better than a 3 hour drive. I think it’s 1h?
i haven’t been writing for some days now and just randomly looking at my reddit remembering that i actually have a link to this there made me remember. i still don’t know how viable of a direct connection to this site i want it to be. i don’t feel comfortable knowing this information, this deep inner thought is accessible to others… a part of me thinks, why not? another part of me thinks, once this takes some level it could be annoying as fuck. i think of sleep token as a band right now and how much their singer seems to suffer from it but then i recall myself to reality, that i would never explode in such a way anyways. but still i’d love it to be open, to reach at least some level. but how? how to have it not impact my daily life negatively? the same goes for my body archive idea. like shall i even connect these three things? i don’t know, i don’t know. like i would love to make this place completely filterless. but relationships for example exist in some sort of ambiguity in some sort of twilight, where they could go in any direction. the way it manifests isn’t dictated. it’s not settled in stone, it’s what presents itself along the way, that influences how it manifests in the end. my loyalty to something can be shaken easily by enough impact of one event. of one person. of one opportunity. people change with unforeseen circumstance. if i were to become a millionaire overnight, my moral foundation would prove itself in the form it really is and not by what else is circumstantially staying on the ground. my favorite example is, if i am ugly and have a partner, to plant myself as the best picture of a loyal man is ridiculous: if i don’t have the chance to be disloyal as no-one needs/wants my attention, then i can’t call myself the most loyal person ever. i’m circumstantially loyal anyways. as long as nothing is shaken, my foundation which i claim is foundationless but circumstantial. so i want more attention to what i am. i am aware that you can’t control it once you open the gates really. also i of course have no idea of the intricate mechanisms at play there, as i am not really a consumer of these systems anyways. so it all just stays open… so what made me get lost for days? was it work? i wish i could’ve said so, given that is superbly annoying currently at work. cynicism my coping mechanism is back in full. but no i have a middle ear infection. one of my childhood traumas. is back in full effect. isn’t that lovely. it started at my night over at work. and then it just ramped up. i was in disbelief that this could be fucking happening to me again. but it did. it fucking did. i was in pain every moment from almost the last 48h on. i can be happy that i am a person that hoardes certain meds, so I was able to make use of my benzodiazepines i’ve hoarded. i took 3mg xanax through out those 48h to knock me out. so that was my little light. before i went to bed yesterday the worst of the pain spikes subdued and today when i woke up, i also had less of it. i’m floored as my recent progression in fitness and muay thai now have been fumbled again. now i have to wait for 10 days for my body to settle this one. i hate it. i fucking hate it. am i putting you under too much pressure my dear vehicle? is it too much with work, social life, music and training? can’t you take it? or can’t you defend yourself proper this way? what shall i say? what shall i do? i do not know any better. i also don’t want it any other way; of course i’d absolutely settle for less work, but given the financial situations i will have to opt for more work actually.
alright done replying the urgent stuff. back to work today! feels like i haven’t been there in ages! man that’s actually sweet. aaaah yeah i did exchange a day, that’s where it is coming from actually. nice. actually it’s not so many working days left this month anyways. i also have my other work thing coming up next week. let’s hope i can immediately start. so what else. we’re in the booking for the airbnb for the greenfield. architects and bad omens are confirmed for headlining, which is nice. especially for a festival i will enjoy these two. my bank account of course doesn’t like it. oh well. i’ll wait with the ticket til end of month and it’ll be fine. i am not so much thinking i’m going broke at the moment as i had like a week back. i do have the realization that i do not have anything in form of “old-age” savings. dunno i kinda don’t believe in it as well as i don’t want to as i do have desires i wish to fulfil. old me might hate me for it but man i am living the life. tattoo is still healing up. not sure if i should go back to training tomorrow? i saw the brazil fighter dude is back… not sure if i should like that. maybe even it makes for a better training? i just have to try and not be too rigid as especially my friend dislikes the training at my gym. maybe it’s good even. however. i have to factor in that i have to spend money on my trainings soon too. i did rob the guy of the money for the little amp i have, it was actually my guitar that had a loose contact. i’ve been wondering if i should feel bad about it. i kinda don’t? at least i’ve off set the money i paid for the fine i got for “speeding” aka driving normally. i am in survival mode financially. at least for my terms, it’s ridiculous considering a global scale but oh well let’s not moralize ourselves too much. i am not a good guy and not a bad guy really. i went to IKEA with my mom yesterday to get some more frames for my pictures. i think i have a handsome selection now. not sure if i am entirely happy with it though and at least i can return those i don’t want. i do have to cut some of those but i think we have something for cutting at work. which just would mean i have to take the pictures with me at some point so i can cut them there. it’s actually not a bad idea, then i can also take these books one of my bosses gave me to finally finish this fucking dumb ass project task i was assigned to. shit like that sucks the life out of me. hate it. anyways, i started yesterday about the topic already and now i have to get back to it: i might be heading into a relationship. it’s not something i wanted. i did not want to have such a good partner choice right now. i wanted to be able to conquer my inhibitions of talking randomly to women. if i would’ve really done that is another topic. goth girl is a such a good choice in many ways. she does sporty, she is easy going, she is a well rounded person; if i for some masochistic self-annihilating reason decide i want to end my life by creating offspring, she would probably be a superb choice too. music wise it works great. she is smart, reads books too. sex is great too. she fits in in many ways. so what do i do now? this is actually also not a crazy person from the looks of it. i might not be having any toxic tangos with her. that she is so young is only to be worried about in the sense of how others look at it - and like i mentioned one time, she does talk like very young people do nowadays. though one must say, i do that too to some extent. ugh. if we want to be toxic-male about it, she’s not a 10/10 though. my vanity would like that. but 10/10 is toxic mentality preprogrammed for sure. do i even like stability in that aspect? maybe i like the whole toxic shit unbeknownst to me? i really don’t think i’m mentally programmed for the programme of love though. it’s not like that, infatuation used to be my long made projections into a person. so what with it now huh? i think we’ll just let it run it’s course. my family would be all over this, as they care probably about nothing more than me creating offspring to continue the cycle of life. i still don’t have any wishes in that regard. maybe sometimes a thought here and there pop up. but again: i don’t think i like self-annihilation at all. well another plus point is, that that topic could chill for another 4-5 years easily with her. and seriously, our goals right now are training, music, concerts, socializing, fighting at some point. randomly meeting chicks would mess with my plans heavy. i could even do sports with her. i’m pretty sure she would fucking push me condition wise. the only thing that wouldn’t be fulfilled would be my max vanity. how important that is as of now, i really don’t know. i don’t think it’s that important… imagine also if you’re in a flow of constantly doing shit, she would probably fit in there sooo handsomely. i wouldn’t find myself in these moments where i find myself to be alone. it wouldn’t just be a filled void, it would actually be filled with good convos and be nurturing. nurture or vanity? that’s what we probably have to choose. it’s actually what we wished for, this type of relation ship as
fast pace day once again. i even took some elvanse this morning. i took it upon me to solve my frame problem and yesterday got some frames. not too happy with all of them but it’s a good start nonetheless. in about 20min i’ll go to the ikea with my mom to get some more frames. they don’t have to be used, new ones are fine too and from what i’ve seen the collection they have is nice. so i don’t have much time as i need to shower and rethink the rest of pictures and which frames they should use. though i can do some of it at the store. just dont forget to return the stuff you don’t need! which is the blue curtains. mmh what else. i still havce to do the violin part and realized my little lpk midi keyboard is too small really. there’s good stuff online! sweet. anyways i have to write a bit about something important too, which i don’t have time for now really but still: it looks like i’m heading into a relationship. a part of me dislikes it as we settled mentally for something else really. also we wanted to experience more women. now i can. i never been able to. i never felt good enough for it. and now i can. now i’m trying to make the moves and all. and what happens? i stumble into a girl that is actually 100% relationshipable. music wise, lifestyle wise, social wise, energy wise,… fuck. how the fuck. and now what? ruin that? so i can fuck around? i have to think hard about this. my fear is that: i go into that relationship because a lot is ideal and then i start to resent her slowly because my unfulfilled desires. if i don’t, then i fulfil my vain desires but then i might find myself with a boat load of regret a year down the line after the odyssey came to a halt. with her one could even consider kids at some point. which i really don’t wanna think about or plan for; but the option is viable. also the age gap makes that a really sweet option for in like 5 years or so. man. i hope we find time later to delve more into that.
im still fantasizing how nice it would be to all of a sudden get 10k. man that would be so lit. i could do a lot of upgrades with that. many of which aren’t really important for like life in general but more just because i want them too. i’m so vain that i’d get grillz, i’d get tattoo sessions back to back… what else… a lot of things. no using diving in really. i’m contemplating buying weights. now the thought popped back up, to ask my neighbours if they mind me setting up some stuff downstairs. now i also fantasize how nice it would be to get a house together with my sister and brother in law, that way we could actually have a big gym altogether. that would be sooo sick. i’m still imagining this one house that had a big ass garage. man, i wouldn’t even need a gym. well but that’s all fantasy realm. makes me wanna play lotto not gonna lie. but i know it’s useless. my cousing was talking all about investing and shit yesterday but yeah i have no clue of that and i don’t think it’s useful for me anyways. i kinda have to come to terms that i am stuck with my salary and that is it. i’ll still entertain some thoughts as some form of escapism of course. i am afraid i don’t have too much influence on that. i’ll try selling some of my stuff. that’ll yield a couple francs. i think i won’t be able to go train tomorrow. my leg is still looking too scabby for it i believe. today i have no clue what to do. i will do some mobility stuff. mmh, don’t have to cook. actually could’ve gone to Germany for some shopping. but i don’t feel like it. i was wondering if i should go look for frames for my pictures. that idea i don’t even hate as much. currently i don’t like the idea of spending money really. mmhh. i don’t have to cook too much this week. i still should get ready for having food these days. i’m running desperately low on tofu. HEY! if i am not training tomorrow, that means we can do seitan really easy! let’s go! tomorrow is seitan day. let’s make a huge ass fat fucking batch. i could in the evening then play video games. i feel like having to finish death stranding. at least i can give it another go? let’s give it another go and if we really don’t feel like playing it, so be it. i have deathloop? not sure what it’s name was again but that might get me back to wanting to game. though now gaming is my least concern i guess. i am envious. envious of fictive persons that have cash at their disposal and can simply buy what they want. but the likes i imagine it from, actually don’t care much about the things that i care for. they probably spend it on wine and ski resorts, watches and such. i wouldn’t mind a new watch to be honest. but still. maybe i should invest if i get my miraculous 10k out of the blue hah! i would probably do that though. like 2k or something. wouldn’t be dumb i suppose. the good old topic. btw why is it so quiet? is it vacation time currently? not that i’d be aware of… it is! autumn vacation time. huh. btw it looks like my cannabis smell problem is gone. the two downstairs broke up. apparently still living together. which i imagine is fucking hell, given this apartment is just enough for one person. she does seem to light incense quite a lot. she isn’t really pretty but i did consider spending a night with her. i wonder where this is coming from, i believe it’s suppressed desires of my youth. i will have to indulge them i believe. they won’t just fly away by themselves. or do i have to control it? put some sense into me? accept i found a nice girl and hold onto that? i mean yes it doesn’t have this pathetic thing of me wanting to text her constantly. maybe she has it to some extent but controls it because i’m so “distanced” notificationwise? i am a mess. life is a mess. to quote my sister - even if not word by word, but the message is: our brains are not made for happiness. we are constantly thinking what could happen. that’s it. could be an escape to not allow oneself to continue chasing equanimity. or it’s the truth. i never stand still mentally. i always want something. i almost can’t otherwise. i swing from desire to stress, desire, stress, relief, desire, reach it/don’t reach it… now i’m thinking about tattooer girl again. she asked if i had a ps2 because she wanted to start playing silent hill. i also wanna do that. now imagine how it would be when she’s like spending time at my apartment playing video games in a cozy cute outfit, sleeping on the couch and i get home and cuddle in with her. ouff. slave to my desires. especially fantasies. and i don’t have wild fantasies. my fantasies are special because of the people in it. anywho. let’s see what happens today. i will go to the studio. i’ll practice some bass at home too i’d say. though it’s more of a theory lesson the next one that is coming up. still: do it. okay so let’s see. mobility, correspondence, bass lessons, breakfast, showering, studio, return car, get an extension cable. man i also gotta get to ikea at some point. maybe make it a date? maybe. i also gotta ready the traktor controller for sending. ughhhh.
i did something right yesterday, i have a slight muscle sore in my back. i was doing just a couple of things, which was nice. still should time them. i think i’ll do that later, so i can see if i can chunk these into 30min blocks. would be dope. then i could plan them more easily. also yesterday the fight night was nice. a couple good fights and the atmosphere was really cool. i learned some stuff about fighting and the programs. for example my boys told me i should do k1 rules first. which i think is a good idea, as the elbows are rather a source of discomfort as of now, instead of a big help. in my hometown they fought a lot of the k1 fights with oriental rules, which none of us knew. that is actually just prolonged clinch, up to 10seconds i believe. anyways, i wanna do those rules as my first fight that would be sick. clinching is super important to me. sometimes it feels like i don’t know what i’m signing up for. but i think i do somehow. like i know i will be fucking nervous. i know i will have a cocktail of a range of emotions. i know all of that. the experience i cannot know and is exclusive to the moment. and that’s also what it is about: experiencing all of that. climbing that hill. of course i could get knocked out. or maybe i’ll be totally ruling in such a setting. who knows? no one, until i try. i’m thinking about that i haven’t taken elvanse in a while and i should really keep my body used to it. my plan is to keep it in me for the fight preparation time. which started already and is on halt until my tattoo is healed proper. just thinking about tattoos makes me wish i stumble into 20k just like that. mhh. okay i got lost in the bandchat. so today i wanna do some mobility and training stuff. i gotta do these kick-chamber hops that’s for sure. gonna do some more stuff for my knees. and what else… some more sit-ups that’s for sure and squats again too. my legs can take it. this is a good reminder for creatine. alright. today i wanna do some stuff in the studio. remember to not get overwhelmed. it’s a lot to work on bass tone, i get it, many things to be aware of and shit. i know. you got it though. i also should change the vampyre strings, having all new strings on both basses is a nice feel. that’s for sure. i should be doing some calculating of intervals for the new bass too. so i know which notes are where. though i’ll probably do that when i’m figuring out the bass line to the new EP anyways. i also need to cut my nails today. what else… oh hair, i wanted to get rid of those today too. anything else… mhhh. an observation i made with cannabis consumption is, that when i have the option to do it, i leave the house and i’m about to come back, my system would love to be able to consume. but then i feel unlust doing anything because i can’t do that. that is annoying as yesterday i then just did some bass lessons and that feeling immediately went away. but if i entertain that one too much, it definitely makes things harder for me. can’t say i’m too much of a fan of that! but maybe i just have to grow past that point. just keep doing something when that creeps up and it’ll even itself out. i hope so. if not, guess we’ll have to kill it off entirely. what is certain, that i have to plan that on a not working day followed by. makes me all forgetful and shit. didn’t like that at all. i have to stand above my desire really. i could plan the days also in my calendar. though that is also weird. i could mark possible days rather. i must say though, the 0.5g approach works very well. i still want more potent weed for the vaporizer, but that’ll be a problem for another time really. btw my cold is still holding up, it’s superbly annoying. my time-schedule also kinda tells me, that i won’t be having time to go groceries shopping in germany. i should order some stuff really. man if i was working at the clinic, maybe especially a night every month, i could outsource a lot of administrative tasks to that time. like ordering from DM what i need. alright keep that in mind, can’t do anything about it now. i do have that appointment, which i put in as of now. okay i think we best start the day now. prep breakfast, due mobility and some exercises. shower, cut hair. studio.
i’ve been up and doing this for a good while now. i feel bad about the band thing, that it is going so slow. i hope my friend our songwriter isn’t hurting too much. i’m back to making an effort though! i also set up the spector now so there’s that! and it is superbly fucking nice. this time the phat string does what it should. of course i feel a bit overwhelmed to sculpt the tone now. but that’s alright, i’ll get there. shouldn’t be too rigid with myself. my tone for the vampyre is dope! so i got there too and i will with this one too. it’s just always so frustrating at the beginning, i feel like someone threw me in the cockpit of a plane and said: fly it now. but i know we can sort it out. we will. i have some time today and will spend it doing that. the apartment will get a tiny bit of attention, i will do some little exercising, shower and cut my hair. soonish i have to pick up all the guys too. hmmm. i will have an hour with my bass. i think that is alright. i should probably come to the point of finding out the time of my mobility yoga stuff so i can plan that in too. i still feel like i should do a course at one point and that that would majorly benefit me. maybe i should really see to it in colombia? oh man we need to do some scouting for that too or else i will die of boredom i guess! ehm what else. oh goth girl was over again and man if i didn’t have these pills i wouldn’t know how to fare with my problem. maybe i’m too hard and doomy on myself with it but i can’t imagine having a relationship when i feel like i sexually malfunction. though i must say the peak she reached wasn’t from classical in and out sooo. because of this i also asked myself: do i really want the same person over and over? at least sexually? i really don’t know what i want in that regard. i do enjoy the intimacy and the closeness to someone. at the same time i feel like the same person bores me? like, i have experienced you already. what more of it? or maybe that changes with the right person? i’m also juggling my desire to not be an asshole to another person. but i don’t know if all of that is combinable? with her it is actually very nice and thinking about the future possibilities yields good results too; she’s buys, has her stuff, isn’t annoying textwise, as of now we can simply chill and not have to do mad fancy shit… the 10 years difference though, make for some slight weird word choices on her behalf. like calling me bro at a point. which is more like form aesthetics and not really saying too much. it’s more of the category of: what will others say/think? which is a category i care more for than i like to admit. but it is true. so yeah. i don’t know. i really wanna experience the tattoo-artist girl too. despite almost knowing she is not as cool as the goth girl. but i just wanna know what it would feel like. i just love women. and maybe i was always starved in that regard by myself and my inhibitions. and now i wanna feel that? it’s also nothing new we have discussed this at ample times, i guess even recently. it’s just now im in the spot of having a relationship with someone. hey i even play deathcore when shes around and she defo doesn’t mind. the thing is also, that i have the feeling i make things more about me. i really don’t care too much for others output? like i can listen to people and closely to understand what they say. but i feel like, i really don’t care. i just let it pass through and often times i will tell something about myself that is similar to the experience or whatever it is they shared. it’s nothing to be fond of. but it’s just what i observe. i can listen yeah. but i choose not to? i’m not interested like that i suppose. i also wonder if love is really a strange concept to me; to be blown away by a person. to me it’s all inner oscillations. maybe that’s just me? maybe that is how it is? since i cannot confirm the later and should conclude from my standpoint, i guess it’s just me. i wanna have. that is something i know. i wanna have the experience of a person but after that, it all dies down a bit. how the fuck does one communicate something like that then? hmmm? “sorry i know you’re all into this and i give you the complimentary feelings i suppose, but there’s nothing inside corresponding that much. i think we should break it off, before you get seriously hurt”. ouch. but what should i do? i’m not faking this! though i must say, it’s rather obvious from my initial intentions. but again, if they are not these intentions, then it is again about me. about me using someone as a vehicle for my projections. it’s also not real. despite having all the power of “love”. but not from the right source. i don’t know, maybe the spring doesn’t exist for it in me, in general doesn’t; or the concept hasn’t developed correctly in me (again:”i am faulty. i am a malfunction”); or maybe i haven’t yet been truly in love. who the fuck knows. strategically as of now, it’s perfect with her. low maintenance. not because i don’t care or she is not worth of it. but because i am busy and very importantly: she is busy too. ugh. anyways, let’s start the day or i won’t be touching no strings at all today. ps: i haven’t even talked about smoking weed again lol. i already wanna smoke all the time! but i locked it already as i’ve been smoking three days in a row! at least i capped it at 0.5g per sesh. so there’s that.
yesterday i just wanted to smoke. simply because i knew i could. so i did. made me of course be awake for long. i also must say, at work i was more chaotic then i was recently. and that is definitely linked. so smoking will have to be on non-work days. i really dislike that feeling. i have to use the magnets! i have to plan these also in advance. i really have a pull towards smoking cannabis it’s crazy. i really hope it can even itself out quite naturally. i’ll just continue as planned. i have to keep in mind that while i wait for my tattoo to heal, is not the best time anyways without training. uhm what else do i got going on? i’m gonna bring my bass very soon to the luthier. again i feel bad for wanting to set it up with this massive string. i know the guy won’t like it. but he will do it. probably without much verbal comment. i also just hope it’ll sound nice. i might just go and try it out right after. though i should also eat. probably have to cut writing short (again) and prepare everything like food, charger for laptop and so on. i have to spend more time prepping really. food also. maybe i have to prep my breakfast in advance kind of? so i just can mix it and go? ugh i don’t know how to improve things. i have a lot to do on the regular. it’s just so hard to time with work. and i will have to work even more. though that we can almost exclusively try to do during my compensation days? a lot to figure out… the tattoo also threw me out. and let’s be real we always get back to our level. i just have to improve some shit. i have to say smoking weed throws me back to working music also. i rarely feel like sitting down soberly and listen to stuff and work on it. i know that’s not the best way. but i need things to throw me into a state kinda. i feel stressed out recently really. doesn’t matter if i want to or not. just is that way. maybe work life will change next year. that would be very cool. i also shouldn’t get my hopes up for getting a raise or anything this coming year. pretty sure things’ll stay the same. i also must say the relationship to goth girl is the best possibility for a relationship in like ever. i was at the tattoo-studio two days ago and she who I used to put in ** was there too. and yeah, it is true: i used her as a container. i don’t think the both of us would fit. i just think she is pretty and she is hot. i am almost convinced there wouldn’t be a high level of comfort in that relationship. it would be a challenge to “have her”. it would actually die down over a while i suppose. i mean i still wanna “have her”. but it’s just not that pathetic and acute as it was in my derailed every day haze of smoke. i feel like goth girl blocks my recent desire of just going with girls and also being more open as it’s too good of a fit to be discarded easily. we will see what time brings. the biggest problem with girls was always and forever will be, that there is just some girls i think of so fucking highly that i elevate them to a weird status in my mind and now they are this queen of unconquerable reality of which i’m no part of. that is the fucking issue. i keep doing that. and it is absolutely not helping. so how do i keep myself from this? just keep a distance to those girls? best panacea is actually just getting closer to them in everyday situations. well not all of them are linked to my reality like that? man i just generally give things too high of categories in reality. i know the secret: shorten the time. you wanna talk to her? talk to her. if i let it ruminate, a whole fucking universe starts to exist where she is unreachable for me. it is superbly dumb. but that’s how you work. i have to train this. this non-chalance. it almost always turns in to this pathetic “princess” shit. there are no princesses. and those who have been made to believe that, are fucking toxic to reality. i don’t need no toxins but the ones i already crave. fuck that shit. anyways, time to bounce.
1st of october. i thought i was dead broke but turns out i have to pay taxes until the end of the year. so at least i don’t have to worry about that. also my second account looks better than i thought, so i’m not dead broke. my columbia trip is safed 100%. i allowed myself yesterday to smoke again already as i’ve seen the box is open when my best friend asked for papes as he forgot his. to me that’s okay. so that means i have one another time left to smoke and then the box is closed for 2 weeks again. i’ll keep it on smoking twice and not three times til lock-up as i’ve first imagined. i have this work project, which i regarded as not important (as it is) at least in it’s current phrasing and now i think i will have to answer the parts i was assigned to even if not really important. thank god i can use ai for stuff like this to collaborate. i have not much time today as i gotta get to work pretty soon. also have to get some groceries. i was thinking to do some mobility stuff but man do i feel not motivated with my tattooed leg that leaves it’s residue of cream everywhere. kind of an excuse, but for now i’m okay with it to be honest. i had a lot of laundry in my living room hanged to dry and it felt pretty humid in there and i think some of the tapestry got a bit loose of the wall. so that’s how humidity creeps in to walls i guess. it was bad timing as i had to leave so long for work. during the cold days i will have to find another way to do it. and most of it will be in here in my kitchen/entrance area because the walls aren’t tapestry. looks like that makes a difference. so what else? how was it smoking again for the first time? it was nice i’d say, i was listening to our newest project and had some creative ideas. i know it’s a bad idea to put it all on the weed for work in that regard but i see it’s point. i feel like forming any opinions on the whole music thing right now is senseless, as i’m waiting to set up my Spector. i wanna make a new tone with it. and without that i feel like not going to the studio. it’s still messy how to balance my time with my unlust. but also currently with tattoo healing i don’t feel like doing much anyway. i should trick myself at least a bit to do something. but i’m fixated on what i can’t do right now. i know this can be broken by just sitting down and doing just 10mins of something. which can be hard. i also haven’t used the magnetboard much. which i feel like i should really. right now i just feel the cold/sniffles and tattoo healing cramping my style. so what is it? we have to eat, shower, play some bass, air out the place. i have something in the freezer that i can take for eating. and get to work. so that’s that. so doing some mobility now, some knee rehab, some pushups, some ab stuff, some left side kicks… play bass. eat. shower. air out, pack and move. that should work smoothly i’d say. so let’s do that. i feel like i haven’t been working in ages; well i just checked in it’s been 6 days since i left, actually working. yesterday is also working of course but different.
haven’t written in days! so what is there to say, what happened? many thoughts, many events, many things… i wanna start of by saying, that i think i’ve found a way to make this nexus between me and my real me work: i will have my journal kind of like entries - like this one - on lock for a month. maybe longer? so that there actually is a way that i still feel privacy and intimacy for the rare case this thing becomes known and all of a sudden i feel like the world is able to “predict” me or something. i do not want this to have adverse effects on my life. and i feel like with this, it won’t. so there’s that, one very important thought i had and felt like i need to share. or at least relive or whatever. another was i had goth girl over and we spent a lovely evening of conversations about many things, we cooked a recipe with soba noodles i had in stow for a long time which was tremendous and it might make it’s way into my regular dishes (mental note: check for woks), we watched Whiplash together, which just is a tremendous fucking movie hands down and in the end we devoured each other. i didn’t want to push because last time she braked and man if there’s something i don’t want is anyone feel uncomfortable with me in whatever scenario but at one point i did make my way to her legs and from her body language i’ve read, that i shall continue so i did. ouff makes me excited to just think about it again. so far with her it has been a very nice pace. you can still feel the age gap distinctly especially in the way of verbal expressions but by circumstance she met my father already and i’d say she proved herself as very approachable and easy going. i hope the easy goingness keeps up and the frequency especially as it is really nice to not be pestered and feeling “needed”. that thought circulated around for a while too: did i ever really fall in love or was i in relationship with girls that needed me? did i choose subconsciously with purpose, girls that needed me? i wouldn’t say so that that was my goal. that would be too specific to keep an eye out. my first girl was absolutely just because of the way she looked (i mean initiating the whole thing). only after that the realization could have been made that in fact she is crazy. this girl was such a container for all my projections, ideas, whims of the past, fantasies of love and what not to be poured into. it wasn’t her fault. it was just me being deprived of love of intimacy with a person for all the young life i lived back then. i was 24 i guess? and never before did i feel safe to have someone so close. so all the sweetness my whole inner life stored was unleashed upon her. very unreal it must have felt to her. soiled in reality, here came the prince with flying castles. she was crazy without my doing, i just did not care at all about her like that; i knew what i wanted her to be and i thought i can handle everyone because i’m so used to everything by my worklife. i do feel kinda sorry for that. but also i believe she had a lovely time with me, an introduction to intimacy? she also never had anything like that before in her life. a dude it had so many pathetic scenes, jeez. but my last girlfriend was just there at the right time, pushing herself in a nameless vacuum. i was empty, waiting for my school/training to be done. i did not care much about things, i was just coasting, living with this stoner dude who had (and probably still has) no clue of fucking life. i was in a situation i did not care for, i was trying to get to autopilot as much as i could. it’s saddening sometimes to think about how much of my life was just *waiting*. waiting for this to be over, waiting for that to be over,… i felt often so powerless to situations of my life. i mean i still do. but it’s different nowadays kinda. circling back: she was there at the right time. in a time i did not care for anything, and not in a suicidal way or anything, just in a: our vehicle is going in a certain direction, i can’t make this “the journey is a destination” thing so i’m just enjoying the most of my time in the car while actually not giving a flying fuck for the 2 year ride we commenced. she needed me, oh and most importantly, she introduced me to having sex. that was one keypoint of the whole thing. in hindsight she probably fucked more than i can ever reach in a lifetime and had more partners i’ll ever be able to have, even if i made a serious effort of it; so she was just sexually experienced. when i think about the girls i had intimate time with since we broke up, none of them came close to that level of efficiency/proficiency of stimulation, it is bonkers. as if she had a fucking degree in that. and despite how fucking annoying and costly it was to break up with her and get things to where they finally fucking are, for that alone it was worth it. i learned so much about me. i understand that a “normal” way of life of a couple as portrayed a lot nowadays, is death to me. to imagine the same mundane boring life day in day out. to try to outsource your experiences into outside in to stuff like dinners, city-trips and what not. or having a dog in this still young phase of life. it’s death by boredom. but without her i wouldn’t have ever learned sexuality like that. i wouldn’t know these things i know now. the things that i want and desire. so it indeed was a tremendously important step up in my life. a friend of me has her in his socials and updates me sparsely at times and i guess she has now what she wanted? or maybe she repeats her families curse of absolute passivity in dependence, whatever it’s not my problem. so the frequency now is good. i can enjoy it like that. though i must say my insanely high standards of beauty aren’t really matched… i mean my last girlfriend wasn’t a beauty either. she was a very cool person though (if only before she totally opened up to being comfortable around me and there while being allowed to be her full self which was an entirely empty nothingness of a person just being very good in playing along). but the beauty is: i don’t have to care too much about this. i can simply let this roll. which i’ll do. so another topic: i went to my first convention with the guys from the tattoo studio. it was definitely an experience, also kinda expensive of an experience but we also made 3rd place with our tattoo. my lower right leg is now very much tattooed. it’s still not done. it cost me 1k too. so these two parts i don’t like too much. now of course the healing phase kicks in. the phase i hate the most and filling me with the most of negativity towards the new tattoo. it’s funny how one should think, you’d be happy about a new tattoo. but i never am directly afterwards. because it comes with consequences. even to this day i still have little me’s fears of being judged. i judge harshly everything and everyone. it’s been in me forever. given by my mom maybe or whatever. of course i don’t carry it out entirely. but a new tattoo has people looking. having people look, has two sides to it. so i’m not a fan of the new tattoo feeling along with healing. it’s better once it settles really. man it’s also super fucking cold having my leg out like this. not sure how much i want to continue while it is so fucking cold and i can’t go out with tons of clothes. tomorrow i have to go super early to work also. i dread the thought. i’m gonna carry my laptop with me so i can do the whole thing with the music i promised i’d do, too. i’m slowly ramping it down with the plus things i did for the kids at my work. it’s nice of me, but this surplus work is not really paying off in any meaningful way. so i’m stopping it. it’s nice to have the kids enjoy it, but it’s short-lived. so fuck it. today, i have the whole day to myself. i could do some *meaningful* work and wash some stuff in my basement, i could check my to-do’s. i could, i coould… i don’t feel like doing that stuff though. i could also work on some material for the band - but as of now it feels all so distant. i have to get back into groove. maybe i’ll trick myself into, trying just “a bit” and see if it latches on. i feel like gaming though. also i’m gonna do some bass lessons. i wanna finish that game really. and soon i'll be smoking cannabis again. i did take elvanse today too.
still got a runny nose but man i trained away this cold. good for me man! this much training does well on my body, i look fucking shredded. i got an almost visible sixpack for the first time in my life sheesh. i think the further along we continue this journey the better i will even look. im still ambivalent towards the whole flesh canvas idea. and why? i don’t know it fills me with unlust to think of doing it. doing the pictures and all. though i should really use the means i have, which is a full green screen and lights in our studio box. yeah with that i’ll do pretty crazy stuff i’d say! i feel a bit bad about the gopro, as the one i bought is old and actually there are newer ones for almost the same price. it always nags at me when i “lose” money on things. currently i feel a bit like i have lost a handsome amount of money and now the taxes, the london fiasco and so on. i also don’t earn that much. wait, i didn’t earn much because of my vacation days right? i don0’t remember how that went with salary… is that for august now? it might be always one month late i think i remember. well we will try to work in our old clinic. maybe during my october time, if i get in like 3 days of work i might have made 1k? i would like to not even list it in taxes but i’m afraid that’s not even possible. i find myself in wishes of stumbling into a 10k so i can take it easy from there. like then i could finish my tattoos and apartment and what not and simply take it easier. but i wouldn’t know how. stuff like flesh canvas should help me somehow find an outlet. but i am also not the type for stuff like that. it will have to be an archive. i’m not one for content creating really. i am one for sharing my thoughts, but actually linking all this to my socials? i don’t think so man. it would be so sweet to have a little side money coming in. but again: wouldn’t know how. guess work is all there is for me huh? nights would pay me handsomely, but then again that would disrupt my training. or if i were able to train at night, even if not strongly, maybe i could lvl up while making money. i would have to find a way to use my work time… but again: wouldn’t know how. i don’t have much time this morning, as i’m gonna help one of my tattooers/friends to move, he asked me just the night before. my first impulse is: yes let’s do it, even if it’s gonna disrupt my morning. second thoughts, which come from my lifes experience is: i don’t get nothing for it. then i trail off a bit that maybe one day it’ll payout, but then also it’s not fair, if you’re a tattooer suddenly everything becomes a transaction? so my first impulse has to stay, which i like to call a socialist impulse that i have: i do it because that’s how we should do it. we do it because i believe that is how to do it. we humans help each other. that is one of my inner core beliefs. of course the secondary evolution is the negative of that: people do not help each other, every one looks out for themselves. well. i dislike that. i’m going in circles mentally since yesterday. like when i saw my taxes, i mean for some reason i thought i paid them off, though also thinking: you didn’t. you laid off some payments and you know it. i wanna change my insurance, as i really do not want to spend more on it for the classical model of just choosing a doctor on my own volition. i think my “home-physician” is actually pretty okay. i will write my new-old insurance. and also ask about the sportbeitrag. because man i am doing a very hefty sport. not just fucking hockey. that shit is ridiculous and so fucking swiss. paying for hockey but not for my gym. dumb shit. anyways i’m timing out. today i’ll have to meet with my sister for some work stuff. it fills me with deep unlust. also this “project” at work is dumb and we’re on a multitrack. i feel like i’m playing along in some old mans delusion; this project leads nowhere. it swallows my time though. i just hope my boss pulls the plug. i’m through with this shit. but i don’t wanna have to tell him. it’s not my responsibility, nor my job. i’m just doing what i do. apparently i am not bad at it. right now i wish that will be reimbursed at some point. but i don’t have high hopes for the sober-reality. it never comes with benefits. doesn’t have too many real down sides either. it just is: sober, sterile and cold. doesn’t matter for how long your ass parks on it: it warms up for a bit, but as soon as your ass is moved, it’s cools down immediately. well.
my kneeeeee. it doesn’t like this load of training i’ve fed my body. well knee, i’m afraid you can’t choose too much in this regard. i’ll have to find a training to help with this. glad there’s this heels over toes guy. i always feel pressured with stuff like that though. like i have to do the whole thing and then i get paralyzed. anyways, soon we can smoke weed again. soon we won’t be able to train. gotta make sure we are not just wasting our time. i have to call my luthier guy today too. so a task for today is to plan on the board! or i reserve that for monday morning. as of now i know what to do until then. okay maybe then. i won’t be training for 10 days so there’s ample time to feel bad and be sluggish. which i don’t want. i will focus on music during that time. i should have my bass ready on friday, so there’s that too. i will work on the violin part, i will drill the bassline to the ep and for the second part of the ep i still have to figure it out. i felt so smart in that plane, when i found out, that i can actually just listen for the root note and add those in length before i get overwhelmed trying to go at it monolith style lol. alrighty then. my cold is progressing to levels of being less annoying, so that is good too. i think my body has gotten used to the elvanse now too, so i won’t be doing it everyday. it definitely helps with keeping me “motorized” during hometasks and stuff. not sure how much i like it at work though. i did realize i spend more time listening and don’t jump to what i wanna say. though i also had the feeling, that it left me clueless all of a sudden. like i don’t know what to follow up with all of a sudden. hmph. yeah this week is much settled, though weekend nights are still open? aaah maybe we also go to the studio during that time. how about that. haven’t been there in ages. i urge myself to do some training/yoga stuff or at least research it during this time too. i know this is not a fun task and my brain sees no dopamine release in that, i’d still urge it to do it. or maybe i just like being unhappy because of some things? who knows. today i have ample time to play bass. that is glorious. i’ll be biking to work and i must say, i probably gotta get used to it, as it’s winter soon and everything else but biking will eat away a handsome amount of time. my membership at my gym is also running out. i feel bad telling them i won’t be doing no full membership anymore. should i though? it’s almost more sensible to get a place where i can put stuff to train actually than to give them money. i can still go to sparring on saturday. the training though? does it help me? wait it doesn’t really. i only get something from sparring with others… if i were to go to only the training on monday and let’s say to my hometown on friday… maybe even the odd wednesday and sometimes saturday, that would be enough. i have to drill mostly stuff. though that could get boring. we need the interaction also… tough decisions. what sucks though, is that i’d have to take the fucking bike to training. in winter. i really do not see myself doing that. it’s not even just that. i really don’t believe i will be going then. i don’t owe them anything. of course the owner did help with me even trying out this sport at all but aside from gratitude there really isn’t anything that was done for me. i even feel not seen and not taken care of. so i don’t need to do any of this shit. i might still do the 10 piece thingy, and then i will simply see how it’ll turn out. either way: i’ll need the car. maybe i’ll just make it a regular thing to go train in my hometown every Friday. make it a thing to train almost every monday. i have my schedule far in advance, i can simply adjust and plan in advance. so there’s that. i think that is the way. i might have time to fight the next 2 years. let’s take advantage of that. on another note, the small muay thai gym in medellin already responded and the guy was very jovial! so i have good feeling about that. what else? i’m trying out my uniqlo boxers and already have an order in the pipeline i wanna shoot. i fucking love uniqlo. such a superb brand and also makes me feel good the fuckers in this country don’t know about it. mostly, i suppose. oh my mother asked me to listen in on her presentation and sheit that was actually interesting; it was about the gastarbeiter in switzerland back in the day. those were some horrible conditions. a dumbass will be able to still pin it on “well they chose” and using personal agency as a copout. well you know i don’t. this definitely changed my picture even further of this country. i still love it here, given the global climate. but it will never just be “home”. it’s still home now, this city is my hometown now. but i’ll never be it’s citizen agreed upon all citizens. many will. there will always be grounds to dispute it though. so i have to be aware: there is no home for me. maybe if i one day buy a home… if ever possible to me lmao
i was at the hno physician yesterday, it’s what we call the guys specializing in nose, throat & ears doctors. he looked at my tonsils and was like, yeah these fuckers are making the trouble for you. for him though it wasn’t recommendable to remove them if you just get an inflammation a couple times in a year. would be different if you get like 8. 8. motherfucker i get fucking more than 4 i’m gonna cut em out my damn self! but yeah from what i gathered the repercussions where mostly of short lived matter, that the healing process is tiresome and also painful. could also bleed a lot - which i of course already knew. well it’s something to consider, dunno if i’d probably help myself also by removing them for older ages. like what if i get constantly sick when im 45 or something with this stuff. then i’d be happy i’ve just got over it a while ago right? let’s keep it in orbit. we didn’t get any system of a down tickets. it was sold out and expensive. fucking ticketmaster didn’t let me in multiple times because of “suspicious” activity. FUCK YOU. motherfuckers. i’m kind of full of hope they’ll turn up at the Greenfield somehow. but let’s see. yeah moneywise i don’t like my situation. the way i deal with my money is having a feeling for it and not a strict budget. i’m afraid that would give me more anxiety and also make me understand my finite resources. this way works fine. i won’t have much for old age, but i never planned for that anyways. i don’t believe in that shit. the stability of the future. training yesterday was mad nice, i wonder if my cold-fighting body can hold this up with me going so hard. but i think it will, i’m just hardening it even further. so tonight again. one days rest then again! at least i get to sleep as much as my body deems is right! today i also have elvanse to back me up. just got lost there again looking at bad omens merch as i still don’t have a shirt from these fuckers. i just remembered they’ll be here in december. probably should go and see them! despite dislike bigger places for concerts… i have to answer alt girl from portland, my friend in columbia i’ve been sitting on for a while now. with him it maddens me sometimes, cause i feel like pressure to answer this stuff. but my life is not like his, like i’m not having many slots in life where i just have to kill time so i don’t get to answer those too easily. and i dont’t think he can understand and there is no way you can make another person really understand your life. i can tell him what was up and maybe he will to some extent understand what is happening. but that gives a lot of time to build resentment. anyways, it’ll be that way. it’s a busy week. i like that. i have my father coming by soon, we gonna put up the nightstands as well as we will put the hooks for my little kicking mat placement thingy. nothing too fancy. maybe we can look at my closet too as i don’t like how the doors slide closed. tomorrow i’ll have to do laundry and man, please let’s make food in advance. i really dislike the stress before work. even if we actually have ample time? on friday i’ll see goth girl, maybe we’ll go skating, would be an interesting thing to do. the weekend throughout it is tattooing then.
my fear of not being able to sleep didn’t prove itself. i was tired all evening almost. the diazepam did a nice job. so i don’t have a lot of time today as i gotta be at work in an hour and a half. i have to wash another of aglaoenema as it also has the spider webs, i have to prep myself a salad. i have to eat breakfast and i have to do a little bit of bass exercises. what else… mhm. i won’t shower, i’ll do that tonight. i have to check the weather though, looks like it’s shorts time still. i won’t take any elvanse today i figured. i might do so tomorrow? and then i might continue again all week. i woke up with a stuffy nose and a dried out mouth from mouth breathing all night i guess. i met the goth girl yesterday again, she had a sick outfit yo, damn. we were stupid and got caught kissing around by one of my musician friends (he’s a 16yo kid btw lol) but oh well. funny about her and me is: we actually know each other from long before. she was like: “did you skate before?” which i told her yes i did and she said she was constantly at the indoor skatepark. well me too, i practically lived next to it. i couldn’t remember at first and she neither, but over time we figured it out and all the memories did came back. i remember also ignoring her mostly, because she was probably 17 at the time. i remember telling myself to keep to myself as she’s definitely under age and nothing should come of this lol. she already had a cool style and was actually a girl that skated, so of course i noticed her before. though i enjoy her company and she is smart, i’m not so sure how much i like the way she talks. maybe that is the age thing? a different generation? i have to find these things out, there’s not other way i suppose. so it’s just right i do healthy try with her. we’ll see… i’m still also interested in *her*. even though i haven’t seen her for long. maybe it’s after the goth girl? maybe it’ll become organic? or maybe i’m too late and she’s with someone else? what do i know… i have this strange feeling of thinking goth girl and me won’t match sexually. that is not a thing to be taken easily. but it’s alright, again: finding out by finding out. she’s hot, i am hot (her words) so i think we’ll go off of this first. anyways, time to start the day. i also gotta pack my bag!
ouff it’s 13:30. i just woke up. though it’s no surprise, i was with the goth girl til 4am. today i won’t be taking no elvanse. i don’t wanna put my sleep tonight in jeopary. also i might see her again tonight. she is young you can tell, from talking sometimes. also didn’t want to go all out, so we let it sit at half. was still nice though. my cold is desperately annoying. i actually thought i’d go do some kicks today. but now i am too late. i’m still thinking to go… what else is there to say? uhm. not much i have to say. it would help to plan in advance some stuff. i should make food for today and tomorrow at work? the soba noodles would be lit though… yeah i might just do that. i think i might skip breakfast today? should i? i am clueless about today. my head isn’t spitting out anything. right now i would like to play some videogames. aside from that nothing really. but the stress of getting up so late is coming up. also my friend and me planned to go to a fight night, so im kinda not sure when to go. i also wanted to go to the studio, they have a 3d printer and one of my friends there wanted to show me as i said i’d like some skulls. a little training session at home wouldn’t hurt either. so i guess a good choice would be: training sesh. eat my blueberry bowl. shower, check what i need for cooking… but if i’m gone, i am gone. i won’t be making it to cook then? though if i leave at 5ish for the fight night, i still have time to cook. though i wouldn’t know when then to eat lol. wait i can take it with and eat it then. i suppose that won’t be the weirdest thing to do haha. though i must say, i can probably still go to my gym and record me doing some kicks now… it wouldn’t jeopardize the plan i suppose. just take my bowl with me? hmmm. i’m getting hot now lol. yeah it’ll be a solid 30mins, not more than i need right now. alright, i feel like, that’s the way to go. let’s pack only what i need. i’m using a new bag as my jack wolfskin backpack is just to practical for travelling that i’d desire to use it solely for training. oh i also gotta shower the 3rd and last one of the aglaoenema as it also has the little spiders now. the other too look fine now. i’ll isolate it for now. alrighty, i guess that’s everything then. ah fuck my phone is still almost dead. ugh. so annoying. i have a hard time not to count together all the various recent instances of me throwing money out. i wanna mitigate it though with some plus work in my old clinic. let’s see how that’ll work out. what else is there to say…. ehmmm. next friday it should be good to have my spector brought to the luthier. old man was in the hospital for something small. anyways. let’s bounce now.
back to being sick again. it is fucking ridiculous. how can someone have so many colds? i think i had like 5 this year, i should count it on whatsapp to be honest. i’m gonna do that now. so in 24 january, march, october, december and in 25 june, and now. well it’s not as many as i thought. this year i didn’t have too many huh. just twice. still i’m gonna get that checked out if just for my sanity sake. so that i can cross it off. training last night was horrible. i hated it. mostly because i’m sick and i guess that made me perform really bad. well. i already feel like giving in and feeling defeated and especially come to my usual coping mechanism of self-pitying. i understand that this bugs me so much, again what i planned or though i’d be doing is not happening. it’s maddening. i hate it. but i will have to stand over it and do what i can. okay, so now full blown training possible. we will survive it. let’s focus on doing what we can. so tomorrow i wanted to go to the sparring sesh. then i decided not to. but let’s go anyways and just hit the bag for a while. i should start filming myself. i also need to research how people step while doing combos, i need to sharpen my mind on the movement as it comes not too easy on me. this is not what we want to do. this is not the fun we want to have. but right now there is nothing else to be done. you can’t train hard. so make this annoying time count. i should plan my week further ahead. i can simply do this though, don’t have to be on a certain day. i can keep it fluid and just move things around. we need to plan meals and all. i hate this stress i constantly fall into and being on elvanse hasn’t so far changed anything of it. yesterday i was stopped by border patrol and had to pay 80 for my stuff. i’m just not having luck this week. given there’s worse things i just need to push through and not dwell on it. which is super hard for me. i don’t feel like writing today and my luthier guy isn’t responding either. maybe once the elvanse hits i’ll get my ass up. i have a slight headache but at this point headaches are just part of my life i guess. i think i’m just gonna start with correspondence now.
alrighty i was already browsing around everywhere on the net. checked all my socials. instead of starting to write. i realized i haven’t taken the elvanse yet. i also put on some music as all the terrorists had their morning break, spending it screaming from their lungs. i can’t imagine a worse job than dealing with little kids. especially in a school setting. ew. so! hear hear! next year I’m gonna fucking see 156 silence as well as SOAD at some point. i need to buy tickets. i’m getting “verarmungswahn” already thinking of it and me gifting 350€ to london for “enjoying” another night to take another flight. i’m still mad about but opted out for my general victim attitude to cope with it. that’s what i often revert to: victim attitude. that is my coping mechanism for many things. wow. i wished in that moment i could’ve been like my mother and just go all entitled and hard to manage on their asses. maybe i also wouldn’t be on the verge of getting sick. i’m so happy they never took out my tonsils or what else should constantly get inflamed? maybe then though it would simply manifest somewhere else? who knows. uhm at work i’ve become part of this addiction project now. like it’s kinda cool, but if i have to overtake another clients case and do it during my work hours, this will be fucking hell. like guys i’m a busy person, work life doesn’t mean that much to me. i do have other things to care about, i’m not too happy to be made busy really. right now i’m fantasizing how just having more money would be solving all my problems. but oh well, not gonna happen i guess. so later i’ll be going to work to spend the night there. i’m not too fond. also me becoming sick again is just so fucking tedious. i’m sorry body but i will not rest from sports, i really don’t fucking care you are so unable to keep my fucking tonsils/throat/nose area from getting constantly infected with something, i really don’t. either you put me in bed or i will be fucking training. FUCK YOU. also i’m going to see the goth girl on friday, so it’s a huge bummer to be sick man. but what will ya do. god it feels so nice to be at home. i had to reset and put my stuff away a long time in the evening but it was worth it. i mean would be nice to have woken up feeling not sick too. but i guess i can’t have it all. i will get the car today, though i gotta find out when my parents are returning too. maybe i should get sage leaves so i can vape them. that could help i guess. today might be a good day to set up the skateboard. i think that would be nice. i just checked my options for münchen too. could do it for 200 in total i guess. hmmm. psycho-frame live would be so sick. dying wish is a superb bonus. i should plan it. let’s start the day.
so missed the first flight in my life. i was reading and didn’t pay attention to time. last time i looked it was a simple “gates a1-19” or something. next time i look the gate is closing. i had to get a new ticket while my plane was still sitting at the airport. i fucking hate it. makes me feel like this little adhd kid again. i feel like im in the period of my life where i have to tackle my ADHD shortcomings. the world doesn’t take kindly to it. i probably need to be more of a planner person. just writing this creates a sensation in my stomach, like a turning, like my whole being doesn’t want it. but maybe it’s a source of suffering and a piece of “needing to grow up” i have to come to terms with now. so i’m sitting at the airport now with my espresso as you can’t get a regular coffee here. last morning, while i was still with the portland girl, i’ve learned they actually call regular coffee “ground coffee” here. i never thought about it really. everything else is an “americano”, watered down espresso. which i also never knew. my portland romance also taught me a new terminology i like: Y2K style. that’s the style i dislike! the way we had to look like as kids, that i just dunno, it looks unclean, mismatched. like you had to do the best out of the things you have and that didn’t include a large variety of things. anyhow. i dislike this very much. i will jump into working immediately. i won’t eat anything healthy, i won’t be able to do groceries. i do hope my new cheap sunglasses are somewhere in my bags. oh i also discovered fleshwater. i mean i knew they exist and for sure listened in into it once or twice. it didn’t hit me though. now i listened to it all. fucking beautiful. despite this romance with the portland girl i gotta say though, it seems like i have a weird way to connect with other people. like it’s all intense and what not. but it’s not docking really to me. i am wondering if all this business is just too early for me? what if i am just not like other people in that regard; though that is just a “normal” i observe, which i obviously never had any business in being in. maybe i should just be meeting women like the portland girl. she wasn’t an “object” you want to have, she was a real soul and flesh person. someone with a story, someone with a life she had to design. not a life she had to simply “navigate” because she was this model looking like girl. i think that’s what my thought of alt girls is, or subconsciously why i am so drawn to them: they aren’t those girls that since they were little the world was nice to. they had to establish themselves, they make themselves pretty by the way they dress and design themselves. they had to put in thought to their looks. they aren’t just a “puppet” that can be draped in whatever is everywhere (like the ugly y2k style). they had to become someone. i like “someones”. i of course love the beautiful girls too. but they are to look at. pretty containers for whatever projections you keep. maybe i’m not mature enough to steer clear of my own projections i put in to these “container” girls. maybe i need a woman that has to be someone and not just exist and navigate because the worlds wants so much from them. i wouldn’t want to be a woman. well i in generally aren’t too fond of existing to be honest lol. so it’s dumb anyway. despite having wasted at least 500 in funds for nothing really i think this trip was worth it. i learned. i had to make experience. i understand that most of my growth is in my little bubble and doesnt entirely carry over. i am so flawed. or at least i think. i might simply be human and just too zoomed in constantly. i need to be more organic. if you’re in situations, you will just decide. you will have to accept. if you spend too much time in your head, you get nowhere. if i’m in situations, i will decide and that will become more of my persona coming forward. i see i am still the timid shy dude. i don’t look it and i guess that’s been my goal all this time with my look. i love how i look. to the most part. i do get jealous of other peoples look or rather their style sometimes. but i also guess this is tied to me having a weird relationship to women in general. only thing that can make it normal is - big surprise - just spending more time with them. i don’t know what i want. i know i spend a lot of time with construction in my head. but if i make a habit out of spending time with women i’ll be fine. when i think about *her* which i’ve gained distance from somehow, i put so much in her, like a container. it had gotten overload. so it kinda collapsed on itself. instead i went out with goth girl. and will again next friday. all i can do is grow. in a world that pulls on your roots, leaves and branches from all sides. i am a bit afraid of getting older. what if i don’t function like before? get tired… don’t look as pretty… all we can do is experience. and i should plan experiences more. despite not liking it. it might not even be that. it might be a failsafe mechanism in need of dismantling. i think i’ll get going now. today i’ll check that table like my life depends on it. i like to think at home in switzerland all of this wouldn’t have happened to me. because it’s better organised. organised so you can mindlessly walk around and be in your head. my home is special. it’s cold. people are distant. here they seem closer. they simply use their voice for many things. but also means you need to be more in the moment. and that’s not really me.
“heimfahrt” nach london nun. heute mal auf deutsch. gute frage was ich dann damit mache, aber da mir in den sinn kommt, dass ich das ja für mich mache ist es ja eigentlich auch egal. sonst wär es ja trotzdem lustig für archiv angelegenheiten. ich sitze im zug und neben mir sitzt einer der doch tatsächlich auch einen deathcore pulli trägt, so mit kann man sagen ich bin in guter gesellschaft! dennoch schreibe ich in deutsch damit man mich nicht “verstehen” kann. ich hab tatsächlich meine turnover karten für gestern verfallen lassen… mich reut es dass ich mein “geld” verloren habe. aber ich dachte statt die zeit in einsamkeit in einer fremden stadt zu verbringen und mich dem aussetzen zu müssen, dass ich leute ansprechen sollte und vielleicht einfach noch nicht parat dafür bin das einfach so random zu machen. es fühlt sich an als wäre da einer immer tickende uhr der ich ehm entgegen rennen will? keine ahnung was ich damit will. ich bin wohl grad wieder so in einem moment von verlust. mit dem augenmerk auf dem was eben nicht geht oder ging. nicht sehr hilfreich auf alle fälle. aber nun denn, den gedanken allles aufzuklären konnte ich ja begraben - ist okay immer wieder mal blumen ans grad bringen zu gehen, oder? ich war nun also in york. mit dem alt girl dass ich getroffen habe. ich weiss nicht ihr wesen/aussehen hat mich an irgendwen aus der vergangenheit erinnert. vielleicht auch eine mischung aus gesichtern? ich denke es ist eher ein gesichtersalat. so wie war diese zeit für mich? ambivalent wie immer. es war schön, diese intensiven pärchen momente die wir hatte. sie hat es recht treffend beschrieben, mit dem sich wie ein alt pärchen zu fühlen. das war schon ziemlich cool. vom intimen her war es auch schön wobei auch hier immer alles eine zweideutige komponente für mich mitträgt… ich weiss nicht ob es am gegenüber liegt oder einfach an meiner generellen “grünohrigkeit”. ich denke zu einem gewissen grad schon. dazu muss ich schon auch erwöhnen, dass mit dem schlafdefizit dass ich hier so mit mir schleppe mich doch etwas merkwürdig fühle und meine sprachlichen fakultäten darunter etwas leiden. ich kann leider nicht ganz behaupten, dass mein innerleben sich auf reisen entfalten kann, ich bin konfrontiert mit der realität meiner chaotischen art. wenn ich nur ans essen alleine denke, dass macht meinem magen ganz schön zu schaffen. ich esse normalerweise nicht so fettig glaube ich und wahrscheinlich auch nicht so hochkonzentriert in zucker. ich fühl mich etwas komisch. dennoch, all dies hier war sehr lehrreich für mich muss ich sagen. ich habe mich so gefühlt wie damals mit celina die ich während der schulzeit verletzt habe stehen lassen aus meiner unsicherheit hinaus und dem gefühl “zugehörigkeit” erlangen zu wollen. mein leben ist eine achterbahn der gefühle. so wie jedermanns. eine tatsache zu akzeptieren und zu jonglieren mit den irrglauben die man hat, die jedoch auch als motor als motivatoren agieren. lehn dich zurück. es ist einfach so. und das ist es. fertig und aus. ich werde bloss erfahrungen machen und sammeln können. vor manchen möchte ich mich bewahren aus unterschiedlichsten gründen. manchmal werde ich an die wurzel der vermeintlichen tatsachen kommen können. und manchmal? manchmal einfach nicht. dann muss ich es stehen lassen. die dinge sind unvollendet. alles ist unvollendet. ich bin teil eines organismus, der sich entfaltet. ich bin mittendrin. somit erlebe ich diesen kurzen ausschnitt, dieses treibens. für mich ist das alles. für diesen grossen organismus womöglich nur ein kurzes zeitfenster dazwischen. wie holt man sich zurück von dem, dass einem das eigene leben so bahnbrechend wichtig erscheint? ohne den puls der anderen zu verlieren? ohne dass wirkt man wie ein alien. und so gerne ich dass hin und wieder romantisiere, muss ich schon sagen, dass ich es eigentlich nicht sonderlich gern habe… ich weiss nciht meine gefühlswelt ist schon merkwürdig, da küsse ich ein mädhcne goodbye an einer türschwelle und dann eine 3/4 stunde sitze ich in einem zug und schreibe über mich und meinen platz in allem. mir wären auch fast die tränen gekommen aber die habe ich gekonnt unterdrückt. ich dachte ich hätte mich befreit. jedoch sieht man ja anhand alldessen, dass die ketten doch sehr perfide sind und man mehrere an sich ratteln hat als man wirklich denkt. also was war diese affäre? diese kurzlebige ephemere romanze? ich weiss es nicht, aber es hat sich gut angefühlt. für mich ist es einfach so wichtig teil zu sein. teil von etwas. sehr fluide. und für ein paar tage und schlecht geschlafene nächte war ich das. mein leben hatte eine pause von seiner routine von seiner kleinen zoologischen welt. diesmal war alles ausgebrochen. ich muss sagen wenn ich nicht in meiner kleinen welt bin, kommen meine unsicherheiten wieder hoch. ich schaue rum was die anderen machen um mich nicht falsch zu verhalten. eine form von gedanken die ich wahnsinning gerne einfach löschen würde. ich kenne die normen hier nicht und dass stresst mich. andere leute inspirieren mich, sie hat mich zum beispiel inspiriert, dass wenn ich es zeitlich schaffe, mir eigentlich eine lederjacke anschaffen könnte die dann auch ziemlich unique wäre. was ich auch gelernt habe - oder zumindest wahrgenommen habe - ist wenn man sich mit einer frau trifft, die nicht universal als schönheit gilt und leute neidisch macht, man tatsächlich einfach eine gute zeit miteinander verbringen kann. das war echt, das war wohlig, das war schön. es war kein dauerstress von verstellung und hoffnung, dass gegenüber mag einen. vielleicht kann ich dieses gefühl omnipräsent kultivieren. das wäre der absolute hammer. wahrscheinlich sollte ich dafür auch immer wieder meine kleine welt verlassen. eine zusammenkunft finden zwischen all den möglichen welten. meine zusammengehörigkeit für im moment definieren und nicht für ein “morgen”. so ich denke ich lasse es nun sein mit meinem wort und bewusstseinssalat. mein training hat stark gelitten unter diesen tagen und ich werde wahrscheinlich mühe habe wieden in den groove zu kommen. aber das gehört wohl dazu...
i don’t know what to do. i could go with her to york and spend the night. would have to return tomorrow then again though. i have to check out of this hotel by 11am tomorrow then. if i go, i get to see another city, have a train ride across the country - which would be interesting - but i’d also be giving up on my Turnover tickets tonight, as well as I’ve been running over budget then too. what do i gain from staying here? it’ll be more quiet. i’d rest but also i’d be feeling a bit lost. on the other hand i was hoping this could be my budget but i knew i’d probably go over a bit. maybe there’s also the chance of getting some back if i check out earlier? which i doubt. i’m sooo tired though. travelling is so the opposite of relaxing. i’ve seen the goth girl from back home on instagram on her story and oh my she looked sooo hot. i’m really looking forward to seeing her too. in all honesty going to york would be definitely more interesting what is holding me back is that i’m wasting my Turnover tickets as well as having to go over budget. and that’s it i guess. it’s not like there’s anything here i so desperately want to see today. it wouldn’t even be so far from here really, i’d just have to take the tube a couple of stations and that’s it. i’m a bit groggy from the not sleeping and probably from interrupting my elvanse project so suddenly. but i don’t think it makes sense to get back to it right now. so i won’t be much of use from an intellectual stand point. finding a nice leather jacket is maybe the last goal i really have for my time here. if i went to walk around by myself all day i’m not so sure how much i would enjoy it. given my brain fogginess it’s probably best not having to decide to much and just be along for a ride… i’ll have to decide and get ready…
alright checking in after sleeping almost to nothing. i meet a cute alt girl yesterday over tinder and we met at this really cool bar called Saint Monday. she’s from Portland so that was a very interesting experience and man I kinda feel different about the US again. it’s not a simple as i probably always wanted to paint it. she spent the night and it was fantastic, i never had a woman soo susceptible, i enjoyed the time with her sooo much. we’ve been all day together also and it was very cute couplish like. tonight we’re gonna go to the Turnover concert and it might just be that i’ll go twice; today and tomorrow. this made me think that i really don’t have too much women experience and i enjoy it a lot. maybe i should really just date around and see. even about *her* i should elevate her to such a high position in my head and just find it out. i must say it always feels weird arriving at a new place and just understanding you’re utterly alone. you know no one, there’s nothing that spends comfort. that is crazy really. if i were to allow myself to just talk to random people that would change my whole trip experiences really. i mean i did wanted to do that on this one. but i guess i saved myself from it? there’s still tomorrow though. should we try? yes i think we should! just walk up to someone and say whatever pops up. if it’s weird, it might even be funny later. or you’ll just leave the bar and go somewhere else haha! this is a big city in the end, really shouldn’t be the end of the world. i do hope to spend time with her again tonight though, as she’ll be leaving tomorrow also. so far what can i say about my stay? i don’t know really. i’m indifferent to it? the sleeping part is awful and i’m happy i brought some diazepam. tonight i’m definitely gonna pop one and hope i sleep for like 12 hours. a drug induced sleep is better than a couple hours worth of really. eating while travelling is always bad, makes my stomach feel weird. i’m used to eating similar or same stuff always. overall it’s good we did this here really. and i haven’t even been to the concert yet. so what else do i really have to say? i’m really brain fried. my language skills are seriously in jeopardy currently - though of course it’s more than enough. i’m kinda looking forward to have the day to myself tomorrow. and knowing i’m gonna sleep out is soo good. thank god i carry pills lol.
i slept like shit. either i always do when i travel and have to get on a plane before noon. or i jinx it by thinking this way. whatever it is: i slept like shit. after laying awake in my bed for a couple of hours (i once got up stressed, went to the basement to check if i can find documents from my wise card because i couldn’t remember ever seeing a pin - smart guys, the made it so you can look it up on the app!) and decided to now just get up. my train is at 7:50 i believe so i have ample time now. my place looks like shit and this jump start maybe allows for me to make it less like shit and even put everything aside so the xiaomi can do it’s work while i’m gone. that would be actually nice as when i come back i won’t have no rest but immediately head back to early work and a full day of it too. yay. man this work is stressing me tf out. i’m considering to feed the concept and rules to chatgpt so it can be my co-pilot on this jungle of rules. the calathea is still making me fucking mad as it is hanging down like a fucking wimp. i wonder if i should fasten it’s leaves as they are folding down kinda. i’ve put it in the living room, where from now on is the light area while this area here the entrance/kitchen/dining area and my bedroom are shady places. i’ve packed for london i just gotta close the bags and put some stuff in. the seasoned traveller that i am, i of course have not thought about, that in the UK they use different power outlets, which borderline makes me mad as i actually wanna take my mac with me but i’m afraid i won’t be able to charge it. no elvanse today, as it’ll probably will irritate the fuck out of me on this little sleep and with this many things going. i’m still not sure about, i’ve been voicing some doubts these days, though i must say: i haven’t texted people back in days. it feels like i’ve been forgetting shit but i’ve been practicing and i’ve been doing sports and so on. maybe that’s how it normally is, to be at one thing only? i do like my scattered focus, it’s just that i feel like i can’t allow it now. i’ve always been having this feeling of being “on the clock” but now it’s that i’m in my prime and i don’t wanna waste it because we as civilisation still haven’t yet understood life in a better way to think it’s alright to spend so much of it at work. i still have no clue of what to do in london and i might just wander around. i was wondering if tonight i should go and see if there’s some comedy? could be nice. i hope happy cow will be of usual service and i will find nice spots to eat and hopefully cafe’s that have a cozy vibe. saturday and sunday evening are at least covered so there’s that. i hope i won’t feel to lonesome and isolated roaming around… it would be a really great chance to work on my social initiation skills. it’s far away from home, my rejection fears really wouldn’t make too much of a sense. man it’s cold. probably also because i slept so little. i haven’t thought much about her recently and i don’t know if i should count that as a sign… a sign that i don’t need someone? i don’t know, it’s hard to say. maybe i’ve gotten just so used to being by my lonesome again? maybe it’s some sort of resignation rather? i was thinking about it yesterday as well and i remember that i was like the effects of being my myself are easier to be mitigated than being with someone? or it’s easier to plan? or maybe all of that is shit and makes no sense. maybe i just don’t have the time for it? well what if a person is kind of the same about enjoying someones company but has a lot to do on their own? it could fit. so it’s dangerous to close these things shut like this. it’s alright to have these thoughts passing but we really don’t know. i’ve been thinking about my job and maybe i will have to step back from it someday in a not so far away future. i’d enjoy working without the hassle of communication with all these outside agencies and writing all these things i have to write. i don’t really care about them, i mean i use ai heavily for it. i don’t even wanna waste my processing energy because what for? i have other goals, i don’t mind working, i just mind it transcending so much.
oh what a day yesterday. the elvanse had me confused and kinda nervous. i couldn’t remember when my doctors appointment was and went there twice. i’m pretty sure she had it mixed up but i was also like 5mins late. in the end i was late for work. but my dear colleagues didn’t mind. today is my last workday and then in the evening i’ll have to pack and get everything ready for my london trip. i’m not really prepared and don’t know where to be when. i guess i’ll just wake up very early and see it from there. it’s a classic for a trip of me, to be tired so. starting work at 11:45 is also far from ideal but guess we’ll have to make it work now. i have laundry littered around the place. my new plants came, my calathea is hanging down and annoying the fuck out of me, so i decided she’s gonna have to live in the living room. at least the aglaonema share my traits and actually don’t mind the darker corners. they all look very cute my new plants. i wonder if i should give them all some water before i leave because my order from feey said not to until they say so. well the thing is, that i won’t be here for days. i also have to come up with something where to let the water be as the plants hate the hard swiss water. probably gonna put something in the basement. i’ll have to make room for a plant day and that i check on them every once in a while. it’s cool to know that the aglaonema won’t mind being in not a sunny environment, makes me get my hopes up for some of them in my bedroom too! that would be so cool! anyways, what is in store today? i should do a little exercise thing, the laundry is best to leave until tonight. i have to make my salad so i don’t have to eat shit at work. breakfast. showering. bass lesson. make room for the robot… which will work great the laundry stuff; okay then we will do it before we leave for London. man i just had vacation but i already long for less stress. yeah but remember it’s this september that’s stressful like that. and that’s why we try the elvanse again. i had a funny thought, that i might be doing it as to not be “sober” as i’m not doing any weed currently. who knows. i’m stressed out by not being in the position to open my windows when i want to. the construction work on the 3 houses here, the fucking kids screaming from both sides and my downstairs neighbours being unmindful assholes with their fucking all night smoking. I’m gonna become a member of the union of eh renters? And maybe they’ll be able to mitigate my situation a bit. Just tinsie tiny bit of something would make me chill with this I like to believe. Okay now I have a good hour left before I have to leave and a huge number of things to do before.
today doing my writing in the bus. i returned the car and now i gotta hustle home, leave my key, do my laundry. leave the house to see the doctor for a new prescription of elvanse, head home, make my salad, leave for work. i love it. i’m too hot in the bus with my parka on now contributing to me being pissed even more. i also have that “breakfast” thing our secretary said in my thought loop, which makes me pissed. my general mood is pissed right now. i fucking hate society. having to do everything in this stress is just fucking annoying. my good old dream of revenge on society prevails. which of course isn’t some dumb shit like an attack. i just wanna be free of this shit and i also wanna stand above it. i wanna be able to show dominance and especially it has to be in my way, which is being able to show absolute offensive autonomous disinterest while prospering. my job is a huge step forward and i wish i could see it as this big W to be enormously happy about. but i’m not, i immediately jump to the thought of creating even more ideal circumstances. ive been thinking that i will keep it like this for a couple of years, like maybe 2 and then make it a more flexible job. i will lose some stuff doing it that way in means of benefits. it’s just so fucking hard to juggle all this stuff: being a bass student. a student of music in general. the muay thai and fitness. then i have the apartment situation where having to accomodate myself to the needs (especially the addiction) of others makes me furious. it is uneven. i fucking hate uneven. i’m not sure elvanse helps me in terms of organisation. i forget tons of shit. yesterday i forgot to take the shopping bags with me that i prepared. i lose a lot of my ability to structure. it keeps me moving though. it’s like an anti-depressant for me. well it’s a stimulant. i think the problem is that the stuff that i don’t care about aren’t getting better. which is my job for example. deeply intrinsic i do not care for it. the elvanse seems to shift my focus to what i really want and enhances the will to do it - it appears. but also i tell myself i gotta keep it up a bit so my body get’s used to it. i wanna use all the tools i have. weed is a tool. elvanse is a tool. i have to build. whatever helps me build is welcome. it seems to be impossible for me to accept and live with a low standard. i want more. i always want more. i don’t dumb shit, i want specific things for my needs. do i believe i can reach a plateau and from there on just take care of things? i think that is possible yeah. do i believe i can become this person i always strive to be, this big persona? this kind of icon? i’m not sure. i understand the bar is high. just stuff like watching movies the last two nights might be problematic for all these goals. maybe my aggression is also fired up by the absence of weed and elvanse coming back in. my place is a mess. my thoughts are a mess. thank god there is psycho-frame to be the soundtrack for all of this. walking back home i wondered if elvanse would make me mosh harder… i really gotta check that i can attend that concert. it’s gonna cost money again. but it’s a sacrifice one has to make. i’m not sure i’ll become old one day. i might just burn out like a star - as i’ve often romanticised it. did camus see himself dying? maybe he didn’t care and all of a sudden *crash* and it was done. whatever the situation, when i’m actually in it and not just mentally understanding it but actually all senses tuned in, then i just do. once it’s time to go, i’ll just go. any more thoughts aren’t really gonna help it too much. when i look at these past days, a woman wouldn’t have fit in here at all. might be that’s due to the circumstances and they would change in that instance… but who knows. i’m just fucking stressed. i want relief. on the other hand it’s just that this month is busy. i push through september and october is almost entirely off. in october i’ll be able to do a lot. i always say this “when we reach that…” but at least it’s a mental escape for now. i have no fucking clue what to do with myself in london nor how to move around in that city. actually if i were just so free to fucking talk to people, that would help, as i’m interested in people and not things. the fuck do i care about some random fucking castle. especially right now i just do not care about it. i need to be in the moment and existing is mostly in between two people. i should by a fucking dressing as i did not plan in advance. furious. i am fucking furious. i wanna blame everyone and me but it’s not helpful. let’s just keep pushing.
the slight headache thing is going on despite head trembles from sparring. so it’s not as i have thought that it is blows to the head that make me have this head ache. is it my mothers migraine finally developed in my brain? i don’t remember but i think i asked her recently and she said it developed in her adult years. they both flown to portugal, currently i keep the car. today i’m gonna go groceries shopping in my hometown in a bigger style. gotta up my game a bit. man i really should get to washing the laundry in my basement so that place isn’t so filled. also i still have to put some stuff in the attic. my brasilian training partner/almost coach brought a good point up: i could actually put a punching bag in my basement. i really need to have sitdown with my neighbours sometime. maybe the darker seasons is better for it as people are at home mostly anyways. i also have to see what it’ll be like when it’s winter regarding my work lifestyle. will i go by bike mostly? taking public transport is gonna be a bit annoying? though you know what from that one bus stop a couple mins away from here it’s actually quite close? hmm i gotta check that out. yep that is a good idea. though i’m afraid it changes not too much. i was texting back and forth with the goth girl and well texting back and forth is not my favorite pastime, i was more hoping maybe she would come with me to london. but guess that’s not gonna happen. i gotta prepare myself these days and see through the details of my journey, as i currently have not a clue about anything. at least i got the travel permit, which i totally forgot but my work colleague brought up when we discussed some stuff about london as he’s soon going with his family. stuff like that always makes me wonder about my organisational… skills? i do have some of those… my attitude towards organisation? for me it’s a passing thing. it’s not like i will be doing it too far in advance. some stuff to be done is good. rest doesn’t need to be too far in advance. it’s also like a rite of preparation then for me. like i’m mentally getting more into the groove of leaving. i was just considering, that i could be doing my bass lessons also without the bass. it’s not like it’s super hard lessons as of now and there’s been research that you can develop serious skills away from your instrument (in the research it was basketball players without a ball) so yeah maybe do that instead of totally nothing. we’ll see. i was considering getting tinder for that weekend and maybe just trying out talking randomly to women to become more secure in stuff like that. i really have a hard time “failiing” at it; saying nothing smart, not knowing what to say… being rejected? all of which really isn’t the world. i know and have come to the conclusion a couple of times, that it is actually not gonna kill me. i think none of these mentioned things is really the problem. it’s the anticipation. i really have a hard time when i think about the anticipation of things. in the social setting, in that social moment of talking to someone, i have not too much of a problem really. it is that anticipation. that _knowing_ that i will now do this. i always have to think about presentations, where people after always come to me like “man you’re so chill always”, like dude i’m not. but knowing i don’t look it, helps - or at least i should be using it to mentally prep myself. i hope we can pick up the task and not be rationalising all the scenarios and immobilizing ourselves hence sabotaging ourselves with our intellect. using my mental abilities against myself. classic AI move. okay i’m gonna start the day now, prep my breakfast, do some mobility, do some bass lessons and then head out.
logging after a work night spent. today i started to get back on elvanse. i can see myself doing more stuff and being more alert. at work i felt a bit weird though, being a bit how to say - confused? my speech was a bit impacted. i’m a bit hurried. but this time i’ll take it everyday and see how that will impact it overall. my goal is to stabilize everything and then maybe get off of it? we will see. funny how we have done this kinda same’ish in the past; get off weed, start elvanse. well we’ve grown everytime and last time i skated and desired to be come an underground god through rap and writing i guess. this time is different. i wanna fight, i wanna be fit. also i wanna be solid band member and a growing bassist. maybe even a boyfriend? though my old line of thinking “i’m alone a lot maybe i’ll just have to meet up with women?” is back. my tattoo friend isn’t really invested and i realize much of it has been through my doing. back then i would’ve probably plateaued and called it a day. but this time it’s different, people are free. not everyone is dreaming of the mode of “hanging” out like adolescents probably only can do. if only counting this country for sure. i always have grand ideas of creating third spaces but yeah they’re fantasies helping me to cool those desires i guess. i’m not entirely happy with my work performance today as i have this urge to leave things “clean” - but it’s impossible. either to me especially or just in general. though i’m probably hard on myself just in general. well one of my bosses is rather happy with me, so i guess it’s my high standard. our secretary told me she dislikes me eating my breakfast during our meetings. that enraged me quite a bit. dumb bitch leaves the fucking door to the office open where all our belongings are. that is a fucking security issue. but pissing me off about some performative order shit, fucking form aesthetics. some people man. go work in a fucking office if you love that shit. i ain’t got time nor desire for stuff like that. anyways. i’m a bit saddened the calathea isn’t really thriving in here. i even repotted her but she is hanging around… maybe she needs an even bigger pot? who the fuck knows; i even googled and actually it should be alright where she sits. maybe it’s too try… maybe i should let the humidifier run more often… well we will see. i’ll just have to try. some plants will have to be able to survive or better yet thrive in my apartment. i fucking want them in here. uhm i have to cook once more for tomorrow and tonight. i also wanna do some bass lessons. i also gotta get to my parents apartment to do some stuff and then i’ll also have to pick up my buddy for training. i think timewise it’ll work just fine…
i only have a very very mild headache going (that’s a plus). yesterday i went out with the goth girl and it was nice, good conversations which i obviously care a lot about. in the end i suggested we go home and for some reason i only made the vaguest possible hints to go to my place. instead of making it flat out. though let’s not dwell on this like in the past in the sense of ruminating about something that happened. for some reason i always have to obscurely present my desires. just ask: want me to take you home or you wanna hang out at my place a little bit and then i bring you home? easy. nothing to it really. in the end i think it wasn’t even wrong. i was tired and man either it’s these new magnesium capsules or my gut isn’t liking what i’m putting into it (did have a yfood shake yesterday sooo). my dumb ass realized that my bank account looked so good because for some reason my rent get’s pulled by the 1st of the month. which is exactly what i do not want as it makes me believe i have more money than i actually have. which is now the case. i was hoping to see 2 but nope it’s a 1 that starts my bank account. great. i also gotta go to london next week. i’ll probably have to withdraw some cash from my other account. also i have to put some pounds into my wise account for london. i shouldn’t wait too long with that. i’ve seen there’s a show in my time in london, so i’ll go check it out. it’s a day before the Turnover concert. i’m afraid i won’t be able to pay my taxes in advance. but i guess it’s fine. i’m settling more and more into the thought of getting my old pool “job” back so that in my 6 weeks of vacation time next year, i can sprinkle a days worth of work here and there. maybe i should do the joker job thing again? though i won’t be doing that during my regular work days, so not sure how much it’s needed really. but yeah it appears i’ll have to get a little extra cash in. tattoos, instruments, concerts and furniture is not gonna pay itself. i’m currently also active in the band chat. man i’m not actively doing nothing for our band. no one is really. sucks a bit. how to juggle all this shit. though i also gotta say i’m just recently off the weed so i take it more energy is coming. it is so much things to juggle man. seriously. i feel a bit off. like i can’t reach anything really. i can’t get in muay thai. i will never be a nak muay i’m afraid, just a little hobbyist. i will never be a really good bass player… though man all of this shit is not true. i will never be a pro fighter: yes that is true. i can be a serious student. i have all life to learn bass guitar. my work is draining me, but in all seriousness: the psychiatry was eating my fucking soul. this job is not. though i must write about this one situation yesterday: we were watching fast and the furious tokyo drift yesterday. i was sitting in the middle between the two new kids. now i haven’t read their files yet i just know that they’re both in our institution because of sexual offences. and if i’m not mistaking this one kid was doing that stuff with little kids. so we’re watching the movie and they’re chiming in into the whole whistling and exclaiming when there are scenes with girls presented in short clothes and stuff. that is hella weird. i felt a tad bit disgusted even. it was more of an intellectual thing though, as i had to imagine it a bit as i could not see one of them actually doing something like that. but it’s the common thing of being in a place like mine: it’s an artificial setting, you live in that and don’t get realistic feedback of how they function outside. - i’m all over the place; did i pay 40 fucking bucks for 4l of beers yesterday? ridiculous. no wonder switzerland has no third spaces, swallows half of a work hours pay to sit and drink a beer damnit. i’m gonna start my day now, i have to eat, cut my hair finally, shower and cook.
soooo. i have not even 2 hours to change the parking clock, cut my hair, shave, and cook. hmm might be a bit too tight timewise. i’m playing with the thought of dropping the cooking for tomorrow. i could take a shake with and a food drink. mhm. cook tomorrow morning. though i’m not sure… yes no hair cutting and shaving, we would have more time because of that. true. alright let’s do it that way. shaving takes priority as i’ve actually texted the goth chick yesterday; i wanted to see her that evening but she had plans and asked for tonight after work. well let’s see what that means! either i’ll meet her by her lonesome or i’ll walk into a little group of 20 year old girls. i dunno why it feels so wrong. i mean they’re 20 year olds. not 16 olds. i am almost 12 years older, yes i understand. it’s not like i’m preying on anyone too. man i’m all over the place again: i just remembered the coupon for the flower shop is running out soon so i put in an order for 4 plants at 100chf. i repotted the calathea yesterday too, i haven’t seen much difference in it too be honest but let’s see how it’ll work out! i don’t even know yet where to put the plants, but in my bedroom would also be nice. i want to have them all over really. okay so today i’m working all day, same as tomorrow - even til Monday. my fucking legs are fucked. it’s like their covered in concrete, very unflexible. coach fucked us up pretty good with his leg training again. so it’s been a couple of days since i was smoking and man i already feel better. more alert. slept better today especially. i woke up once at 7:30 and then slept some more until 9:30. though i must say: the loneliness starts to hit again man. i watched a very cute french movie with Audrey Tautou last night and that was heart warming man. but afterwards i went for a short drive through the city and to fill up the gastank. i’m jumping around doing stuff as i only have max 1h left. sheeit. i won’t be able to eat at home nor brush my teeth here. i really wonder how we have to structure our worklives like this. not sure what we earn from it (probably nothing as the “leaders” are usually people who “learned” to sacrifice all their lives to this ethos; or they never had much to live for to begin with). i’ve gotten soy flakes from my brother in law, that my sister stored for many years it appears. they all smell kinda rancid. i guess i’ll try for this one time but i think i can toss all 5 bags actually. ah mean i don’t think i will be cutting my hair today, or else i’ll be in a fucking rush. man fuck this shit. and i’ll be working constantly until i leave for london. for others that’s a break for me it’s not as i am far removed from all the things i wanna spend time with. great stuff man. so i’ll be having rancid flakes for breakfast, a hurry-up shower, dry laundring hanging in my kitchen and a salad that’s coming slowly to it’s end of eatability simply because a time window is closing. i really hate society from the bottom of my heart. at least i finished painting the skate deck. the skulls i put on aren’t too bad. some look dumb some look actually cool & funky. alright guess i’ll have to start the day running so i can sit down sweaty at work and wait for the day to pass. oh yeah: i gotta write my reports too. great! i also have to try out the AI from work and shouldn’t be using chatgpt. i’m fucking pissed man. though i woke up in good spirits. too bad i slept so long, but i know my body wanted and needed it so it’s alright. so let’s get to running.
wow i actually slept good after training. i don’t even remember how long i was awake… but it wasn’t too long i’d say. with gpt i was talking about post-workout routines and it helped me to better some things out, so yesterday after training i was eating dates and on my way in the car i was eating a banana, drinking a whey shake. afterwards i’ve eaten a big salad bowl. i did some magnesium too, as i already got the one i’ve ordered as gpt cleared up, that the fizzy tablets i was using weren’t really that good for my goals. so yeah i’m all good on that front. i was thinking to ask if i can come in a little bit later on saturday so i can go train, i should really be kicking the bag now. though i think it won’t be possible… maybe i can ask the owner if i can go in earlier by myself… which i think is a reach and i don’t feel comfortable with. i was knocked out at training yesterday, by getting a knee to the liver. damn, that fucking put’s you out man, that is fucking tough. this young albanian kid is very gentle in all but we went for hard sparring and let me tell you the boy is fucking dangerous! what a menace! such control, such elegance. incredible. and me? i forgot how to switch kick again. great! i need to check if i can get a bag so i can put it at my parents house. i feel inspired currently. i think taking out the weed is paving the way for it. even if we’re not much in as of now. uhm, so planning will have to be done today. a couple of things need to be done today. i’ll have to sit down later and come up with something. i also have to go charge moms car, as their landlords take their sweet time to fix the charging stations. at least it’s not too far off where i gotta go. as of yet. since my sister and brother in law live close by. still. won’t be forever that way. anyways. i really wanna do some mobility stuff this morning, just to develop some habit. currently i’m not doing much to my place, as i’m stuck with individual tasks; and that is fine. it’s not like i’m in need to do so. oh man, today i’ll have to cook a great deal or else i’m gonna be eating shit for a good while. gonna be at work all weekend until monday man. tough stuff. i was thinking to go to this exhibition tonight, but i gotta say, since i found out, that she is currently away on a guest spot, my drive to do so is rather lessened a good bit. - i’d still like to go out tonight man, have a couple of beers… i was thinking to hit up the young fellas. but i’m not sure. i think it’s weird if i’m always round younger kids. i’m 10 years older almost always. i don’t know. i am also thinking that this young goth chick would be actually a really good match for me as she is an athlete. dark and sporty. that is dope. but on the other hand, she is not beautiful. she’s not ugly either. definitely attractive. but i like to go for someone i really… though my ex wasn’t beautiful either. my first ex was a beauty no doubt. crazy as fuck but beautiful. i don’t know how to ask *her* out. i don’t wanna creep nor lurk. i do wanna ask her. my mind is wondering though: is it really making sense? would it be a fit? the goth chick is a fit… and actually goth chick is just a couple years younger. though that’s not really important man, it’s not like i’m preying on young girls. i’m just around and happen in to people. that’s that really. i actually desire to smell the flowers, i’d like to get some time with goth chick. is it really bad that way? like i’m with her and then maybe i’ll date *her* seriously? i don’t mean to harm the other girl, i’m really interested in her too but more in a sensual way of things. i wanna spend time with her body and also her mind. i don’t see myself holding hands with her and stuff though. tough. well, i slowly gotta go and repark the car before i get a fine (if i didn’t already get a fine). oh man btw the gym-owner kid told me yesterday that i’m good at fighting, it’s just that we gotta work on my combinations because apparently i do a lot of 1-2s only. he told me to approach him for pads, as he won’t do it. so i’m not so sure, my training-buddy who already switched gyms was rather feeling let down by him because he didn’t come to him for stuff like that and so on. so that’s why i am biased but i’m still not so sure if i should leave my home-gym. though leaving wasn’t our ultimate goal anyways. we wanna go to more different gyms and take full advantage of it all. don’t feel bad, you’re stilly flying the colors and all; when i fight, i will do so under it’s banner. one can think of the owner/coach what one wants to: without him i would not be doing Muay Thai. he made it happen. i will honor that without selling my soul. alrighty time to start the day, it just started to pour ready for me to go outside. great.
back home after a stressful morning at work. these fucking kids man. no breaks, just straight up shooting from the moment i get up. no respect at all, that’s what immediately struck them last night after trying to make them understand the process and how it’s different if i get random substitutes instead of colleagues filling in. i really have to chill with stuff like that as it makes no sense to them at all what i am saying. i shouldn’t be putting anything on them. it’s not me to blame either - it’s just in need of clever workaround. so let’s not make ourselves depended on someone ability to empathise. pre-structure is the key. i’m fucking tired man. i hate always going to train tired as fuck. also my foot hurts and my knee from sparring the newb. one of the dudes is right: there’s no reason to throw much of anything against newbs. maybe i have to ego-check myself. probably felt so bad because i sucked so hart that i just wanted to dominate a bit? which is bad of course. i think we can even it out with some more planning. which is the idea. i already got the magnets so we can start this sometime… though i’m working like a bitch the next days. well guess we’re not smoking so we will have to actually entertain ourself with some stuff. my new bass has arrived! what a beauty. feels great. seems also like it’s setup already? i’ll still bring it to the luthier for a solid restringing with the thicker strings soon. i also just calmed my mind, that i should have bought the 5 string instead because of the slight length difference. but gpt calmed me and i’m alright now. anyways so i have some shit to be done. i don’t feel like doing much tbh though. i have some laundry. i have some cleaning up or sorting to do. doing bassbuzz lessons would also make sense. i could actually use the Spector. mmh. i also needa take a look what to feed myself tonight. i have some stuff for salad too. maybe i should get some groceries. a shit now i remember what i wanted at the wholesale store: clif bars. well at least i didn’t go in the end. ah man i also have to repot the calathea. should i order the feey plants now? maybe. the coupon is gonna run out and it would be nice to have some more plants man. i’ve seen *her* yesterday at the studio too, if just for a short moment. we had some interaction, even if not much. maybe i’ll got to that exhibition tomorrow. maybe she’ll be there? maybe. it’s kinda weird though to just go by myself. or does it? i mean i do many things by my own. well guess we see it tomorrow how we feel. today we’ll try to meditate after getting home from training. maybe that’ll help with sleeping? maybe also helpful will be to not blast one of those nocco drinks. gonna do matcha today. let’s see where it’ll go. oh man my boss told me that i actually have 6 weeks of vacation after my 3 weeks in january. damn! i work like a bitch, but i guess i also get my well deserved rest then. i really don’t feel too well. though i must say, i was worse off during my psychiatry days a year ago. sleep is way better. and not to mention how much more freedom is in me since leaving my ex over a year ago. i really just need to sort things out i’d say! alright let’s start the second half of the day.
ugh man, i slept so fucking terrible. i didn’t remember how it was sleeping after training without smoking. it’s a fucking struggle. i couldn’t fall asleep until like 3am. and lucky me i woke up at 8am something. great basis to start my long ass day. i can’t but not be annoyed, negative and pissed man. this is fucking shit. dumb fucking shit. either i have to try out melatonin and hope that will help after training, or i will have to actually vape some weed after training, because i don’t remember having any troubles at all the last half year doing cannabis. i’m not entirely sure if it’s addiction brain speaking and trying to rationalise but i’ll definitely try it first with melatonin as we are not aborting the month of not smoking. to be fair it was my first night given i allowed myself a toke on the 1st. training was trash. i hated trying to not use my right leg because of the tattoo. then it was too many people too. wait now i remember how i started and my parents apartment thinking about how it’ll be nice to smoke some weed after and thinking it was a smart idea… but it’s hazy i don’t remember it too good. back 2 training: i tried with one of the fellas that started quite a bit after me to use our elbows. man i was gassed out (is it due to me not eating my pasta as per usual? a nutritional issue? or the little sleep?). and with elbows it’s an entirely different story then. though let’s not only dwell on the negative: my knees are pretty fucking good man. if i get someone in a clinch and knee them, it might be over quick. i also felt a bit that my kicking and turning gotten better. but aside from that i wasn’t happy. also my elbow pads are tight as fuck, bugged me sooo much. i’ll have to put them on every time now so they hopefully loosen up neatly. great next week work is barring me from training aside from one day. i could go on monday and on tuesday? that might be an idea. i’m also in my fantasies about setting up my rig at a saturday morning and fucking wake and shake up the whole neighbourhood on 8am on the dot. just to terrorize them all a bit too with constant noises. i was so happy about this apartment man but i take it we won’t actually live here until we die as i defo will not live my life knowing the little kids in my neighbourhood by the degree of screechiness their screaming has. yup today i am fucking livid. hopefully my bass will arrive today and it will be in superb condition. that would be fucking amazing. even if i gotta wait until my strings arrive and then i’ll have to see about going to the luthier. i think it won’t make sense before my london trip. about which one i’m not too happy currently to be honest. i really don’t know what to do in a foreign country much. but anyways. wait maybe we’ll check out a gym over there? maybe. i really dislike researching places. i have to return the car, also should get some soil for the plants. i’m also contemplating if i should order from feey for a couple more plants. i’m slowly starting to feel boxed in financially as i’ve been spending quite some money and actually have to spend way more given my membership is running out and i will have to get stamp cards from all gyms. i don’t remember when was the last time i had a pissed off morning like this one… is it because it’s “normal” or is it because it’s… well it’s not just from the not smoking, i think we still got pissed under cannabis, it’s just that we got pissed by being stressed about things due to consumption, like timewise and motivation. now we’re just drained. i’m not sure i got anything smart to write here as of now. i’ll proceed to gpt and answering my friends.
tuesdays. every second tuesday. i hate them. it’s not like i have to be there at 7am. 8am is plenty early enough though. especially when you were there the night before. so for today not much is going on. yesterday i locked the weed and realized it’s just possible for a bit more than 9days. it’s alright, i think i’ll be sturdy enough to just lock it again then. i did however allow myself a little toke yesterday. might’ve been like 0.1g. which was the rest in the grinder. oh i also started working again yesterday. i have two new kids who appear seemingly on the rape-spectrum. i should really read my clients background. i just don’t have much time for it. now i’m a bit mad towards my boss for not making that happen as we discussed once. though i was the only one to really care about it. and my other a bit older co-worker. today i’ll go past the tattoo studio. i hope she’s there… ouff now i get nervous. but yeah still, i hope she is there. i just have a couple of minutes and then i have to leave. they already started “lightly” hammering away in the neighbourhood rendering me always wanting to do an IG video of me sitting here in the morning describing the lovely mornings of my nieghbourhoud accompanied by various harmonious saw and hammering noises. - i had to quit and leave for work. now i’m back home if just for a short while: i gotta bridge two hours at work as no one would be there. the downside of my small-family job. but it’s alright, could’ve been worse, like me filling in for the night - before having the night tomorrow. i’m still not in work mode and man i dread organizing some of the stuff i’ll have to. but it’s alright, it’s alright. now i’m gonna make the quinoa bowl so i have that for tomorrow as well as tonight after training. i’m heading back to training today. i’ll do southpaw all night. and don’t you switch man! don’t you fucking switch. don’t fuck up that tattoo as well as it’ll be beneficial to do just southpaw. i also thought of starting to plan my training sessions in advance. as it seems i’ll have to do that for continuitys sake. it’ll be cool though! i can enjoy going everywhere. really connect it man, like going to the hometown for groceries and fam and connect it with training. you’ll be a beast if you do it that way man. so i also went to the tattoo-studio for an ambiguous thing of bringing one of my tattoo friends pharmacy grade stuff as well as putting myself in the possible position of asking *her* out. well she was busy doing a stencil on some dude, so she didn’t really even register me. lil me is a little bit hurt by this - but also it’s dumb really: she was working man. it’s not like she just didn’t give a fuck. i was talking to my friend mostly about weed and also about my break. he said he’s also gonna do a break after he is done with his exhibition. he was very happy about the weed though! and i’m gonna go to his exhibition on Friday too. i hope she is gonna go too… though i think i remember her IG story of being away that time… hmm. it’s weird with these things currently, as i cannot really distinguish between if i’m doing it for the guys or for her… is it possible to do both? probably yes? maybe no… i don’t know man. i hate that i have to make this out with myself really. i hear a thought telling me to prepare for plan b, that i am not her type, that it’s even childish to think she would be… i wish we wouldn’t do it that way. i think i’ll have to keep myself in position and take the chance when it comes. don’t get too nervous, don’t get too heated up and don’t overthink. she is the only one who can end this. i can bury it by myself. but i’d rather bury dead than living. the last will haunt me. so you know what to do. and be patient. nothing else we can do. you can start cooking now, that’s what you can do.
there it is - the 1st of September. Day one of not smoking cannabis. yesterday it felt appropriate to smoke instead of vape and yeah that definitely does have more effect. probably really need to have stronger weed for the vape. for joints having 15-17% thc is a sweet spot though. i ordered a pizza to celebrate it as well as the last day of my vacation days really. in the end i ate too much, my stomach hurt and i didn’t feel like moving so i slept on the couch as it actually hurt. of course i didn’t sleep to well as i had my clothes on was too hot, then the door slammed because of the air draft - duh. but i guess it’s alright, then i’ll be tired hopefully in the evening and can go early to bed. though given that i do not smoke i’ll probably not stay up that late anyways? i was wondering about this sometimes: was i up very late before i smoked daily? i don’t remember but i think i went to bed around 1am or so. so that’s different. i guess we’ll find it out. i’m trying to cool about her too, like she’s gonna have some dates abroad and maybe i won’t be bumping into her at the studio. i want to do it lowkey really. though i must admit i’m a bit afraid that someone else might hit her up, she is pretty, seems smart and talented. i just hope and pray it’ll work out. i also had the thought of: “what if she doesn’t want to?”. i dunno man seems highly unlikely that we won’t meet each other for a couple of times at least. i mean maybe chemistry will be off; nothing happening. then it will be like that. it really will be like, i’m there, she’s there and there’s a good moment: then i’ll ask. oh man i’m tired. the lovely sound of a saw in the back doesn’t help it really. it’s really cold today man. dark too. i still gotta return the car. i’m listening to some Amy right now. i need to keep my word and later make a music library for work. i also need to buy some groceries for this week. that means i needa plan what to eat. the next weeks will be tight. i also have to plan my london trip to some degree. at least transfer some money to my wise account. i wonder if mornings like these will stop for a while now, these hazy mornings where my stomach feels just weird. i think they might! i also do not know if i’ll be able to return to training this week… this tattoo healed up so fast in the beginning but now? the scabs don’t seem to just fall off… ugh. yeah tonight i’ll be glad this feeling now is in the past. it won’t be fun to start work life. it’ll be like riding a bicycle though. i just know. i also got some new random acne bumps. one is even on my butt cheek. so annoying, please let me be dear skin. though i haven’t showered in 2 days now as i was simply too lazy. i mean i really don’t feel like doing shit currently. maybe some bass practice will help put me back on the map. i also wondered about how to do it with the strings for the new bass. should i just order some to be able to bring to the luthier? yeah i think that makes most sense, driving twice would be ass. guess i gotta check how to order directly from pyramid strings huh? Okay done, I’ve posted on reddit. Let’s see what that yields or if I maybe have to try talkbass instead. Let’s take a look at the week shall we? So I’ve ordered magnets to start organise myself weekly. I will have to take care of groceries, cooking, new recipes, training and so on. i’m a bit excited about it to be honest! i’m actually also excited to get “sober”. Right now I feel excited as well as “ugh” kinda lazy. But I take it with sport and my brains receptors cooled down from the weed smoking it’ll be alright. - alright in the meantime i’ve escorted the spider i’ve trapped in a glass outside, brought out the compost, posted on reddit about strings and sent a mail to Pyramid strings. let’s see what happens. let’s start this day man
ah man, what an evening/night. so i had this work dinner thing as i skipped the “fun part” of being in some eh dunno how to call it, playground? lasertag, go cart and such things. i picked up the car, then my sister and we went there being half an hour early. which was nice as we got to catch up. i was contemplating to go to this eh anarchist house (?) in my city. it has a long standing culture, people been living there not paying anything since apparently ever. i was curious how such a thing might look like and so i went. i texted this kid from a band we’re friends with to see if he’s there so that i wouldn’t be feeling too lost. i wasn’t so sure to go in but just did it then. i spotted his girl and him not so soon after. we chatted and catched up and so on. me idiot forgot to pull out my money from the atm and then it got pulled in… great now i gotta handle that shit. hope i get my 100 back for fucks sake. there was also that goth chick i’ve seen around and she’s not the prettiest but still attractive. i think she tried to play it cool on me but i just went like “hey i know” you hugged her and let that thaw real quick. it’s crazy man, how i spend so much time thinking about how weird and alienated i am and if i am okay and stuff; if i’m actually attractive/interesting and so on and then i go out and realize: yes i am. then i get this surge almost rendering me a bit arrogant. it’s classic me: lock myself inside for days and days —> feel alienated. think i’m out of place, go somewhere and nope it’s just what i made up, it’s not entirely true. great! conversations with her and my friend were actually pretty nice. i have more of a carnal desire of her really, it’s a selfish thing, i don’t think i care about her at all: i can see myself undressing her. that’s it. but i can also have convos with her. so that’s key for me even if it’s not serious. but again this coincides with my actual crush that i can see long term scenarios with. i’m afraid the goth chick also doesn’t hit me desire for beauty, which might be superficial but my mans: ignoring that is cruel. i have to go all in or leave it. at least i can see this as a plan b, in the sense… wait it’s not even plan b i’ve been for many years thought my beginning thirties (34 was always the number i’ve seen) would be my most sexually active. in the sense that i just love the female body and i love touching them. it’s all about the feedback really, i want to see, hear and feel pleasure. they are the medium for it though; i am easy to be driven to my climax. though it’s not even entirely true: yes i can be made to cum fairly easy. but that’s just ejaculation. really to ecstasy, it takes more. oh the goth girl i was with almost a year ago now, she did that really good. though it wasn’t as sensitive and touchy as i wish… the vibes were on point though. there are a couple scenarios of moving forward actually. though i just get too distanced from “plan b” and then the cycle of alienation and with it the rumination begins again. i just don’t get into the “game” really. i mean difference is also, that i do not wish for the classical scenarios of hooking up. i always desired to have relationships. okay it’s good to reflect but really we find only out by finding out. another thing about last night is that i met *her* roommate there too, right in the beginning. maybe she was drunk but i remembered she used to be more excited about me. after all i do am a weird character - albeit being quite handsome. at least she was aware that i was with her roommate on a busride home recently. i wanna point this out to myself as a positive sign though i can’t really distinguish it from a neutral sign also. at my work dinner one of my colleagues told a story about how he met his wife on the train. so cute! he was working up the courage for weeks while seeing her on the train. one day after he got out of the train he just approached the window and they exchanged numbers. and here i am a quite handsome guy overthinking because i’m afraid of rejection. in a weird fashion also: i don’t remember the last time in my life i was rejected. i seriously can’t think of anything. of course there was this job i applied for once; but that’s not close to heart. why the fuck am i so scared of rejection? why am i so scared of taking a chance?! man i wish i could ask my PA that. maybe i should write him an email lol. no seriously: what the fuck are we so afraid of? i’m afraid what the people around the situation of me asking will do, think (that’s rather dumb as i won’t be able to tune into it, in that situation, and thereby should be neglected due to insignificance). so we have the environmental factors okay. yeah it might be weird to do it in a packed room. but still: neglectable. i’m a handsome single guy asking a pretty single girl to hang out with me. how is that weird? it’s not. okay so there’s the immediate environment. okay i get it, it’s intimidating to me, i feel as if spotlights are on me. which is just a pattern-triggered feeling. it’s not really real. i hope i can look past it. then there’s being afraid of what she’s gonna say. seriously, she’s a nice girl, you think she’s gonna burst out into laughing or something? why would she? because you’re covered in dark ink? she’s a tattoo artist for petes sake. i mean of course not dark art but still. so you ask her, the little sentence you’ve jotted down as an insurance. okay. i go to her and ask her. she’ll be surprised in the sense that she didn’t expected this at all at this moment or during any moment. is that important? no. it’s with some certainty that a woman is rather crazy to make the moves. she seems def not crazy. so why would she think it’s funny or weird that i’m making a move? i dunno… i think it’s tied to some of my fucking small town mindset. there are no chastes, there are no social standings that you do not understand but she follow. it’s a free fucking world in that sense. SO: i ask her. “hey you know everytime i see you i find you exciting (sounds dumb in english, it’s better in german), so i was wondering if you’d be down for a coffee with me sometime?”. boom that’s it. no fucking wizardry needed here. again: she’ll be surprised as no fibre of her being suspected this. she’ll take a moment and think about it and answers in a way that makes it a soon to be reality or she doesn’t want to make it a soon-2-be-reality but maybe a sometime-2-be-reality or maybe even she takes care of it immediately and makes it a never to be scenario. okay so she says: “oh yeah i would love to!” and smiles. or she’ll be stalling it which will hurt in that moment and after but at least the train stops there (doesn’t necessarily need to be forever but still). and boom that’s it. maybe even an unenthusiastic answer like “sure why not”. whatever it’ll be man, in that moment, you will steer proper. it’s dumb to want ot find all the obstacles before. there are always obstacles unaccounted for. improvise. it’s actually the one thing you’re a master in. afterwards i’m either a happy guy down the line with a beautiful and interesting woman or we went on a couple of dates and nothing happened chemically or i have shot my shot and at least have the satisfaction of not giving in and actually doing something. there’s no losing here. none. i am just fucking scared. and i am not sure if it’s rejection. i am just scared of… being alive? taking action? directing my life? not just “suffering” it by whatever happens to me. i am taking what i want or rather i am solidifying an interest i have. an interest dearly to my heart. so yes: there’s being a lover to women or there’s being a lover to a woman. i will find joy in both i believe. just please: do it. please just do it. ask her, do not be afraid: i can only win. i can win by getting to know her. or i get to win knowing i was taking action. now let’s start this fucking day.
the day after. every time after an acid trip, i remember why i pledge to myself i should take more than a tab. i mean i had snips of another tab there that i took but i wouldn’t say it change much. it was tiring, it was nice, it was fun, it was uncomfortable - a usual trip experience i would say. i don’t remember having any cathartic moments or anything. at one point i shut the door to my bedroom and laid there in silence and dark with my eyes closed. i’d rather felt lonely if anything man. so i don’t know if i have anymore solo LSD trips in me. i don’t think so actually. a cozy setting with others is to be preferred and i actually think also a festival type thing could be interesting. i did dance at some point to a DJ set of some ozoa (whatever the name of that festival) and man my tattoos look fucking sick haha! but aside from that, dunno just sitting around. i’d say we keep to the regular plan, that on monday sets the clock on a month of no weed. my points still hold about motivation. it’s a mixed bag as i also can’t count out other factors - but seriously, i like to equalise it while consuming but in truth is, it leaves me feeling like shit and useless a lot of times. like, is my vacation just to “get over with”? i don’t know. i hope not. we been waiting for this for some time. but i feel some “whinyness” from all this and man it’s the weed. also not training doesn’t help really. so yeah what can i say much. ehm the plans i bought probably could use repotting, i should look into that later. i’m gonna get visited in an hour or so. now i don’t feel so happy about it. which i could also easily ascribe to “feeling sorry for myself”. awful man. i think playing hours of videogames would be better than all this. i bought the amp and just set it up without using it much too. what a shame man. i’m hollowing it out from the inside because i can’t handle the weed. well i’ve never been exactly an happy trooper. do things have more value when you actually have less time? i think so. now it’s not so spicy, i don’t have to plan my time at all. things are less fun too. oh man i hate that feeling from being stuffed from all the munchies i get. god it’s awful just to imagine someone could read all this self-pity i like to wallow in. but yeah. what can i say, i’m aware of the things. again. i try not to feel like a fool stepping into the same shit over and over again - but here i am. stepping in to shit. and it smells. currently i’m also blocked as if asking her is the only thing to get me forward really, like a zelda game walking around clueless until you understand what’s next. i’m afraid my mind is filling the bubble of being with her with thoughts and ideas and “possible” scenarios. i also don’t know what’s keeping me from just asking her, but to me things have to make sense and i feel like the genesis of the whole idea is very far away to be understood from outside and might leave her puzzled, if i just waltzed in there and asked her. i’m ready now, i’m at this point where i have to act and i always hated that part as it leaves me nervous in every possible situation with her as i’m consumed to find the moment to ask. but have faith man, it should and it will probably happen on it’s own. i just remembered my first girlfriend, i got the number by accident even. be close i guess? which is also weird then as being close implies being in a tattoo studio constantly, which is weird. or at least i think so. well it appears that vacation might not be my happy time? i strive on using the spots between my work shifts. now i don’t need to navigate any thing and i feel bored i guess. the thing i usually placate as not happening to me, huh? i think my neurochemistry is just bored with the input it get’s, which is a low level. i could’ve worked on flesh canvas, neocities, bandstuff… also don’t know if this whole optimisation striving is of any good too. i feel like without direction right now. and in a week from now, i’ll wish back i was sitting here like i did in this very moment. i have to be patient. i have to be disciplined. i have to be active. i have to simply do things as they feel better when you just do. - conclusion of the day: man is miserable. my distractions (hobbies, passions whatever) don’t seem to be distracting me much from just sitting idle. getting busy would be a fair choice of doing things.
i woke up with an old demo/draft of a song of mine in my head from back in…. 2018? i think so. i was working on an album, yet unknown to me how much work and skill it actually takes to make such a thing. it was good in a way man, i really like the direction it had and all. i listen to the whole thing more or less recently as i was organising folders and what not for the jellyfin project. i’d actually love to do one like that again… maybe an EP? yeah that would be cool really. my mind jumped immediately to the whole thing of “but you put your kontrol s88 in the attic”. don’t need all of that, could simply start doing a tune on this very laptop. curious too, how it changed, given i haven done a bit in years now. but yeah seriously could be fun. i’d also be enjoying to do it so i can do something with my tattoo friend - though currently i am not so sure how much it’s about him than to walk into her. now i feel the time is ripe. now the next given opportunity i will ask her. it’s also hard for those rare instances when lust strikes and actually giving in to it, to not corrupt it. i am doing way better than in the past as i have used to let my fantasy coincide with lust rampant and thereby putting me steps ahead - in a direction that won’t be stepped towards to realistically - of a relationship. so that’s good, i’m not using anything of her. i wish to go in the whole ordeal neutral as possible. intimacy can be hard for me, so let’s not make it harder. i also have to understand, she might politely decline. would that be bad? i mean i wouldn’t like it i guess? i think it won’t be devastating though. and that is actually the huge difference. that’s why my 30s are so special to me. or well at least the beginning of them, as some fear has started to build up that i wake up one day and all of a sudden i am an old man lol. but yeah it’s burning now, this desire to find out. it’s not the “i want to have her”. or i want to do whatever with her. i’m solely interested to see what will happen. oh i already get that weird feeling in my stomach, i’m nervous just thinking about it. don’t stress it, just a grownup asking a woman out, how dangerous is that, please? well as a kid it was dangerous, coming from a small place it was hard, that’s for sure. you knew people will be making fun of you and shit. this way around, i don’t fear that. i’m almost curious to see what happens with a no. will i frequent the store less? probably. will i still visit? oh yes sir. now i just don’t know how to make it happen for another visit as i’m there pretty often. friday i’m invited by my other tattoo artist friend. so that could be an opportunity. maybe they’ll have their team meeting then? guess we find out, by finding out. why does it have that urgency all of a sudden though? she’s not running away. BUT I WANNA KNOW. NOW. that’s the thing. anyways man, let’s move the thoughts somewhere else. uhm, i was thinking about dropping some acid during my vacation. well today is the best day for it actually. should i? hmm. i don’t know. will i enjoy it? i don’t know. i also have some stuff to do. i always have stuff to do. i was thinking to go to the studio box too. i also still got the dog here and i should take her out. i also should return the car. i could drop acid and try drawing skulls. it’s on my to do. hmmm. on the other hand, my time is not over. i still have some vacation time left. i could drop the acid today, and do some more things on the remainder of days. soooo. yup i think we will do it today. i have no clue what to do while on acid, but glad my apartment is settled for shit like this really. i’ll get some groceries. again of course because i currently can’t be bothered to do it right at once lol. also maybe i should stop sleeping with the dyson ventilator on, it’s not that hot and all i want is clean air / circulation. alrighty… so i needa shower, get some groceries. i gotta walk the dog. i should probably do this here already. god i dread it already. ehm. though i could actually fetch groceries, bring car back and dog back, circle back home. ugh i hate planning. let’s just start and see where we end up.
started the day with locking up the weed. i’ve eaten a whole pack of Tresor yesterday. it’s “just” 375g but i feel the need to do some fitness today. i’m gonna do some light exercises trying not to break a sweat because of my tattoo. i got all windows open and can hear the school bell ringing, guess i won’t be having those open for long eh? i’ll pick up the little bass cab today and with that one of my wish list purchases has been made. i’ve settled for a Hartke HD25 as I’ve seen this one at the luthiers and I’ve got a Hartke stack already. i had a very pretty session at the box yesterday, showing me the vape really is the future, as i’ve made small breaks during my time there. i’ve even tried smoking a joint again and man, did i not like the taste of it. it reminded me of smoking your first cig after while. i figured that’s the taste of combustion. so yesterday i was all close to “no need” for “all” of this; yes there’s need in the reduction. i’m still not entirely awake now, a bit hung over from smoking yesterday. even if the vaping itself would be “alright” and i wouldn’t feel strange and get these minor psychotic symptoms of overthinking and all, the eating makes this not viable for long man. period. i was all up and about “yeah let’s order some more potent stuff too” but no. i get it why, but we’re not keeping this level; there’s no need in having something more potent for the new level of consumption. i mean let’s face it, that it might not be ideal to do the whole a month thing if we’re healing up and shouldn’t be using our right leg too much. but i figured this is a good time, to ante up my south paw game and just switch to that stance for a while. so im only learning anyways. i wonder if clinching is weird from a southpaw stance? who knows, guess we’ll find out. today i’ll have to get the dog too as well as i’ll be having guests over. i think i’m gonna buy some groceries for all that. i’m also gonna cook the chili today. i was thinking to pop in the tattoo shop today. i was thinking to bring the owner something to sample and hopefully she would be there… but i’m not feeling so awesome today. so i’d rather not (another keypoint against the possibility that everyday consumption could work). i’ve been checking my calendar as well as my work-schedule and man this whole ordeal of taking long ass breaks before finishing the tattoo is gonna throw me off quite a bit… can’t say i’m a big fan of it. i have nothing smart to say today really. i’m in the process of thinking if a girl could fit in to my lifestyle, maintaining my muay thai (that has been lacking if you ask me), my band game (which is also lacking) - i feel like a wimp as of now. - got lost talking to the technician that set up a new drying machine in our house. i think i’m done. gonna do some light training, cut my hair and start the day. toodle-oo
alright a new day. oh today is also payday! which means mostly, i should be doing my bills so nothing get’s forgotten. me and my dear bandmate went to check out a different box in the place we already got one. this one would be cheaper and in the basement. i wouldn’t mind paying less… though probably for me not too much is changing. but still, it’s for the drummer, he does most of the financing so i oblige of course. so what else? ah my tattoo is very unfinished and looks like this’ll take at least 2 more sessions… ugh. means less training for me eh? fucking social media man, i been seeing posts and shit of apparently studies that have attested that we age in bursts and apparently 34 is a good take off point… i’m ambivalent towards it man. like on one hand i believe one should age properly on the other hand i’m scared i’ll lost my energy and looks. vain, i know. but that’s alright. it’s super duper early in the morning for me, as the appointment to check the place out had to be 7:45 of course… now i’m in my apartment and man my thoughts already ran towards: we could toke a bit eh? and just writing this, my brain tells me: yeah one toke and you can lock it for the rest of the day. i hate this, it doesn’t feel like my decision at all. i think calling it addiction brain won’t be a first-timer from anyone - but that’s what it is. i think i used to struggle with it and thinking i could “will” it the way i want. but that doesn’t work that way man, i think my machinery is primed for it now man. the only thing that works is to stop it for weeks. i was thinking to simply start the programme after my vacation. but i actually think it’s smarter to stop it altogether for a solid month. yeah man we should… it won’t be enjoyable and a constant fight. i don’t wanna fight all the time for fuck’s sake. also i want my motivation back. so i have to reset. alright. let’s try not to kill our freetime we have now by smoking cannabis all day okay? so i think i might allow it, to smoke a bit, then lock it and be productive; we have to use vacation time to prime things. as much as cooling down is good but I’m afraid the rest time is induced by smoking cannabis… the thing is, things look really good. i have loads of things that make sense to me. i have people around me that i actually like. i have a job that is not straight up trash (even if it’s energy consuming af). - okay i’ve been everywhere now from creating a new calendar as well as making plans. sooo let’s get back and finish this. i also have the possibility for an interesting person for a relationship: an organic one. in that regard though don’t be thinking too much into it. i think it was the night before, where i was fantasizing about it and man, that is not helpful! i understand why i had so many issues in the beginning of my 20s: i lived the world through the lens i’ve created inside. it’s just not real and takes up a shit ton of time - for nothing. don’t do it. i think i’m gonna ask her out these days. let’s not succumb to your fantastical workings - which are amazing but just used wrongly here. so let’s not. ehm i feel like i should write even more? but there’s not much reason to do so i guess, let’s make notes for how we spend today. how about that?
good morning. feeling a bit stuffed from yesterdays munchies. probably munched on nuts and seeds as i only had one bowl of cornflakes. i spent the whole day at home. my father came by and did something on the ceiling. aside from that i was by myself all day. i locked the weed in the morning, allowing myself one capsule. as soon as the box opened (a couple hours later) I’ve helped myself to some more. i felt entitled to it as well as i felt ashamed of not being able to withstand. i felt entitled as we said we’d do the whole jellyfin thing all day and toke while at it, so that’s why one could even frame it as being okay. i didn’t think too much, i just watched the Mare of Easttown and did the Jellyfin thing. So far it seems to work pretty neatly! it’s definitely more rustique than plex i’d say. but i found neat ways to play everything, it’s like neocities man, a throwback to other times. when there weren’t ready available multimedia player and you had to make it work what you have. just that the people that make those make them for the jellyfin community so not all of them are trying to monetize shit. so it’s working alright, will need some maintenance that’s for sure. i feel some indifference in me bubbling up. a general one; i don’t care about flesh canvas, don’t care about the band, don’t care about playing bass, don’t care about videogames, don’t care about reading, … I care about getting high and sitting around watching movies and shows. that’s what i care about hm? that’s not good, it distances me from reality. i locked it for today already. the weird thing is to think about how it would be all of a sudden to have a person frequently in here with me. a part of me dislikes the idea… dislikes the thought of having to “hold” back… to make more accessible. but currently i’m motivated to be lazy. to hang. hmph. don’t you dare using her as your catalyst for quitting. this might taint things. being high i even imagined her being in the room with me - just feeling wise - and thinking it felt out of place. but here’s the thing: this weirdness comes from overthinking. this is your currently receptor fried brain thinking. we’re going were it’s not as comfortable. monday after next my friend. it is soooo urgent we get you off. a part of me yesterday was all like: shit man should’ve ordered the new weed. man and when i think about it, it was like some certainty in that thought. now? not so much. so what are we doing? what do i want man? i wanna be healthy. i wanna be attractive. i wanna be around people. i wanna find out what it’s like to be around her. i used to want to find out how it’s like to be a band member, but that doesn’t seem as “hot” as it was before. i also wanna work as little as needed. i wanna be good for my people, my family, my friends and even to my neighbours. i want a clean house. i care much about things and especially i care about how i spend my day. what fascinates me sooo much about cannabis? no pain? the munchies? how things feel? how time passes? or how time isn’t imprortant? i think i don’t have to be too harsh - maybe i also needed this reset i gained in this vacation, being up in smoke. i chatted with GPT about this too and i like the framing of this: mini-retreat. that’s what my goal should be. a mini-retreat every now and then. but as of now it’s a goal to be high. i can’t wait to get home and toke. that is the fucking problem. it’s an escape, a regular escape. a sought after one. that’ll only render me useless. i’m slow because of what i munch and maybe because my brain is overstimulated. i know i function very well without it. so we have to establish the middle ground. i wish for it to be possible. my goal is to… i feel i can’t be too much directive at this point. i don’t know if a relationship is my goal. i know my fighting can’t be an ultimate goal as it holds not much future in the sense i won’t be a pro - and even if: it’s not that it would yield too much. okay i got sidetracked looking at small bass amps for at home use. maybe i try to balance these things by getting me pretty things. though this synergy is not too bad as i usually get something worth the while. okay anyways, none of this is new. i feel not much about anything really. today i’ll try to hang out with one party of my neighbours. i’ll try to clean this space up some more. let’s do some laundry too. what else? mmmh. yeah i still have some cleaning to do too. i also need to shower myself, i almost forgot i have a new tattoo healing. he was right, that the way he tattooes this thing is healed as soon as the needle is set down lol. i’m asking myself if i’d be jumping the gun, to ask her out next time. i’m putting too much weight on it all, keep it easy man. find out if it fits, do not make it fit. careful: smoking might alienate you in advance for the sensations. so i haven’t worked on my neocities in a while, i did have some ideas though. let’s just start the day man.
hello cyberspace, i slept until 12:30. well i went to bed after 5am so there’s that too. i had a long session with my tattoo friend, and he was locked in so i let the boy cook and did my part to supply vibes, hold still and do as little breaks as possible. ah man it’s so uncomfortable to be laying down all day. but it was nice, the homie was really into it and enjoyed his handiwork and the creativity i gave him - and as always since my grown-life: it was worth it. piece is sick. too bad my dream of finishing it in a couple days in a row couldn’t be met. but it’s all about the tattoo so we’ll do it that way. he wants me to come to a convention so we can finish it there. i’d actually be down to do that. so what else? no writing yesterday as my friend spent the night and we woke up quite early. i’ve had a headache for 2-3 days, maybe it’s a migraine? maybe i finally got my moms things too - egh. but i slept pretty good today, i’m a bit worried of course as the day has started a long time ago and i hope i won’t be up for too long. i was also like, i shouldn’t be consuming anything today, as i gave myself permission for 2 days only during the week on my vacation… my mind returns to: but you said after the tattoo it’s fine to smoke all day. well i know. now i’m torn; should i lock it? for the rest of the week? man i don’t know… i’m addicted, that’s what i can tell. i really feel like it wouldn’t harm? i have nowhere to be, nothing to do (i do have some tasks but they wouldn’t rule out consumption really). it’s my vacation, i should take it easy. and we said this is the end of daily consumption… we’ll start the program after the vacation? sooo. i’m ready myself to actually already start vaping after this here… and start jellyfin. a part of me would like to continue with Death Stranding too. but I feel like Jellyfin is overdue. let’s setup the mac. have a toke of sativa. ANYWAYS so much for the organisational morning talks. what else happened yesterday: i thought she would not be in the tattoo studio. i was gearing up for it. and then her pretty face popped into our room and she came by saying hello. she had a cute baggy outfit on with shox. man it was a cozy fit and she looked so good. later she said it’s actually her sleeping shirt haha. she is so cool with the fits, she has a range from classic female looks to everything else. wow. in the end she stayed with the owner and after me and my friend were done we joined them in talking, having beers and then got a pizza. i must say i am happy the way i handled it, i didn’t push myself too much (for some reason of course i had to drop that i plan on competing in January…) to be interesting, i kept it low-key i’d say. and in the end? i got to take the bus with her and we talked a bit more. beautiful, let’s keep this thing developing naturally! don’t jump the gun, be alert to shoot your shot though. oh i also found out how old she is and she is born in ’01. but that’s more than alright. i hope she likes me man, she seems very genuine, well composed, natural and sweet. very open and all. so let’s see where that’ll end up… okay i think i’m gonna quit as i don’t have much to give this writing today. i’ve booked the airnbnb for my medellin stay. oh btw me and my tattoo friend exchanged some more: i showed him my old music and he liked it! he also showed me his stuff and man, actually i think the both of us could do some stuff together haha! could be fun and even get a reach, who knows? man i need to make my life more “airy” to fit all this stuff i want for my life. a part of me daydreams about, how i could go back to my position of “springer” and work 60% and get money from other things on the side. i fucked up with the gopro yesterday and couldn’t document the tattoing man, i settled now for doing pics by myself. oh i also contacted the photographer guy, ex-boyfriend of my sis (i think so, even if their thing was short) for a meetup. always good to connect with people man, maybe he’ll be able to supply some tips for making pics. i think flesh canvas will be then just me posing and showing my body art? maybe next time i’ll try again with the time lapse thingy. well we didn’t do it all at once anyways so. i even deleted the trial things i posted on flesh canvas, i gotta get around to not use headphones on the pictures. alright, i’d say we’ll get down to toke one or two and then work down the list with things man. see this tomorrow.
nothing like waking up, opening your windows and have little kids screaming around as if they were dying accompanied by the screechy saw from one of the 3-4 construction sides. again I live somewhere that has temporary noises, that will probably be gone by the time i move out lol. anyways let’s not start by bitching. i’m listening to Moose Blood right now. drinking coffee. and i don’t have much time, gotta hit the road soon as i got my dentists appointment in Germany. before that some cleaning up, as i’ll be picking up my friend afterwards. i also gotta think about, what i wanna buy for groceries in Germany. i really like the feeling those plants i bought give the room. i’ll switch around some of the kallaxes too. probably not today or tomorrow. really gotta start that Jellyfin thing too. i’m already feeling as if my vacation is over lol. it’s just been 3 days. i always get this feeling of “man you could’ve squeezed out more of that”. dumb. i brought the bass to my luthier of trust and the old guy told me, he can’t recommend doing anything to that bass. i’m happy i guess, as it’s probably better to save up money for a nice bass. also i don’t think i wanna play a 5 string. i just don’t like the whole idea of complexing an instrument that won’t be seeing complexity from me. i wanna learn to groove man. i wanna learn to feel it. 4 strings is more than sufficient for it. and it’s really settled despite me pulling it up again and again: that Ibanez is off the table. i do not want a 5 string guitar. okay on the other hand we’ll see over time with the couch bass if we maybe get accustomed to it a bit. oh man! i haven’t yet even talked about it: yesterday i went to the tattoo shop to park there and run some errands in the city. well no one was at the shop aside from her. i tried to keep it cool - which i did. talked some with her. and man i feel like being straight up immediately might be weird? or maybe it’s a dumb excuse i am using. okay got myself lost at whatsapp. yeah i feel like maybe talking to people about her and if my approach is sensible or if i’m just being avoidant. man i do hope she’s gonna be there during the sessions the next 2 days. i wonder if i should talk this out with GPT or with a friend… dunno how good of an idea is my colombian friend. i think my brazilian homie makes more sense given his experience with women. okay i don’t have anything deep to say today. there’s not much confusion going on - the only confusion worth clearing up is what i should buy groceries wise lol. yup lost myself scrolling reddit. let’s just start this day. and i can feel you being discontent over the errands to run and so on; feeling like i won’t be spending the time to build up. it’s alright, spending time with friends is never wasted. we gonna stick together forever man - never lost time. and for visiting the dentist man, that is never wasted. costs only a lot…
there is absolutely nothing worser than having to start your day because the alarm ringed. it’s incredible even at 08:36am it has loud noises here; is every 5th person here renovating their house? i know why i never liked to go to sleep or wake up as the rest of the world. or at least i assume i know. why on earth would i rob myself of peace? there’s nothing like night time peace knowing all the people are asleep. oh great now the saw is chiming in too! guess i’ll be writing accompanied to music yet again. you know as much as i like the whole thing of being here, but maybe i won’t be too sad to leave this apartment one day anyways. having a school close is superbly annoying. i couldn’t care less for young kids and shit. well maybe the next thing will be buying an apartment? who knows. it’s great for now, that’s for sure. i have some nervousness towards this as i have spend so much on furniture for in here. but most things aren’t bound to this apartment and are usable in other setting too so. i already feel like two weeks of vacation are too short lol. well they are. but like i said, we’re just retreating a bit to take care of things. usually we also won’t be waking up so early. crazy i slept so good for that. i took half of those melatonin pills as a security. so total it’s 2.5mg. i was too late to hand in dates i need to be off work. grr. i’m still contemplating to go to Munich to go and see Dying Wish and Psycho-Frame. it would be a shame to not see PF if they are already on the road. Speed and Malevolence are the higher up acts, which I don’t care for too much. i mean didn’t i see Speed when i went to Manchester? i think so. i just remember they were on the bill and being not too impressed. same with Sunami - that style is not enticing for me? maybe I’m too edgy for stuff like that maybe. who knows. but PF man… i would love to be in a pit in Munich for that. Knocked Loose was crazy there already. also getting some merch wouldn’t suck too hard! let’s plan it! i’m on vacation then again too so! okay so this was more organisational talk… anything emotional? anything introspective? while i was making coffee i was wondering if i should consume anything today really. hmm. it’ll be after training. that is actually a good time for it. okay so there is that. i wonder if it’ll maybe be different once i’ve switched gyms? could be. i’d invite it actually… hmm lower intensity? inviting that? well the professor coach usually overdoes it quite a bit i’d say… i’m writing here just so i keep the habit man. i don’t know what to say much. there isn’t much. i know what i have to do around here to free up my time some more. i do have the usually tattoo nervousness - but more in the sense how people will receive me afterwards. it’s because i do dark motives always. i love them. it pleases me aesthetically. i love looking at it. definitely like the shocking aspect too. i remember once meditating on how people tell me i am pretty. i don’t like to be pretty for regular folks. i have this distinct wish of being loved by what I AM. not what you see and being a nice canvas for your projection. i’m dark. i’m melancholic. i’m not a happy person per se. i’m also not a depressive nor suicidal person. i can be cliché, that’s for sure. but for most part I’d say I’m pretty unique in many aspects. and this is more measured by taking in the quota of people i’ve seen. that i’m not an unique snowflake, of that i am aware. and i don’t have to be. maybe this whole business with writing here is my message in a bottle? i actually desired to find people to agree with. kinfolk. ah mean now we’re opening up something. all these things i dreamed about being in a community. a community that is real, is different, is… yeah more like me lol. i mean people do not have to be like me, because i’m such a great guy. but just more authentic, more real… i don’t know how to say this. i just probably played too many videogames and watched too many shows & movies of people in tight knit communities and the dream never left. 1-2 years ago my thoughts were linked to “once society fucks up, we’ll have that” but now i actually don’t have this dystopian-utopia anymore. real struggle. i think humans will go on. whatever circumstances. need will create, what’s needed to survive. people are motivated by direness. alright anyways, i should prep my breakfast, this cyberpunkish dystopian post-apocalyptic wannabe philosopher warrior has to pack his breakfast, bass and stuff to return to IKEA as i’ve decided to go to IKEA as it’s on the way back after the luthier. peace
morning: i woke up with my throat feeling sore. it’s no wonder, i went to the studio box yesterday after a long time and went into doing screams. which i have not trained doing but simply started doing. that catapulted me almost back. but now when i swallow i can feel it’s already better. i have to work on the technique man. the same as muay thai: go back, do it slow. this way is not helpful at all. i’m in a weird state yet again. i feel heavy. i am not heavy. but i still feel heavy. i’ve been consuming cannabis for weeks everyday. this fucked me everytime in life. feeling sluggish. the question, if cannabis can help me or not, is a useless one. i think i have to stop for a while. i overdid it again. either way, this is an addiction i can only stay away from or i just have bad timing giving my life situation. which is over now. i’m not struggling in the sense as i did before. i have less energy now. i need to rest more now. either i’m getting old and this is normal. or it’s not and im rationalising it. of course it’s addiction right now. but other observations might still hold true. i did not have the slightest problem to shell out more than 500 for weed and the vaporiser. i’m not broke anymore but still this isn’t money i should be tossing around. 600 more and i would’ve gotten that ibanez bass. which i seem not to care about anymore? i shouldn’t be stressing optimisation too much - i know that - but realistically i would have been faster with gaming, my apartment and better with training if i was less sluggish. there were these kinds of mornings, i woke up and stopped the weed smoking. and you know what. fuck it for today we’re gonna lock this stuff. alright it’s done. a thought held me back: i wanted to try it out with Pierre. so that’s why i won’t be locking it entirely. but man, i have to reduce that shit. it has gotten to be centre of my life again. i did not want this nor planned this. why do you do this? well i feel sad man. i feel lonely. a loneliness that feels like it cannot be remedied. one that i can deal with though; one i can grow from. i’m busy, i have people in my life. people seem genuinely to enjoy my company. i’m a valued band-member. i’m a valued work colleague. i’m a valued friend. i’m a valued family member. these are things i can lean more into. i can get back to reading; of course that didn’t render me happy all of a sudden, but some existential loneliness is bettered by that. i have many things i can do. they are not a process like consuming though, i can’t press play and see what happens. i direct most of it. you know things happen while you do stuff too, so let’s get back. i cancelled my pharmacy order for even more cannabis. and even more important: i cancelled the more potent cannabis. i was slowly easing into it again man. what’s up with wanting to dry competing? what’s with your quest as musician? what’s it with your crush? i don’t think it’s not that i don’t want these things again. i’ve grown a bit indifferent to them. what happens to them. i don’t want things to not have weight. if every thing is weightless, everything is useless then. so coping with life got me here. alright. we reflected on it and we keep reflecting on it. the kids i work with, it’s not upon me to give them a good feeling. (all the while im at this my addict brain is like, “yeah let’s do this library thing for work then while we smoke some”). i have to get a handle on work stuff, i was overdoing some things. i learn from these: no bonus stuff. most of the time this will not be appreciated by a lot and it will cost me my energy dearly. i don’t have to make people like me. i’m also not in danger. of course always something could happen but it will not be life threatening. the only way to feel secure is to become better at muay thai really. also to have a sharp focus. before i started consuming this much or rather in this frequency i was sharper. and i was constantly on dating apps. i had this desire of flesh and connection. it died down now. which of course is nice to some extend. but also renders me unavailable in case something would come up. and something might be up. something could be up. i will have to get used to not smoking everyday. this apartment breathes my addiction since i came. we did never wanted that. we lost focus. and it’s alright. it’s not irreversible. you know it. we been there, we done that. maybe weed intensive phases are alright every once in a while. i did maybe find some stuff out in that time and what not. but, it’s time to change it again. man i have the best perspective for my life ever. i have to learn some stuff, i have to enjoy some stuff. i won’t do that if i’m rendered unavailable. - i was walking around prepping my breakfast and closing the blinds and windows; i was thinking, how many pleasurable things there are. and none of them come at this cost. i wish i’d be able to consume cannabis in a conscious fashion. i want to have it unlocked somewhere and take it for a certain situation or because it would feel nice right now. but not in this daily fashion. i have games, i have instruments, i have books, i have people, i have interests. so many things i can spend my time with. realisation kicks in. that’s what counts. i guess my pa never cared too much because he saw the reflective processes i induce time and time again. so that’s really all you need from a therapeutic standpoint on man. okay we’re easing into this now. it’s a new week. you get 2 nights of consuming. each week. for your vacation. after that, we go to 2-3 times in a 2 week cycle. maybe i plan these days? maybe we simply put them in our calendar? okay i created a new one. from now on, we’ll input the days in there. that way we have to look at it. that way we can count, keep track and organise. alright i think we had enough of this now. i wanted to get my bass setup today, i hope i won’t be too late. i also gotta get some groceries. oh and get rid of that god damn ceiling vent from your work colleague. that thing is making me mad. evening: it’s evening 23:39 now. usually i would’ve done some gas already. but not today. it feels like those days in my first apartment when i stopped smoking for the first time. i remember the beginning was hard; i had to entertain myself all of a sudden. things just didn’t happen. i didn’t have to lay into bed because i was close to falling asleep. nope, i had to hang in my bed and wait for it naturally. it feels good though. how much time a non-cannabis consumer has! i was even thinking about stretching myself before bed. but i might be too lazy. i took some melatonin because the luthier needs me to come in at 10am… god damn it. but i wanna have that thing resolved now. my vacation is for setting things straight. so i can enjoy my overall life more. not a classical vacation i guess. who cares. so i even felt like writing before bed. i wanna play some disco elysium in bed. i thought about reading - but i have yet to get the lamp from downstairs. it’s not a pretty one but it might be welcomed to stay in my bedroom because the light is good for the eyes and has no blue waves. why it was good in the first place was maybe an esoteric reason or maybe it’s actually true. i could ask GPT but i don’t feel like it. man my bacne (fuck you GPT) is crazy, i have to big volcanoes under my skin. one of my backpack straps slipped of my shoulders and the area of one of the volcanoes caught it - man that was a little sharp sting. i bought my first plant today! that sucker was cheap and i forgot his name again. but let’s see! i think i’ll have that wall covered in plants. i hope i’ll be able to take care of them. my friend actually told me she goes “showering” with her plants. that’s pretty smart. i have such a big fucking shower. gonna put all of them in there then. also get’s rid of the dust on the leafs i guess. i’m thinking what to cook for my tattoo artist when we have our session. yeah maybe it’ll be just chili again, that way i have something for my friend from colombia and i can simply take it with. maybe she’s there too? would be nice to make an honest good impression? i also have to ready the gopro and think about how to use it. man pls remember to take the pod; i’m gonna jot it down. i’m lucky my work colleague said he’ll return the money i gave him and i can do whatever with the ventilator. shows once more, that the conversations i have in my head with people, are actually bogus and drawn by my childs experience of being ridiculed. everything was fine. and the clock is ticking. at least i was able to air out my bedroom without my downstairs neighbours spliffing up the whole place. the make me angry. i kinda don’t want it to be like that as i strive for harmony always. but man, they are inconsiderate as fuck. oh i’m also wondering if i should invite my neighbours over? 2/3 seem nice and i like to get along with people. could be interesting too, as i do like to know about people. i’ll probably be oversharing as i do when i’m excited in a round of people - but that’s fine. oh i started to read Haubl finally today! yay! feels like being back on track. i know it’s just been one day. but still. tomorrow i’m allowed to consume some. after that it’s just once more this week. it’ll be fine. i actually like an evening like this. i went to the box and practiced Circle With Me again. I just don’t like to take it slow. makes me feel better inside if it’s not too slow… problem is only: this way i won’t learn it. i’ve read somewhere in reddit yesterday some comment of some guy, telling some other guy, that it took him years for something to learn. maybe i should just understand and move along with it. i can still do simple bass lines by ear. don’t have to be all that one song. i also started to work on the first song of our EP. i also try to get our chat pace back up as well as the rehearsal intervals. oh i forgot to text back the singer of a befriended band. well tomorrow, i’m sure he’ll understand. he’s a sweet soul. oh my brazilian buddy won’t be tagging along for training anymore… but i could train free of charge on mondays when he coaches! i have many things to learn. i’ve seen Ajarn Wat on IG and realised, the man is super old. he looks old. he moves like being old. but man is he young spirited. of course the vehicle will have wear. but the vehicle is run by it’s spirit. if i keep my spirit and clear from this self-pity i sometimes be in, maybe i’ll stay young spirited for long too? i’d definitely would love too. my head is full of ideas for my apartment. i’m full of goals, wishes and desires. many things i will never achieve. that shouldn’t hold me back though. most important is actually that i be in a flow. clear yourself. it’s worth it. (so cliche to stop with like an affirmation/small-battle-cry lol)
i made it. this is the first morning of 2 weeks of just whatever the fuck i wanna do. it hasn’t settled in yet but so fucking nice. i did a good job. finished my reports and i think i’ve communicated everything there is. half of my work was useless, as this one kind didn’t return from his permission to go out. oh well. sucks for him man - but i am not surprised. i should maybe try go skating before i get tattooed eh? maybe. i gotta learn how to kick proper too. i’m really afraid i’m gonna destroy something in my knee/s. which i of course do not want. i’d need time in front of a bag and bring the go pro for it. oh now the rush is flowing in: try the go pro more! go skate! go learn to kick! finish the furniture! haha chill! i saw we have coupons from the flower shop my friend told me about. i could get myself my first set of plants? or maybe i’ll go into the city and buy them in a store eh? help a local soul out instead of ordering. i should update or rewrite a to-do list. alright killed the old and wrote a new one. oh now it’s the time to start jellyfin! ooh so exciting! i have everything here now. i was wondering if i wanna do cannabis free days… but man i don’t know. i think it would help me but i dont feel like it? simply addiction? also i spent so much for cannabis now… would be a shame… though with the vape it’s a bit different. maybe some of the negative symptoms are gonna die out? i mean my cough and throat is continuously getting better. yesterday i watched hustle & flow with the kids, they loved it. understandably so. good fucking movie. oh i also tasked myself with making a big library for work mp3s. so today my bandmates are coming over. i feel a bit bad because i said i will do chili for us all. but i have not enough groceries. im not finished with the though though; maybe i’ll get the car and buy the couple peppers i need. then i could head to the luthier tomorrow? hmm. i could… i could. could also spend some time in the studio tomorrow. buy some groceries… that would work. today, do i have anything particular for my band mates? i worked on a song a while ago yeah - yeah true! man i was talking down on myself for not playing bass entirely a month, but that’s not true. i played some yesterday! i still love it yo. it just took a break from playing too much i guess. i will do it more man. i also berated myself over my training performance, dealing with the realisation: man you’ll never become really good at muay thai. i don’t have the time or at least i don’t invest that much time into it. i still wanna develop it. but sometimes it’s just once a week. i think i can’t see how much my weed consumption hinders me - or, i am so exhausted from constant strife & discussions with the kids at work. though for that one i must say, i’m reflecting constantly on it and seek to reduce it a lot. all the bonus stuff that i do and what not. it’s not helping me or them. they enjoy it real quick; consume it and move onto the next one. i am the grownup, it’s not about me. and yet it is about me, how i structure it and all. but i will get better at this. i had some phenomena of being worn out and wondering: “can i continue in this? i really miss my old job where i could give less of a fuck”. i’m even in the trap of: “working nights was nice, that way i was just able to watch more movies and read books”. which is true but it would render me unfit for day living. now we have a sweet compromise of living from 10:00 to 3:00. so i think it’s probably more the, getting more fit in my job. and training wise, i wonder if it’s the weed or exhaustion really. who will know. i have to come to terms with things man. i am all over the place, doing many things. i can’t become a master at all of these. i don’t even have the constitution to do so. we need a middle ground and i don’t think we can hash that out by sorting it on a paper. it’s messy, we just live and see where it takes us. mentally i’m gearing up what to talk to my crush about once i’m tattooing next week. i desire to be bold in it because i’m a grownup, we are grownup and there’s no need for these games. i just wanna go bluntly to her and tell her something like “hey you know everytime i meet you i wonder about you, so now i’m wondering if you’d allow for us to meet up sometime and just…” just talk? could be weird. also: there’s not much reason to think about the words. nobody cares or remembers these too much - or at least they won’t have too much weight in the end anyways. i feel very excited about this. impatient even. i wanna see what happens next. chances feel like 50:50 from my standpoint. i struggle a bit with the thought… wait no it’s not making too much sense; struggling with me being so “darkish” or “edgy” even. she is surrounded by her colleagues who are that way too. my music isn’t too much of a mystery too her, as she is exposed to that already. yeah seriously, there’s not much eh hindrances really. it’s really just up to the chance of meeting her and simply talking to her. that’s it. ask her out. it’s alright to be nervous but we can take this very easy: she says yes: cool we get to know each other. in this scenario it is very important i don’t fall in any traps of “make her like me more” but keep to simply myself. it’s new to me, trying to not make people like me but simply allow for them to like me. that’s different! so we have a shot of desire and cultivation. and of course the other scenario is: “no sorry i’m not interested.”. of course not that black and white, as she could state something like “sorry my last relationship wasn’t too long ago - i need time”. which would be real. and hey man, don’t settle all this stuff inside of you. could also be that you won’t like her. lol just writing that had my inner voice be like: “no no she must be super cute and nice!”. yeah we don’t know. let’s try not to hype up a projection and give that “character” even more traits and personality when we don’t know. just know this: the cards are good. it can play out in many directions, all you get to do is to walk into one ;D okay that’s it for the day. let’s see whatever the fuck happens. a little voice is already saying, that now with the vape a little capsule won’t hurt ah? for which i just want to remind of some days ago when my two friends from school were over and while eating i felt weird with them, was after i took a hit of pretty low level thc weed. so how about: no?
i don’t feel anything in particular this morning. my throat is chill, it get’s down by the day. looks like the vaporizer really helps a lot. who would’ve thought, i’ll change my cannabis consumption in such a fashion. i remember once this dude lent me his vaporizer, but that was like 10 years ago. this one is really good. it’s neat. that’s why i’ve ordered stronger weed now. so i don’t have to do so many capsules. i actually like the neatness of the capsule, one could do without. but i don’t wanna really. man i should start with laundry now i believe. im indecisive really. i also gotta cook something to take with to work. i wanted to check my work mail to see if one of my kids can go work but nothing as of now. ugh i think i’ll call from home now. okay he already called back to work, so that’s alright then. ehm. what else. i thought about my crush a bit when i woke up. okay now i have to deal with the usual annoying netflix shit. kids never use your mail for a household. with this dumb ass new age back to cable tv streaming you’ll just constantly have to play dumb ass service center role shit. i can’t wait to fucking change that mail. of course for that i have to talk - whatever. yeah i really feel nothing in particular. i’m gonna be at work for 30h so I don’t really have a lot to feel right now. i’m already in work mode anyways. i haven’t touched my bass in days. i feel bad about it. i excuse this with me not going to the box in this heat and my harley benton bass at home plays like shit: i have to bring it for a setup. i also gotta plan when to see Dani. gotta plan when to see Pierre too. the laundry i do not need to do today really, it’s hot i can hang outside. today i do want to have the xiaomi clean this place. and i have another yfood drink here for tomorrow. so if i make the gnocchis with mushrooms i’ve got food for this evening and tomorrow. though some salad would still be nice i’d think for tomorrow night. i’m also gonna bring the rope so i can do some sports in the morning. ehm gotta think about how to bring the creatine. also will have to do a lot of stuff at work to finish. on another note, i contacted Hilken for a backpiece or rather general info about it. he replied quick! i think that is settled: my back is gonna be a hilken piece. aside from my stomach i’m actually set on all the tattoo artists i wanna deal with. one more becker piece, one big piece and decorations from oxos, leg by p, nother leg by jodok, back by hilken and yeah! that would be that. sounds like a lot of money though haha. but man let’s do flesh_canvas. i’m still not entirely sure how to go on about all this business though, handling the neocities and the IG. i don’t want my clients in my comments and shit but not having it on public is not helpful at all. hmmph. i’ll let it simmer… PS: my friend told me about feey a shop for plants, especially for dummies like me. turns out i got a coupon from work for it too now. guess we’ll order some plants ey?
i am feeling like i have more of a cold than i thought before. maybe because my mucosae are dried out from being to long in front of a ventilator? who knows. i just don’t like feeling this way. it’s super hot today. i slept long enough but yeah i still feel like shit (well yesterday i slept like shit so there’s that). i vaped for the (kinda) first time yesterday and actually I like it. i think it’s better for my throat really. only thing is, that the mild weed that i have is kinda making me have to vape many capsules for effect. i wish i had more potent strains… i just re-upped on weed. this was supposed to hold for a while. well we will see how it’ll work out over time. my goal was to reduce it so i don’t feel so sluggish. all the while i think i just gotta get passed this hill first: vacation. i need to just fucking sit and not do too much. like setting up the mac and jellyfin for starters. that would be helpful a lot. i wonder if i can upgrade the internal storage of the mini mac. i’ve jotted it down to see. i’ve posted me kicking on reddit to get feedback and man i’m overwhelmed, people were giving me feedback like crazy! i guess i have to use that more. today i should actually be doing some sporty stuff - but man do i not feel that way. i could start incorporating what the people said; i’ve made screenshots of the most helpful ones, i’m gonna compile this together for use. it might not be my flexibility, it might be that i just needed some different perspectives on how to change the whole thing. looks also like i gotta restart my whole kicking game. well one thing at a time. today i don’t feel like doing much really. oh at work i gotta finish some stuff. though i have a weekend day. still. my neighbours didn’t seem to like my text and asking them for a sit down together. they basically ignored it. though he - who also seems like the problem mostly - seemed to think about it. albeit in a slightly victim’ishy way but he seemed to reflect on it. that’s most important. i thought if they don’t want to sit down and talk it out, i’ll just continue in text. i’m really not one for big things in that really, i like easy fixes that will hold up. that’s what i desire. i will work something out and also i will see with GPT to make my schedule readily available to people. i consider using a whatsapp status for it? let’s see to this later, i’ve put something in writing on the side already. so, potent weed would be nice for vaping eh? well i considered to get another order in. should be doable in a week. i’m slowly also wondering about my finances and actually i checked my 2nd account and to my surprise, it actually looks pretty good! a tattoo session and the airbnb for Medellin will halve that money easily but it’s not too bad i’d say! that’s what it was meant to be for: for me to have freedom for such things! this also reminds me, that i need to check where i can look into the eh statements of my wage, because last one i’ve felt like should’ve been higher? anyways. i was just thinking how i could ask my crush in a third instance or so, if she would like to accompany me to find some frames for all the pictures i have. hmm. man i wonder how could i get the studio people to my place without it being weird. i mean i’d enjoy to invite them all! maybe on a friday after they were open? or on a saturday? god this poses the age old: how do i get everything under one eh umbrella? how to get training in there. how to get meeting people in there (needs some spontaneity for that). how do i get trainign by myself in there? how to get band stuff in there? how to get work, sleeping, family, cleaning, cannabis sessions, hanging around, gaming,… - how do i combine all of that into my life? i think i also distance myself subconsciously a bit from it, because i don’t want to face the possible truth, that i can’t. something will always be a miss… hmph. maybe i will pick up the pace? oh man i also have to get a handle on feeding myself. in a healthy supportive way. in a way that also frees me from doing shit. i’m fucking all over the place. in a certain way i’m also happy about it. but man, i want some clarity. that’s it for today i believe. nothing else to see here i think. i think i’m gonna let the xiaomi clean up when i’m off to work. i also gotta buy groceries so i can survive the friday and saturday at work. i actually don’t feel like moving too much. i’d like to sit down and play some death stranding or hang on the couch. ugh i also gotta contact one of my coworkers about his ceiling fan that i don’t want to keep.
okay so i’m a bit on the edge, as i expect any min to be interrupted; somebody actually bought the bed i had on tutti. this makes me think i should really put up all the other stuff too. it’ll just sit there and maybe someone will hit me up. i woke up with a headache. probably overtrained as well as slept too little. a part of me tells me: if i had smoked weed i’d have slept better. but i locked it as i also had to get up early. or at least use an alarm. that changes my sleep quality by a lot. well im gonna go get myself a vaporizer later. im gonna take a handheld one. the best desk option is 500 and man i do not intend to shell out that kinda mane as of now. i still got the car here. i’ll bring it back after my work appointment. maybe there’s time to go to the headshop after my appointment. i also have to take out all the cardboard and plastic trash i have in my basement. let’s hope i don’t forget it. so my whole big hall idea with gym and studio found it’s end - and probably for the best: my training buddy has become coach! so there’s that. i also was pissed again because of my neighbours and their spliff smoking: dude it’s fucking hot and i wasn’t able to open the windows from 22 - 7 in the morning. fuck that! my buddy gave me the courage to confront it (passively because he said he’ll contact our “coach” about him leaving). i’m a man, i just have to take it at face value. i like to be avoidant. i think my dad is avoidant as well. but we’re avoidant in a weird way. like being in confrontation is not problematic. initiating it is. it’s crazy how often i mention GPT in here, but of course i conferred with it firstly. so i wrote out the message unfiltered how i would do it on my terms, to my neighbours. it was passive aggressive and sarcastic. that doesn’t help. i wanna resolve a problem. i’m not emotionally attached to it - aside from the fact that it pisses me off of course. after talking to them i’ve got some other safe options. - . alright the people came, a regular swiss couple in their 50s maybe even 60s. i helped them put it in their car and now my old bed is gone! man that thing has some history. a bed for some people has probably seen a dozen and more naked bodies. mine not that much but for me the couple of girls that slept over i will and can remember. and now it’s history. i’m not sure. did i get this with a friend from my first training? or was it with the Zürich singer I had a crush on? man i still remember walking to her villa and being like “Eh I don’t think you gave me the right address?”. Just recently I was taking a peek what she’s doing: she’s in a band and plays keys there! Of course her soft voice is also used. Good for her! Man she’s even more skinny than before. But I think she might be the type. Anyways. I was thinking to straight up ask my crush if she’s down to eh hang out? Go for drinks? I don’t want it to be pretentious. I also don’t want it to be too obvious… hmm. It is obvious. I’m interested in her. She’s not an object I have to entice to get a hold off. I actually want to get to know her. Man I would welcome it if this went on in many sessions instead of the regular kinda protocol? I have to be more manly really. And with that I’m not thinking of the toxic kinda ways. I’m thinking of actually just being plain and act on my desires; which I know after all these years of therapy are all normal and shouldn’t be suppressed. Also not acting on them leaves me with regret. I don’t want that. Lol my impulse was to text another of my tattoo pals - I mean it’s genuine i did want to ask him a couple of times if he’s moving close by with his fam now or not. And man, this ventilator is fucking sick. Sheesh, this thing was worth every cent. Or rappen. However you wanna look at it. Today I’m meeting school friends! Despite me starting it pissed because of my neighbours, lack of sleep and the constant feeling of having a cold; I think this’ll be a good day. Oh well I also of course forgot about the work meeting i’m going to in a sec. But everything else is good. Yeah! I helped a friend with a situation he wasn’t too happy with. He’s now the coach of a new gym! A gym I will also go to. It will elevate my muay thai game I’m certain. There’s also an acquaintance from the past training there! That is also cool. So overall despite other factors I’m good. Which just shows me how important it is
So yesterday my throat felt better - but right after smoking the same feeling again. Hmm. Guess I really gotta lock the stuff for 2 weeks at least. I wonder if the fatigue, the social battery depletion is strongly linked to my cannabis use? I think in the past I had these feelings. I also wondered in the past, if this is not the old „egg before hen“ discussion; do I smoke because I‘m overworked? Hmm. The hardest goal of my life is probably to find a balance between all these things I wanna do. All these projects. And what‘s even more important is: the volition to do those. Sometimes I just don‘t feel like doing certain things. I‘m actually standing in the bus, texting this on my phone. A little kid is being loud and playing stuff loud on his phone. The mother is spaced out next to it. Looks like she became numb to the noise daily around her, that she doesn‘t even thinks about hoe bothersome this is to others; I didn‘t need to think about what I should be playing in my airpods: Psycho-Frame drowns out all annoying noises. Back then it was Slipknot - but the taste is refined. I slept like shit and too little, as I anticipated my dad coming by for the ceiling fans. It was stressful but we did it and now one is set up and the other is taken off. Shit was doing annoying sounds. Anyways this is my stop. Gonna go the tattoo studio and then training tired af. Wont be able to go all week… Edit: Alright I talked to the owner dude and he actually also likes my big hall/studio/gym idea. But he definitely told me, the airflow must be separate. It was nice how he acknowledged it though understanding it‘s contingent on many things. I also found out more about her hihi…
alright so i woke up today and felt like i probably slept until 11. well turns out it was 8! i think i went to bed at 2? i even rolled another one, not intending to finish but yeah. given my recent cold/throat/tonsillitis whatever symptoms i chatted with GPT and it thought my metalcore vocals (of course i suck doing those and pretty much technique is primitive) plus the smoking cause the trouble. i’m not sold but i’ve checked out vaporizers a bit after it’s recommendation. i might ask around some peeps if they know something about it. i’m afraid i won’t like it as much as my regular joints. but yeah. i drank a couple beers last night, that’s why my sleep was cut short i imagine. i gotta get to the local bath to get my water bottle back. also i probably need to buy some groceries? i gotta think about what i’m gonna eat today. i almost feel dumb for yet again bringing salad to work. but man, i don’t have the time nor the will to cook so much. wait i can do seitan and tempeh together, that way i also have food for tomorrows training! huh! one thing solved. but then it’s really gonna be salad again tonight. easiest. i’m gonna ask gpt what i can add to my salad; leafy greens it recommended. alright spinach it is. so about yesterday, the chibi-con was alright, interesting to see the nerdy-geeky world of some. bought two lovely prints, so that was worth it. also i gathered info on my crush: she has no boyfriend anymore. though they just recently broke up on his initiative. curious as to why to let such a girl go. but then again, people simply can’t work out. so yeah that’s good news for me. i found a dope print she made in the studio and set it aside with my number as i wanna have it plus frame. it’s not even a finté, i actually want that print. so let’s see! oh and my tattoo artist friend put me in their hiking chat, so i might go with these guys! would be lovely, i always wanted to do more hiking but no one asked me out - or it didn’t happen. so that’s a good crowd to be doing that! i’m also concerned because i’ve read an IG post about how we age in waves and 34 apparently is a known marker from which it accelerates… i’m kinda not afraid of aging, but still have respect as i can’t know what expects me… so after the chibi-con we went to the Musikfestwochen which is a big thing in my city - and quite understandably so: it’s free of charge concerts in the city. there were some country ass dudes from somewhere in america, that had a nice sound. but we really vibed to these London guys called MRCY doing soul music. we were hyped, dancing and shit. good times! i should next year ask my parents to come see it too. if you’re from this city you should definitely go check it out. i told my friend about the big gym, tattoo studio and rehearsal place thing. he likes the idea a lot, but yeah there’s a lot of difficulties to clear up before all that. so in the evening when we met another dude, he was talking about the studio and how they have to leave and what size they are looking for now. baby adrien was a bit sad to hear him not speak of the idea - but i get it. for this idea a lot needs to happen. and chances aren’t high for such things in general. well. i still think it holds merit and i want to give it an honest shot and at least discuss it. i’m excited! the vitus areal especially looks nice for that. should i just call sometime? i wouldn’t know about the sizes though… anyways, i think i should go now. i gotta go to work today, i almost forgot. should go earlier to discuss two clients with my sister too. ehm… i thought about cleaning the kitchen counter too. oh and my tattoo friend liked my gopro time lapse idea. though we might not finish the whole thing as we planned, probably first outlines and then later the rest… would’ve been nice all in a sesh but guess you can’t choose what you always want ^^
so back here. it’s when i have things early in the morning, it’s hard to write. also got drunk one day with my training buddy, drinking bears at the local bath, going to the sauna later. oh man his brazilian ass was majorly surprised we walk around naked in the sauna, yes my friend even the women. today i’m going to a Japanese themed festival in my city, with one of my tattoo buddys. probably gonna meet most of the guys from our band too. after the day with my friend at the sauna, we went to the rehearsal space afterwards for more beers, we discussed also his idea for having his own gym. and that made me think: you know what? how about to connect the 3. gym, rehearsal space and tattoo studio. that would be crazy! smoking after work, i sat down and wrote down some notes for each individual and ideas and what not. there are some areas that would be very nice for this. man it took me a moment though, to realize, the pricing for square meter per year lol. so yeah next step is to talk about this with the guy that seems to do the most organising/owning part of the tattoo studio. the crazy thing would be, the gym could be extended for having weights and all kindsa stuff. my dad could help my buddy to do the trainings and we’d try to get out of the way of our now gym. so yeah that’s kinda news! also i’m still not doing too much in regard of playing bass. i’m bit in a rut now? or maybe just other things are a bit more on top? hmph. i don’t know. i’m thinking about having a chair for clothes in my bedroom despite the ladder i have. i think for hoodies and zippers it would be nice. this morning i also had the idea of actually mapping the area where all the kallax’s are in the kitchen now, most probably i’m still gonna keep one, i’d say. it’s good for the airfryer, keep two boxes and put the microwave on top. i’m gonna check for the colors they have now. okay so the 3 row one is just white and black-brown. hmph. maybe tonight i’ll use the planner again for some clarity. perfect for smoking. man i have this strain apples & bananas… that stuff smells sooo good. i’m recently having troubles with my throat. so it’s been almost over a month - oh wow it’s just a month ago, feels like a lifetime before - where we had our first show. man this idea with a new space would make it possible for us to have a show whenever we want. it would be the stuff of dreams to have such a place. i can sense a part of me not wanting to bring it up, because others could see it as folly. but i’m serious, i wanna talk it through and just see what happens. im all over the place, remembering now what i was thinking about yesterday; a cubic light for the hall, which isn’t easily found - maybe i call it bad? but i gotta say though, i might just get a new lamp for the bedroom and put that one in the hall. makes more sense and it’s white, it’ll blend easier. okay today i’m also gonna ask my tattoo buddy about my crush. does she have a boyfriend? just so i know. i have no clue what to do with that knowledge abd that’s plenty all right. i should be doing some exercising today. it’s sunday so i can recover for two days. i need to do squats. also need some ab exercises, i feel sexier when i do them. dunno how to plan the day. i guess i’ll just see what happens and have the very well knowledge, that i won’t do anything today. i also gotta plan to bring the bass to the shop. also gotta plan for work to do some stuff with my sister for the two clients i have and their upcoming eh report days? whatever the term… but actually it’s cool! i’m going to have my vacation days, having done all the stuff. that’s nice! and i mostly just jot down notes and build those in to a report with AI. so there’s that. alright man so what about life? how we feeling currently? well i wish my money would increase, i also dread the thought that i’m getting away super cheap insurance wise this year as i got the reduction for my schooltime now. i know i have reserves in a bank account, that i refuse to look at. that’s gonna be medellin airbnb money as well tattoo money for now. also: i’m going to london soonish too. damn! i’m thinking about a lot of things. i wanna read again. like read read. heavy topics. i also wanna play video games. i also wanna train and get better and fight in January. so i’ll have to understand how and organize. i also wanna get healthier with food. i also wanna finish my apartment exactly to my tastes. just some stuff now is “missing”. i also wanna start with flesh_canvas - which i feel nervous about. but i’m telling myself the perfect start would be the tattoo sesh in two weeks. i gotta prepare myself for understanding how to use the gopro more, just settings wise. a time lapse would be the sickest. why do i feel so weird about doing stuff like that? with the gopro i can do pictures of myself easily too, so i was planning to shoot myself in various positions and what not. naked. sometimes. i also wanted always to show off outfits of my style. with flesh canvas i can do that, with this neocities i have a tight connection to it without having to play the social media game of content-creating, staying relevant. this alone could open up some doors - or maybe it doesn’t do anything? i have many things i wanna do. too many? maybe that’s why my throat isn’t healing up proper: too stressed? it’s tough to do so many things and try to keep a tidy apartment too. now imagine you’d be infatuated… i can’t decide. bottom line is: it’s also dumb to decide it this way. i have to allow myself to participate tightly in the net of life and the people around me. what i realized yesterday while smoking, i need space to reflect on all of it too. i do that automatically when i smoke. i believe at least. oh man i have loads of food to cook in the fridge. just missing some of the veggies i believe; though i’m looking at the red bell pepper, means i can do my sisters tandoori masala thing. - okay now i spent a lot of time chatting with GPT to find out about how my dietary habits now seem. and they seem alright. i mean i know i wanna work on them so. man i can be really happy. im 31, i’m fit - not yet at the height of my possibility. i’m not broke, i’m not rich, but i fare pretty well one must say. i have loads of options. this band thing will get back on track after this summertime. i have ideas and maybe they’ll work out with the minds of others too. great family. yeah man, i think we’ll be able to fare so well. lotsa things to take care off. but most of all man: mentally im sooo well. all these years of working with my PA paid off. all the reading i did. the vipassana thing. my electrochemical experiments with MDMA, LSD and psylocibene really paid off. so here i am man. nowadays at least for my full on rage moments i have the right music to listen to! im out
back home again. no morning pages. well i was up until 00:40 at least, because I thought I could finish my book “Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine” (the first book I read in English btw). Well I had to stop as I knew my alarm would ring at 06:40 and man, I actually had to be awaken by the alarm. doesn’t usually happen all too much to me. guess i’m always gonna train tired; though I gotta remember during my psychiatry days it was waaaay worse. there were a lot of “nights” i had 2-3h only. in the same breath, i gotta appreciate that my insomnia is gone. since fucking… a year? since i settled back into regular job life? no i think already after the school i lost that. during my final time with my ex… yeah no i think school and money were the biggest factors. at work i started to use teams and did the first post there. i started neocities, im starting this, and im starting jellyfin. full on pc mode eh? however. mmmh. i feel bad about not playing regularly bass. i also gotta say i really dislike playing the harley benton one into the evo4. i should bring it to the guy to get it setup and stop playing around with it myself. restringing i can and should learn myself (already can i mean it’s no biggie) but the setup is a onetime thing really. it maddens me. also to appreciate: the took the pickups back, i only paid shipping. next regret: i bought a ceiling vent from a co-worker. it bugs me, that this thing probably consumes 3 times what a new one does in energy. also on full speed there’s this terribly annoying sound it makes. dunno how to even explain it. oh man my eyes would like to close themselves… i’m sipping my lovely Käffchen coffee though. i’m really into stressing myself because the vent and wanting to return it but also i’m avoiding having to contact the guy again. it’s ridiculous when you think how i can be so avoidant sometimes; the guy is old and a swiss weirdo (nothing against my swiss fellas!). but yeah, i’m not so sure how much it is about the sound than my thinking “this is gonna be wasting too much energy”. i just looked up other fans and well they also all might be hanging way too low. i should probably check out the description of the fan first. maybe it’s not even too bad. so what else is up. tomorrow despite me being tired and all, i should really go swim in the rhine. who knows if otherwise i’ll be able to, this year. man my muscles are sore and my right shin is fucking bruised; accidentally kicked at the same time as my sparring partner last time. it was an accident we we’re doing light contact sparring. MAN! aside from this all it’s fucking lovely: i actually have good snacks at home, i have my weed unlocked, i don’t have to cook tonight as i did that yesterday and i have no reason to do anything tomorrow. gotta get back to work at 9:45 on sat but that’s all. MAN. sick. love it. so yeah that’s cool. also i had the plumber here because my flash didn’t stop. should be alright again. mmh. new FFAK is out. oh yeah, gonna listen to it while smoking today! okay nothing else much really. i’m gonna stop now.
i gotta start taking zinc again, my absolute incompetent immune system is probably on vacation yet again. i don’t know yesterday i was just pissed when i came home. don’t know why really. my fam came over kinda spontaneously, as my father and me actually wanted to meet to put up the ceiling vents and do some other things. one ceiling vent hangs now. i mean the other one hangs too but isn’t attached to the wiring yet. also it hangs not so centred which kinda bothers me. but my dad was kind annoyed so i didn’t want to correct him in his 5th attempt to hang it up mathematically instead of just being “yup that’s the middle”. thank god i’ve went to bed early around the house the work “terrorists” are in full force. looks like they are cleaning the school with a big fat truck. some of the houses where they construct shit has the lovely screechy sound of saws intermittently piercing the lovely morning air. in the background we have the lovely home of someone cutting their grass. i’ve decided to add LMTF’s Dark Divine to this beautiful symphony of overly pleasant sounds. i was pissed again because my neighbours are still smoking strong underneath me but i’m glad now that i didn’t have my windows cracked to be woken up by these fucking sounds too. soon the little terrorists will be back in the mix too. can’t wait. so i’ll spend the night at work today. i just kinda feel like not doing anything at all. side effect from not smoking? or is it simply that my apartment is back “in construction”. my father didnt understood some of the wiring as there apparently was one wire with constant current on it he couldn’t identify. well turns out two power plugs are now not working. i just hope that’s not gonna keep this way for weeks now. i think i’m gonna try laying down later when it’s officially time for all working terrorists to cease their diligence and go eat. i know i didn’t decide much on it; but man am i happy society hasn’t entirely decided that my life has the same rhythm every fucking day. oh i also gotta go fetch some groceries later. i already decided to do potatoes, with smoked-tofu and green beans. i’ll have enough for tomorrow evening after training too. man i didn’t feel like cooking anything and in the end just downed one of my food shakes and called it a day. i feel shittier than as if i’d had smoked and munched on dunno what. well maybe out of the 3-4 joints i’m contemplating to be smoking in a 2 week time window, i’ll have them after training? i’m tired man. exhausted kinda. training was intense, i also did some squats. i fucking hate squats. but they’re important. let’s face it: i had pretty feel good days recently so today is absolutely alright. can’t always feel good. man i have a lot to do at work. i have to find days for the appointment with one of my clients - which i won’t be attending, since summertime is impossible to get different people in one room. i have to do stuff with the other one i’ve overtook. it’s just this week and the next than at least i’ll get two weeks off of this. i also get to be annoyed about a new tattoo that has to be healed! so there’s that! it’s actually good i get to work, once i swap roles i’ll forget how shitty i started this day. hmm maybe this new table placement, let’s me mount a white board on the other wall? hmm. i actually feel like laying down on the couch, i’m gonna stop writing now. Toodle-oo!
so i actually planned to just now awaken. my idea wasn’t to already be awake. good thing though: looks like i’ve actually not set the alarm? i know i’ve set it, as the time for the meeting was set (i’m so lucky, i rarely need an alarm at all!). anyways i am awake now and with the surplus of time i may simply clear the dishwasher. i’ll pick up my father after the meeting and we’ll assemble the vents. i was missing my little black notebook for work. but i found it again. now i feel dumb. as i’ve asked everyone at work. when it clearly was in my large work bag i use when i sleep there. even had the eh wait there’s not english word for Sozialdienstleistender; well that guy bought me 2 new little notebooks. i’ll fabricate a plausible unimportant story how i’ve forgotten it in the box. yesterday our drummer presented new lyrics for a 2 piece EP and man, i fucking love them. so evocative. defo wanna see these become a song. given that one of our clients/kids ran off and told his coach he’s only gonna return after he went swimming during the hot days, i joked to her: what? did he go so far that he can go swim? - she told me nope, thursday and friday are gonna be warm. and i checked: turns out that’s true. saturday is also a hot day. and man i’m just not lucky in that regard: of course i work from 9:45-21:45. damnit! but on Friday i am off. aside from my sister and brother in law coming over i have nothing going on on friday - well i kinda have to be semi early up again also. i gotta think about what to cook for us that evening… hmph. oh they’re bringing my merch also, i hope the gildan XLs are not yet again cut fucking weirdly. here’s to hoping. the caps! i have new caps also hehe. on friday i could; no dumb idea - first day skating in heat… nope nope. also i’m gonna be sore from training. man my training partner/friend said for a while now he’s not happy with our gym and wants to find a new one. i said i’m on board because let’s face it: he is my fucking coach. i’ve made some suggestions where we could go. yesterday he went to one and he texted me: guess who’s gonna become a coach. man! what an event of synchronicity! this makes me so happy for him. on another side i hope it doesn’t entirely change things for me as i really enjoy our relationship and regular meet-ups for training. but i really don’t think so, he’s too sweet to drop me haha. my plan is anyways to stop being a member and get 10 stamp cards. i miss out often on training because of schedule and would be nice to be able to alternate where i go when i please. though i’m not sure what would be the best way to do that. decisions decisions. btw i gotta say i really enjoy this neocities thing. one can say what one wants about AI and maybe down the line it might be bad for us human vehicles; but without the chat with GPT i wouldn’t have gotten here. so i am grateful for it. yesterday while showering i also thought about “what if this picks up pace?”. well certainly it’s also a goal and a wish of mine, to connect to people. to be naked in front of others. maybe because it helps them. maybe because it offers a little escape. also because i just desire to be seen entirely. but it also poses risks: i can be connected quite easily? one could stalk me. so that’s why i changed the concert log to be less revealing. being stalked certainly is no fun. and i don’t know how good they handle these things in my home country. there’s many factors contributing to how it’s gonna be handled: difference because i’m male? which wouldn’t be too important in case it’s handled poorly anyways. well i can be at least… wait my downstairs neighbours have nothing on lock what so ever, i could find someone in front of my apartment door easily. ugh. brings me to another simmering process: i’ll have to sit down with these two. it’ll be almost like at work, i’ll have to prepare some talking points, i will have to set myself goals for the conversation so as to not be able to back down from what i actually wanted to achieve, which is: some fucking regard. fuckers being loud all night. their smoking is almost my smallest concern given i have bought myself things to keep a fresh airflow. man i need to learn to confront people. i do it at work but semi-conscious. there’s never a bad moment to upgrade ones life. - alright let’s head out. i wanna go to the big store (whatever they call these big ass stores where you buy in bulk and usually only businesses go shopping in) and get myself more of those nocco drinks so i can boost my heart rate ridiculously before training to overcompensate my tiredom. gotta get the mac mini cable so i can start up on jellyfin asap. and of course then grab my dad. anything else? don’t think so. just one thing man: appreciate this shit man. i’ve got a solid fucking work place. i’m treated soooo fucking well. i rarely need a fucking alarm to ring me out of sleep. i have so many nice people in my life. of course there’s always some shit more you want. i’m fucking vain, most of it is tattoos and even fucking grillz lol and gadgets. but i drive a big fucking car almost when i want to. blessed to have parents like that. they do so much for me and despite my youth, they did such a solid fucking job. i could be a fucking wuss - which i’m not. thank you everyone. thank you everything.
i actually don’t like those work days that start at 11:45. it’s still hella early. i didn’t sleep too well really but maybe first nights without smoking always have that in common. maybe the system just needs to get accustomed to it. i had the thought this morning when to start the 2 week cycle. given this month i’ll be tattooed and spend a lot of time at home not now. im back to being physically fight (still feel like fighting a cold though). i worry about losing it all again, but as of now, this has almost became normal eh? brought the mac mini from the box but forgot the cable lol. gotta pick up my dad tomorrow anyways so, i can just stop by the box. i also forgot to take the boss ve500 out of the car and bring it up to the box soooo. i tried singing damocles yesterday. yikes, that was rough. i really would love to sing sooo much but maybe i just suck, i don’t have the natural ability or i miss the technique - or i overthink it. who knows. i was thinking about singing lessons in medellin. or maybe this’ll be a better goal for Australia? hmph. at least in our songs my singing isn’t obvious shit. man i gotta sit down and appreciate my stuff more: this table is fucking beautiful. sitting here on my lovely chairs is peak life, i gotta enjoy that stuff. i gotta say i was playing with the thought to install some dating apps yesterday, simply for flesh tbh. but i also - independent of that - reflected on how i usually meet no-one special or str8 up toxic girls. i mean Skynd was definitely something lol. i was thinking how nice a woman that is busy, that will work out great just to find out nope, still the regular experience. well dating apps are initiated by a thought of compromise, there’s rarely someone stable and serious there. that was the goal last time, this time i’m actually just about flesh. of course as always, with no wits, i don’t care about your tits. there must be something at least. though i must say, maybe the gigging will catch hold and i’ll be around meeting women in a better setting. as of now, it’s just concerts really. when my friend was over we talked about his friends friend, that stops while walking in the city together to talk to a girl. str8 up “hey i like what i see, do you have a boyfriend? - oh well then sorry for my interruption, have a nice day” some taken girls even came back to give him their number. i strive to that liberty. not to be some dick crazed guy that get’s all the chicks but in general: to live out my desires. to not be inhibited at all anymore. i can say this as i’m cleared, i know myself, i don’t do any evil or hurtful stuff. my interest is to see a person be entirely themselves, i value authenticity. that is superbly attractive. the long-lasting kind of attraction. the surface draws, the inventory keeps. so in general, like also with my downstairs fucking neighbours. though that is a bit different, i’ve never been confronted with something like that hence there’s not much past process to reflect on and build on. these fuckers have an argument at 1 in the morning, friends over until 3 and sometimes she has these superficial dumb ass deep-talks in front of my fucking windows it’s ridiculous. it’s a mix out of despise and compassion; they don’t seem to have their life in order the tiniest bit. so i’m wondering: am i running from confrontation (i’m tired of it, my job is constantly that currently) - or am i just not sure how to confront them, as genetically speaking: i just know annihilation. when i consider my sister or my parents handling things, all 3 have annihilation of the others in common (my sister can make grown-ups cry, my mother has too much of a victimized position inside, and my father is either quiet or a silent authority until he get’s up and initiates: you want some?). well i don’t wanna swallow it… i have to think on this. but also currently: i do not feel like doing that. i’m always afraid too much time passes and then the “normal” can’t be changed. i even texted with my direct neighbour about it, she suggested that all of us 4 parties come together at one point. i welcomed the idea. but i still feel like i should have a sit down with them firstly without them. i have no illusions, in a group i’ll naturally have a high position. that’s what it always has been like. another part of me also thinks: given how unstable they seem, i wouldn’t wonder if they’re not living here all too long. apparently they moved here just 3 months before me. oh well. on another note, i’m pretty fucking happy how the mac mini just vanishes with the desk! fucking A. anyways, anything else man? on sunday i’m gonna go to a japanese themed thing in the city, one of my tattoo artists is joining me so that’s pretty cool. in general i’ll have a pretty dense week. oh man i tried the 2nd recipe of the one with the quinoa bowl - man so much work and the result is ass. creamy avocado-pesto with soba noodles and broccoli. such a disappointment. i’m gonna eat it again today, simply because i made it. i deleted the fucking recipe already. the avocado hype is really too much, i can’t eat that thing so often (had guacamole some nights before for munchies). the journey continues though. man last night in bed i had one of those moments i had as a child A LOT that used to paralyze me: how does it feel to be dead? how does it feel to go from existence, from consciousness to nothingness? - weird man, didn’t have those in a while. but it just shows, despite my philosophy, spirituality and knowledge, this keeps poignant for me. i have different mindset to it, mostly one of “i can’t change it, i can’t illuminate it, why bother too much” that actually silences it a lot (to the point of almost non-existent of active consciousness); also absurdism painted some nuances here. i know to keep busy is the best remedy for life. in all things. not a fake busy, a true to core busy. it cost me some time to get here, so i’ll keep walking. it’s cliche but i’ll finish with this Camus quote: “Obeying the flame is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do”. PS: if i keep this up, i will never be able to listen to ST's newest album ever again lol
new dawn, new day. though technically it’s not dawn, it’s full day. whatever. i’ve slept very well. a bit long i guess. i think the new severance isn’t really catching me that much eh? maybe it’s not a stoner game. maybe i just need a break? today that’s gonna be it and you know what i’m gonna have the lock snap on it now. alrighty, locked for 4 days until after thursday training day. that’ll be the longest it was locked since some time i believe. my friend told be i should be doing creatine and a chat with gpt told me the benefits would be more squats and explosiveness. more squats could cure my knee troubles i believe - or at least i’d hope. maybe taking creatine will also activate something else in me: the part that doesn’t like to spend money on things they don’t use. maybe that’ll help with continuity. today i shall do some exercise man. then shower. i still got the car so i plan to go to the box today, i actually want to record all of life today. i’m not sure our vocalist will be available (or will make themselves available) to work on the lyrics together so to make the song more his. but i shall finish the bassline and that’s it. i will work on Circle With Me today too I think. i don’t feel like playing our other songs too much tbh. oh yesterday during my “highness” i’ve started some more stuff on the jellyfin front. might even be that i’ll still go to plex at some point… but anyway i can try that out for free. i think i’ll grab the mini mac from the box too and put it here. it’s actually the only thing that misses to start the whole thing. of course some little stuff like the apple tv and keyboard and so on are missing too. but apple tv i’ve found a nice offer on tutti. might get that one. i even made an offer. god there’s some kids riding by my windows, sounds like this kid has plastic wheels on their scooter. my neighbour was having a deeptalk with a friend until like 3 in the morning under my fucking windows. i’m a bit confused to the situation because i’ve never been confronted with neighbours that plainly do not give a fuck. i text them about that kinda stuff as given my inventory i’m not much into confrontation, i’m more for snide remarks and passive things; well if you wanna be loud, there’s no reason i listen to my music over headphones, guess you guys get to enjoy some Orphan and Psycho-Frame together with me! either i’ll just fucking accept them not giving a fuck, i do passive shit or i’ll get used to it, that these fuckers have no courtesy and i’ll have to flat out tell them every time. which is troubling for me man. but guess this could also be interpreted on some spiritual perspective, where this situation happens to me to test me, to further elevate me as person. anyways i’m pissed by it. so tuesday my father is coming by and we’ll setup the ceiling vents and do some other things. after that i have ramps and finally can see how well my robot performs cleaning the whole apartment. i’m still sad he can’t go under the bed, would be a major game changer for me (i fucking hate vacuuming under the bed). so today some exercise, some gaming, some bass’ing, oh and some cooking! i bought the ingredients for trying out this other recipe. it’s from the same site or even same post as the quinoa bowl i so loved. i was also thinking to setup the skateboard today? dunno. man i’m also soon going to London i should start some preparation on that. i could also order some merch which i can only get there, hmm… i yesterday ordered a shibori thread hoodie from 156 silence. well i always wanted one and with 156 it just made sense. i mean silent planet is super cool, but i don’t think the aesthetic of shibori threads makes a lot of sense with those guys tbh. okay that’s it i’d say. i could maybe get on washing some stuff from the basement too. clear those clothing boxes. i also wanna play some death stranding and do some reading. well let’s dive in.
it’s already closing in on evening and i’m on my parents couch in my childhood home (or at least the house they built when i was 11ish or so years old). one of my best friends spent the night at my place and was my first overnight guest. i was pretty chill as i can get a bit ocd’ish about my stuff when others used it, but i just “wrapped” the couch in sheets so I wouldn’t mind him sleeping there. he slept well and it was pretty chill overall tbh, was nice to catch up so much and also nice to chat about me soon visiting him in medellin. we checked out the freshman cyphers from the last years and the recent ones and commented. it was overall a pretty nice time. i also tried out a new recipe i’ve found online and DAMN that was fucking YUMMY. def gonna become one of my go to recipes especially if i get a visit (maybe i’ll do the same for my school friend i’m meeting soon!). my sister and brother in-law are soon coming back from the US of A and then I’m gonna get my new merch! exciting! new caps is always nice. so anyways today i’m gonna hang in Germany, my mom wanted to make a balkan dish dinner and i came armed with laptop, Rolf Haubl’s book about jealousy (i bought this as my PA used to talk about him and had books) which i hopefully will read or i’ll continue the book about the brain from David Eagleman - which I think I’m almost at the half? dunno. i also got the switch with me and put Disco Elysium in. let’s see what i’ll do. i showed my mother the little lamp that has a motion detector and detachable lamp that i once bought with my ex that is exremely useful for nightly bathroom visits. sadly i ordered two different ones for trying out and both of us like the one with the “belly” more than concave’y one… other one can’t be prime returned. dunno if i should opt for the one i like less and vie my mom the prettier on (still deciding on it). my hometown is expending we have new stores here and i was thinking to check out the denns which is an organic store i’m really a fan of (didn’t set foot into much of those though). i’m not practicing bass as much the recent time and i feel a bit bad about it. though i also feel like our band is on a break/vacation atm. it’ll be alright. with my friend we were talking also about girls/women and i placed my thoughts about me wondering if it’ll be alright if i had encounters with young girls round 18’ish as i never had a wild youth and changing sex-partners but now i just desire to. i don’t wanna masturbate on someones body, i actually enjoy pleasuring the other person and i’m also big on conversation and spending time. it’s just that i now do not desire a close relationship. encounters would be nice. and i’m wondering about the young girls i so happened to meet, if that would be weird because i’m older. the convo was nice and as always: there’s no absolute dictate on it really. depends on how it feels, some young girls are very immature and some aren’t. well i don’t know really. i think i’m mostly afraid of how others would perceive it? i guess it’s down to me how i actually handle these things… we also settled that a lot of these things stem from us growing up in this weird small ass town in south germany. there weren’t too many young people around us, we were very limited and in our area you were scolded for many things. i guess it’s a root for some of my complexities in general and i have been working hard to release myself of their hold. so i may decide at the spot how it feels. i may not engineer the thing, i’m def allowed to steer things though. be an open person, create opportunities. the rest will follow. i’m good looking, i’m a well mannered person and i’m definitely unique - so there’s no reason not to be open and let things happen. most important is that i am true to my desires and my personality. that’s the work of a 30 year old me. anyways i’m gonna go walk my parents dog now.
already august. summer was mostly rain this year. of course during the heat period i was either working or busy being sick. every year i wish i could swim in the rhine but it doesn’t happen. every year i tell my self: next year we’re gonna do this and that, this year we were busy with some stuff but we’ll build on top of that. and it always feels true! that just reminds me yesterday of a thought: when i was rapping/producing (or whatever you wanna call it, i always feel like it looks/sounds over exaggerated that way), i was thinking “if i make it, i can help out my parents - make their lives easier. they deserve that.” - and every kanak or rapper on this content has the same “objective” or says the same (i’m also thinking of my clients). and it hit me yesterday: what if these thoughts are a form of escape? what if i am actually escaping from the responsibility and possibilities to actually help my parents - or for that instance anything; i remember talking to my pa/therapist how i desire to live in a tight-knit community where everyone has their chambers and can withdraw to be by themselves. all these “phantasies” all these “dreams” - what if they serve as an escape? if i spend time with this line of thinking, i’m cooling down my system: my reality get’s lighter again. what if these things do not serve me as “compass” as a direction in the sky to walk towards but they are actually just an escape from my reality for a short moment to recharge senses. so i’m going to help my parents in my way. i will never earn much money that i’d be able to substantially mitigate any reality-fx on them. i can’t suspend their bills. i cannot tame my mothers or my fathers reality with my financial capabilities. i will also not be a super son and spend a load of time because that’s also not me. but these little things i’ve been recently doing, like looking around to get them the same drying-rack or the night lights, these are small things i can afford. energywise as financially. they are not huge but they’re real. and that’s what i can do. i cannot change the world, i cannot change reality. i think shit is unfair. i wish it was different. now i can either escape to fantasies to mitigate reality’s fx on me or i integrate. i’ll invite people over like i was thinking. i do things on my terms. i am the way i am. changing it would be dumb. it’s not possible i believe anyways. so it’s not on me to change reality or to fine-tune or to make it harmonious for someone else. i can play a role and unapologetically for me it’s only desirable for it to be close to home, to heart. it’s my goal to clear the path for my inner-flame to burn and go it’s way. i will invite people over here. i was thinking of the tattoo guys and maybe my crush comes along to. in that regard, i must say: it is very important for subjects of interests to get to know me the way i am. i run risk of manipulating them and worse, myself, if i do not pace it and reflect it, taking time. i desire for someone to fall for me and live with my individuality. if i do my best that they “like” me, then i will always be in the spot that it my relationship will be very cost-ineffective for my energy levels. anyways, i really desire to spend intimate time with someones body and soul. but currently it feels misplaced. not that i would know a way to do it really lol. so today i’ll be picking up my dear friend who’s on the continent for a while to visit. i wanna do some slight cleaning and tidy up a bit before. i also have to think about how to do their bed here, as i definitely not can tolerate anyone sleeping on my couch without anything on top of it as protection. mmmh. i also got to get a car and also settle on a recipe. well. let’s go i guess. oh btw i was thinking of a format to help my mom with writing her biography, i thought we could to YT videos where we talk. could be interesting, i’ll keep that thought in orbit. also i was thinking to teach my dad to game; i tried giving him games so he can do it by himself - but he won’t . also inspired by a guy i saw on YT playing Dead Souls (i think? don’t like those kinda games). i was thinking RDR2 so i wouldn’t get bored by a game i know. but i guess that’s too big. i think Mass Effect would be best. PS: i was considering a vipassana course for cooling down my whole system - i thought i could also do acid there - could be either super duper interesting or maybe even dangerous? hmmm....
i've slept horribly at work. woke up a couple of times and just didn't feel nice to sleep. now i'm at the work computer and as i usually have the honors, the cleaning lady is in the house and i dont even get to enjoy silence. i think there are two now? it's dawning on me that i overtook the care for one of our adolescents, i'll have to get into reading. i'm trying to not actually do all this work stuff prior to even start of work as i need to keep a line; we asked our boss or i asked when we had the meeting about like an office hour to read up on things. well i kinda understand him from his position, which is that we should do reading into things during the weekend when it's quiet. im not really planned into weekend much (i also don't complain of course) so I guess some stuff i won't be really knowledgable of... anyways, i was actually up today to be doing stuff at my apartment with my dad, we were gonna hang two ventilators, do this eh window-net and ramps for my roboter so i can finally try what it would be like to have it clean the whole apartment. well guess i'll wait. i really would like two weeks of straight up chilling but guess that won't come anytime soon. my next vacation time is in october. it's funny when i think that some countries like the USA don't even have any form of vacation lol. the country of the misanthropes. anywho, i did stretching before i went to bed and hope i'll be fit for training tonight. i wondered if my sleeping contributes to having a small gas-tank? i was also considering, how i often felt like i have trouble keeping up with things, being overwhelmed due to daily cannabis consumption and then i actually had quit entirely. im still not sure if this position holds merit, that cannabis actually has some positive effects on me that i'm just not using it right. i actually never had a really regulated one. i think it's worth a shot as i'm also being able to get quality cannabis which i never have been able before. i'm a bit concerned as Germany seeks to regulate cannabis differently again. sounds like a ghost hunt or something but i guess ppl will chase whatever gives them mental comfort. so my idea was that i actually just lock that stuff for two weeks. and after two weeks, i try rolling 3-4 joints every 2 weeks and then lock everything aside from the joints. that would be a way to go. given that august is overthrown i gotta see how, a part of me doesn't want to start this experiment as i'm gonna be healing from my tattoo and i know i'm super cranky when tattoos heal as i hate the inactivity resulting from it. on the other hand i'd really love to experience if this fatigue can only be attributed to work-life balance and cannabis consumption or if it's just me not being a kid anymore. as always; you find out by finding out. so circumstances have to be created. i found myself on instagram "researching" my crush and if there are hints she's still in a relationship. couldn't find anything really. it's been on my mind though; not like her really but the mind state i would have in a relationship and i can see i'm problematic in that regard: when i'm in a relationship or let's say in pursuit/courting a woman, i do my most to make it a reality. it seems i don't really do my reality as i put on display here a big favor and undermine lots of aspects of my vehicle and ghost. so the question would be, how to actually maintain a healthy balance in that; i can't sacrifice my inner-life just to "make" it. so for my "crush" if i were to make "moves" i'd actually try to keep these pure, coming from here and not from my imaginative properties and rationality. actually funny to think of my rationality having such a play in this, given it's usually rather attributed to "emotions" which cloud what we do... i can hear the church bell, which means i'm officially on the clock now. i'll try to be chill and not overdo myself here while still keeping my high-level of eh efficiency i guess.
for the sake of continuity im doing this now. it’s already evening and soon im heading to training. man my back-acne (fuck you chatgpt, for making me say “bacne” in my head), is going wild again. i wonder if it’s my post-smoking munchies? is it maybe the dark chocolate? hmph. anyways we had a team-meeting to discuss all kindsa stuff. mostly rules and how we’ll go forward with the kids smoking and failing their drug tests hence rendering themselves impossible to go out on the weekend. one of my dearest team-members revealed that he wasn’t sick, he’s almost burned out. man when he was revealing all that, i had to swallow because i was waiting for him to say that he’s gonna quit working with us - but then he said that it was all too much and described the build-up to this. i was relieved he’s not going anywhere, sad that he’s currently down but double relieved it’s just that. i couldn’t hold back on oversharing my latest reflections, of how i used to self-medicate in my twenties especially when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and i literally escaped all of it by smoking all day. i can’t really remember much from the time my mom had cancer. i remember the feeling of not wanting to go to the living room as my mom often laid there. i remember i was unfair to her. she was unfair to me often as a child. i love my mom but she has her dark sides. i think i was also mad that now she was this sick woman with all the right to making me crazy with her ocd and anxiety. it’s dumb. but we humans aren’t computers. - anyways I had to tell that to everyone coupled with me going to therapy for 7 years, so the supervisor stopped me and asked me where im going with this and i smiled and said, its been a thing of mine to advertise therapy to everyone since ever. she agreed with that. i felt dumb for a moment, but i believe at least my team-member appreciated me “undressing” in front of everyone quickly as well and not just him sitting there “naked”. at least he also told me my words meant something to him and it helped before i left. i hugged him told him to try to take it easy, and he said he’s working on that acceptance, i told him he’s very advanced in that given my experience with patients that had to work for that realization for 5 years. - i was telling myself this morning “today i wont smoke”. but man now i dont know. im stressed out because i was anticipating not having to go to work and be on vacation for 2 weeks soon. but now we’ll have to cover his shifts. that’s the downside of being a small institution i guess. i of course offered the help and overtook his client, not giving off the slightest feeling of gravity to it because this is not about me. he is a force at work, i fucking respect him and he is such a cool & nice person. he deserves his fucking rest. also i am the youngest. i survived worse work-disbalance than this. my life is getting better by the day too; this apartment is closing in on becoming perfect. well i will have to find a way to reduce weed consumption; although im not sure if it’s also helping me to not “overburn my candle”. but more smoking, less doing. man this one is for the fucking scale, that’s for certain. my work place is the best i could possibly find. it’s actually heartwarming how much our bosses and everyone cares about him being unfit for work currently. i think my fear of being unremarkable and having to work on my bass skills, singer skills, music, muay thai and fitness. i also said (or at least was happy to realize) no girls until like spring. i got no time. also i really suck at relationships like that. i burn out and then become uninterested (tldr). but i always liked the thoughts surrounding this girl. she’s cute, an artist and mighty fine. she’s thai too. im saying all this because after the work thing i stopped at the tattoo shop simply to see what’s up and maybe chat with p about our upcoming session. also wanted to hear what they thought about our concert. and she was there; i think subconsciously this also contributes to my tattoo shop visits. man how i wish to spend time with her mind & body. anyways i urge myself to not do any surplus shit and also not get into “making” myself more interesting than i am and engineer anything in these matters. YOU HAVE NO TIME FOOL. if advances are made please let them be organic and lay off any micro-manipulations. well we’re gonna spend some time with her on our tattoo sesh with p anyways hehe :3 anyways i should pack my bag for training. im rocking my purple outfit today hehe.
ive just now remembered that ive started this whole thing yesterday. i still feel a slight cold and man, my body is really bad at fighting those things. it might be the smoking and snacking sugary stuff? my throat feels - or is it mine eh nose path ways? sorry bad english but i dont feel like breaking immersion now. so yesterday ive ultimately went to my moms in Germany. dont have to lie, main objective was to get my weed. i was contemplating if it is dumb as i was “wasting” my time; i could have done something meaningful that day. exercise, work on music or practice. i didnt do anything. not even gaming. but i also realized for my family this was a good day. ive seen my aunt which i rarely do. she’s kind of a shut in if she’s not working… or well she does go and do stuff but mostly i feel like she’s just watching tv at home. and of course cleaning. my family’s curse lol. but anyways, my mom talked to me that she was thinking about starting to write a biography. i affirmed her in that regard, she should! back then i would’ve probably be more egotistical, given that i would have to do many things for that too; but with chatGPT it’s different. i think it would be nice for her, i’ll definitely help where i can. she found a notebook of hers in the attic and she read me thoughts from her in 1994 all the way in between 2002 or so. how she struggled with depression and arriving in Germany, not being able to finish her nurse training. also the conflicting thoughts regarding us kids and her relationship with my dad; everything felt so alien to her. i also wondered if i am just a strong person, that i can sit there and discuss the topics with her without feeling “unloved”… i’d say it’s normal how she felt in all that. — so ive got my package with the 3 strains, came home late and smoked and i was up watching You until 5am I believe. i feel a bit empty in the sense of no direct goal currently. nothing that pushes really. nothing that HAS to be done. im wondering if this is smoking related? i have broken my protocol of 3 joints a week… i wonder how to go on with this. i think i have to reduce to feel better. like i feel this acidous feeling in my throat from smoking and eating 3 bowls of cornflakes (at least they are unsweetend and i made it with nuts). i still believe weed could be beneficial for me. like when i didnt smoke regularly and i was back at my parents apartment here after the break-up, i was fucking. searching for a girlfriend. almost desperately. fucking tinder, fucking hinge, fucking turnapp (or whatever the name was). and now? since im smoking so much, i dont think about it. having binge attacks wouldn’t hurt too much either if it was just sometimes. can i pull it off? or am i addicted again and have to quit? will they recriminalize in Germany? i just have the feeling it slows down my drive. though i also thought maybe i need this to calm my senses after these “nomadic” years living with my sister, my ex-room mate, my ex-girlfriend and my parents. im back. this is my place. ive reached it: 2nd stability. you’ve just been a mantra i’ve been telling myself. now we’re here. it became real. well let’s also mention that this place looks soo fine! this apartment is peak life. it would be sad, to let these years go up in smoke entirely. though this also feels like fomo in a sense. — i have goals, objectives. aside from making this place pretty, i want to compete in a bout. maybe there’ll be more of those? i wanna get better at bass, play gigs with my band. that alone holds much promise for social encounters too. i still wish to meet women, i love women. i love bodies, i love conversations, i love getting to know someone. that might make some of that possible. im just stressing much. it’s more mentally than reality. what if the smoking just serves as amplification of feelings i have? what if it coincides with those and isn’t just the “villain” of my cannabis consumption hindering me? maybe i just need a break from it all - and this is the first time after 2022 that i actually get that break. not just that i say so, but my whole vehicle fucking feels it and allows it. well. i think next up really is the whole food prep thing. i need some more recipes that are easy made. should also include ingredients that don’t need be specially plucked from a tree that you need to embark on quest upon. try out recipes. im also thinking to move the cannabis home instead of keeping it at the box (im afraid it’ll decrease my time there though). so next up is finding recipes and then buying the stuff and trying it out. found one with soba noodles *YUMMY*. let’s agree that i could smoke less, but that i dont have to do as much as possible. i mean i can train in the gym at my hometown, i think that holds a lot of promise. i’ve resolved some apartment/lifestyle problems that’ll increase efficiency of day2day life so there’s that too. this is such a vibe btw, it’s pouring outside (since days) and i have all the windows open here and just listen to the rain. it’s nice when it rains, it hinders all the children and the people around here to be loud outside. its quiet, just the rain. alright, i think i’ll wrap it up. btw yesterday i was borderline reckless driving, either i should never get a car myself or at least a not very powerful one, i’ve got no chill lol. it was pouring, i thank god packed my glasses and man people were so slow and i was faster than i am usually for some reason the rain aggravated me. maybe it’s also due to me driving to Psycho-Frame’s album lol. alright i have a couple of hours, before work. ah shit, ill have to go out and buy salad to take with to work or else it’s fast-food.
i woke up today, and had a lenghty chat with GPT. it helped me clear some stuff up, so now i started this neocities thing. i always had this desire to be seen, seen ENTIRELY. not just pieces. not solely interpreted on a couple of mere encounters, due to SOME input. like pure. things need to be pure. it’s a shame for things not to be pure. it's a waste of time really. i had a really nice life for a while with my own apartment, skateboarding was my life and i had a lingering desire to become known for my music. i had this desire to be grand. i think i still have it, but it's been cleared up a bit by the years. after my last training/school and my last relationship, i finally wake up in my own 4 walls (i mean they're rented but still) and am back to being free again. free in some senses. and with it comes also back the emptiness i am so so accustomed to. i wish i had a way to share life with people. years ago i lost myself constantly in fantasies how it would be to have this community. today i know it was a fantasy helping me to cope with my loneliness. today im less secluded then i was, less in my head than i was - things are easier now generally, i also have a healthy sense of self. i remember talking to my therapist back then, at a point where everything was alro alright in my life (i refer to it as the "first stability") - and yet emptiness was a feeling i had from time to time. nowadays i believe if i keep myself busy is the best; not even running away, but like "designing" the emptiness. so today i did this here, i created an archive for myself. ppl demonize AI so much nowadays, but for someone it's powerful that i can do stuff like this here without drowning in the complexities of technicalities. i've been telling myself since days i gotta tone down the cannabis consumption, as i smoke everyday. today i don't feel like doing shit. i could play Death Stranding? meh. could go to the studio, try to work on the basslines for the new songs? or just practice? meh. i know i have a new delivery of cannabis at the house in germany... should i go pick it up? oh man i should've done some exercising and mobility, ive been slacking on training recently. but i just dont feel like it. i dreaded the thought of making myself something to eat. after a while i remembered i stocked up on yfood drinks and just downed one of those to not think of it. what would have my theapist said to all of this? i can see him smile and telling me im taking it all to serious again. but im 31 if i dont keep up pace... yeah rest is also important. i have the right to design things the way i want. and right now i dont wanna designate my time. recently i understood that i really have OCD tendencies, always had them. like with everything it's not blocking me from functioning but I always strive to let my flame burn as bright as possible. i also feel bad knowing my parents just take all packages from Germany and bring them back here - the chances of being caught for them are zero but they'd be so disappointed in that case - understandably so. will i ever be able to have responsible cannabis consumption? or will i have to quit entirely as i have done in the past? i think it's good, i might be reigniting my "morning pages" habit with this here. just this time it's out in the open. with the usual feeling of "maybe it'll become big" all the way to "ripples in the void". i don't know, maybe showering would be the first possibility for the day --- i'm so grown up, the last days i started flossing my teeth. i hate it but i wanna keep my vehicle intact as long as i can. long live the inner conflicts, may they always keep us busy. i'm gonna go shave now while listening to Eternal Blue by Spiritbox.